to sing in the silence

fresh start... again

2012-01-27T08:23:00.002-06:00

Decided I needed a fresh start... again. I struggle to keep up with blogs, but the new one I'm creating will be a mish-mash of blog entries, videos I like, playlists, links/articles I'm reading, etc. so there won't be AS much pressure to write blog entries all the time. I just have to remember to write them SOME of the time... :)

Anyway, for the very few of you who ever check this, my new blog is:
http://tosinginthesilence.tumblr.com

Same name. Different platform.

Thanks.

summer

2011-07-23T21:54:00.002-05:00

I’ll be honest. Summer has never been my favorite season. You’d think with how much I love thunderstorms, and how much I hate super cold weather, I’d be a bigger fan...

But the past few summers haven’t been the most fun for me. For some reason, it seems that it is during this particular season, that unfortunate things happen. I won’t bore you with a long litany of all the bogus things that have happened in my past summers - but we’ll just say this: I never look forward to it.

However, this summer, has given me a reason to re-think my disdain for this season.

At the end of the week, when Sunday night comes and my head hits the pillow, I usually breathe out a huge sigh of exhaustion - but it’s an exhaustion that comes from unbelievable amounts of fun, and time spent with some ridiculously amazing people. This summer has been FILLED with some really sweet moments. I have had fun doing a lot of the following: 

Camping
Cookouts
Cornhole/Bags
Frisbee, frisbee, frisbee!
Time spent at the lakefront
Rock jumping
A Bon Iver concert
Double feature at the Drive-In
Road trips
Lots and lots of swimming!
Ridiculous amounts of sunshine
Brewery tour
Fiddler on the Roof
Cubs Game (well, this was sort of pre summer)
Brewers Games
A picnic by the river
Playing with all sort of fun little kids
Games of Scrabble (sometimes accompanied by my favorite Jamaican beer)
And so much more...

I have loved this summer! This is the first time in a LONG time I can say that I have absolutely, positively, enjoyed my summer. I have made some new friends along the way which has made it that much more enjoyable, and I feel as though my summer has been carefree and somewhat adventurous. I’ve loved every minute of it.

And the greatest thing is, there’s more to come

A road trip to Missouri (2x)
More concerts
Trips to Devil’s Lake and the UP
More rock jumping (hopefully moving it up to cliff jumping)
Watching & photographing friends of mine in the Dirty Girl Run
And hopefully more frisbee and games of Scrabble!

I am so thankful to all of my friends who have contributed to such a rad summer... and I look forward to the rest of it - the people I’ll see, the conversations I’ll have, and the memories I’ll make.

I think I’m starting to like summer more and more...

list... revisited

2011-07-17T15:55:00.004-05:00

Last May, I decided to create a list... I guess you could say it was a "bucket list" - a list of things I want to do before I die. I kind of like these lists because it makes me stop for a minute, and think about all the amazing things that are "do-able" in life. I have been unbelievably blessed to be in a position where I can do some of these things - it would seem a shame not to pursue them!

Recently, I had a friend who had a fear that she wanted to conquer. She was afraid of being in deep water - submersed for too long, and not able to come up for air. She wanted to conquer this fear, and additionally had a desire to go cliff jumping. So, she decided to start taking baby steps to get there. She started with jumping into 10 feet of water in a swimming pool, then worked her way up to an 8 foot jump off a pier, and then somewhere around 12-15 feet off a rock... She's well on her way to getting to where she wants to be...

It started making me think about where I want to be - what things I want to do. I don't necessarily have any fears that I want to conquer (I'm ok keeping my fear of clowns), but there are some "bigger" things in life I'd love to pursue...

So, I decided to revisit my list from last May. The first 30 are "originals" from that list. I've added a few more just for fun:

1. Travel to Africa
2. Write & illustrate a children’s book (even if it doesn’t get published)
3. Create an animated short film or a documentary
4. Learn to sew my own clothes
5. Be a part of a “Compton Initiative” wall mural (Wait - I did this! HOORAY!)
6. Travel to India
7. Live in a different country for at least a year
8. Memorize an entire book of the Bible (Deutoronomy? Too ambitious?)
9. Climb/hike up a mountain (not sure which one or how high)
10. Learn to play violin
11. Be a “parent” of sorts (foster parent, adoptive parent, or orphanage mom)
12. Do something risky for a cause / participate in some sort of “civil protest”
13. Write one letter every day for a year
14. Read 1 book a month for a year (What can I say – I’m a slow reader!)
15. Backpack across Europe – staying in hostels, walking/take train everywhere
16. Learn to speak fluently in a foreign language
17. Work in an orphanage for at least 6 months, if not longer
18. Create and maintain a garden and/or participate in a “community garden”
19. Learn how to cook REALLY REALLY well (all healthy stuff!)
20. Learn to surf
21. Get a meaningful tattoo (HOORAY - did this too!)
22. Learn to love running (got a lot to work through for this)
23. Help build a Habitat for Humanity House (or two, or three, or four…)
24. Ride an elephant! (Elephants are my favorite!)
25. Have an article published in Paste magazine (oh how I love music!)
26. Make sure to do sidewalk chalk drawings at least once every summer
27. Learn how to play the guitar well (yes, even bar chords – SO HARD FOR ME!)
28. Learn how to dance (don’t laugh at me)
29. Learn how to paint (I paint now, but don’t know much about painting)
30. Visit the Holy Land… walk where Jesus walked

Now for some new ones...

31. Go hangliding (or skydiving, but hangliding would be so rad!)
32. REALLY learn the art of photography, and maybe have a gallery of sorts
33. Visit NYC, and get a less-touristy, behind-the-scenes taste of it
34. Go to a concert at Red Rocks
35. Read the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy (or the Harry Potter books)
36. Run in a 5k (that may not sound like a lot - but I am definitely no runner)
37. Take a train across a country (not sure which country - I just like trains!)
38. Work on some sort of film set (even if only as a production assistant)
39. Learn how to sail (this could be tricky... gotta meet a friend who has a sailboat)
40. Learn how to knit/crochet

Ok, I think that's plenty for now... I'm sure I'll think of more, but I've got plenty to being pursuing.

Oh how I love goals and thinking about adventures. Here's to pursuing some, if not all of them!

tunes

2011-06-20T13:01:00.002-05:00

Today is a day for soft and melodic tunes. Therefore, I leave you with “Stars In Still Water” by Jonsi to listen to and enjoy.

If you are REALLY craving some soft and melodic music, here’s another one for you. It’s “Snow” by Sleeping at Last. Not entirely appropriate today, since it’s summer and the song is about snow. But this was played in my mix this morning, and I forgot how much I love it:

Hopefully an actual blog entry to come soon. It’s been a while. Lots of thoughts on tension, adoption, and faith… Stay tuned.

Howdy Ho, Good Neighbor...

2011-04-30T14:20:00.005-05:00

I love my dad. He’s such a great guy. But one thing I will say - he has interesting television watching habits. Sometimes, he’ll watch the same show and/or movie over and over, just because he loves it so much. I suppose we all have similar tendencies, but for some reason, my dad especially makes me giggle when I think of repetitive television show watching. I think my mom believes it’s genetic, and that I inherited the “repetitive watching” gene from him. I beg to differ, but I suppose my adolescent years filled with repeat episodes of Full House, Saved By the Bell, and the Wonder Years would prove otherwise.

Growing up, I remember my dad habitually watching the show Home Improvement. I can still remember the theme song as if I had just watched an episode 2 minutes ago. I too loved watching the show, and can remember a lot of funny things about different episodes.

But over the past few weeks, that show has been on my mind an unusual amount. Strange, I know. But what I keep thinking about is Wilson - you know, that strange, quirky neighbor who was on the other side of the fence from Tim Taylor, who’s face you could never quite see...

So why do I keep thinking about Wilson?

Well, there are a few reasons. Over the past few months, I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on the community of people I have been blessed to be a part of. Don’t get me wrong. We have had our share of ups and downs. We’ve experienced amazing moments of growth and closeness, and we’ve also experienced many moments of hurt, pain, and distance. But through it all, I have found myself overwhelmingly blessed by the people that surround me.

One of the reasons I have been blessed by my friends is that they’re always there. Maybe not in person, and maybe not for lengthy periods of time - but they’re there. In my joyful moments, and in my darkest moments, they’re there with emails, texts, coffee talks, walks, and a plethora of other things to let me know they are there for me. This was the kind of person that Wilson was for Tim on Home Improvement. Did you ever notice that every time Tim went outside, Wilson was there? During his moments of joy, and times of sadness, “Howdy ho, good neighbor,” he was there.

Another reason I have been thinking about Wilson is that he always had the most timely, wise advice or encouraging word for Tim. Do you ever notice that Wilson never complained? He was always so positive, and always looking for ways to encourage and uplift Tim, even in his “redirection” (which Tim often needed). I love this - and I want to BE this kind of neighbor. I want to strive to always be positive, always be loving, and always provide encouragement... even if my encouragement is in the middle of redirection. The community I belong to is a pretty good example of that. I am so grateful to have this positive force in my life - people who always seek to encourage, uplift, and gently redirect.

And finally, Wilson is WONDERFULLY patient and full of grace. Part of the humor of Home Improvement is the fact that the protagonist is a screw up - he always makes mistakes, and always finds himself in predicaments. And yet even though, time after time, Tim makes these mistakes and Wilson would have every right to be frustrated with him, he isn’t. He doesn’t condemn him. He doesn’t rail into him. He doesn’t ignore him or push him away. He listens - over and over again - with amazing patience and unconditional love.

That to me, is amazing. That is a true neighbor. One who loves you no matter what. No matter how emotional you are, no matter how many mistakes you make, no matter how consistent (or inconsistent) you are... No matter what, he is there for him, he loves him, and will continue to support and encourage him in any way possible.

Wilson is a great neighbor.

Don’t get me wrong... I think the bible is laced with tons of amazing examples of how to be a good neighbor, and what it means to be a good neighbor. I try not to always take examples from pop culture...

But I couldn’t help this one. For some reason, Home Improvement - and more specifically, Wilson - came to mind recently, and I’ve been thinking a lot about him.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the privilege of being with a group of people for a Palm Sunday dinner. A couple of times during the day, I stopped to look around the room and was humbled to see who I was sharing the room with. Such amazing and beautiful people. Creative people, smart people, younger people, older people, people who have had a lot of life experience, people who are just beginning their life experiences...

People who are thoughtful, people who are loving, people who are generous, people who are full of grace...

Some of the people in the room I knew well, others I didn’t know at all - but it didn’t matter. They were all beautiful to me. I felt honored and blessed to be with them.

May I learn to be like Wilson (and my friends) - who are always THERE, who seek to be positive and encouraging in all circumstances, and who never give up on people but strive to bring out the best in them.

May I learn to love like these people:

(photo courtesy of Mike Fuchs)

for you now

2011-03-03T23:10:00.004-06:00

Look out world... This opens up a whole new blogging experience for me (embedding music within my blog entery). Maybe this will encourage me to actually write/post more.

If you've pressed play on the Grooveshark widget above, you are listening to "For You Now" by Bruno Merz (not to be confused with Bruno Mars).

Enjoy.

following footsteps

2011-03-03T22:24:00.001-06:00

Please press play on the music player you see above.

You are listening to Following Footsteps by Greg Holden.

One of the things I LOVE about finding a new artist is all the OTHER artists that are linked to that one artist. I recently discovered Ian Axel, who's absolutely fantastic. Ian put together a fun little video for his song "This Is The New Year" and there was this dude in it who during one seen, did what I like to call the cookie swoop, and just seemed like a fun person. Come to find out, he's ALSO a musician... named Greg Holden.

I did a little researching and found this song, which musically, I think is just beautiful (haven't fully listened to the lyrics yet). But, I also learned that Sound Cloud gives me the ability to post music with my blog entries.

I'm excited at the prospect of writing another blog entry that has a song you can listen to while you read. I just have to find another song via Song Cloud, or check out whether or not Groove Shark has the embedding option.

But for now, enjoy Following Footsteps by the lovely musician, Greg Holden.

dreams

2011-01-08T00:43:00.004-06:00

I can’t sleep. I realize that midnight is pretty early to claim any sort of insomnia, but it’s well past my normal bedtime, so I feel like I SHOULD be able to go to sleep. So anyway, I asked myself, “Tory, what do you normally do when you can’t sleep?” The answer? Write. I’m not sure why I always turn to writing when I can’t sleep, or when I’m upset about something… It just seems to be what I do. Disclaimer: My best writing is NOT done in this state of mind. Readers beware. Hahaha… But, I do have a real warning. What I’m about to share is a little awkward, and may make you see me in a different light. I hope that you’ll extend a bit of understanding, and not judge me for what I’m about to write.

Since I can’t sleep, but we’re on the topic, I figured I would write about dreams. I have tried for months to write about my dreams, but each time I have tried, I have felt a little like a lunatic. I also haven’t been able to articulate really well what exactly is going on. But, since I have nothing better to do on a Friday night at midnight, I figured I would try. Maybe it’ll be a series of writings… who knows.

Some of you may know this about me, but a few months ago, I was severely plagued with dreams. Ok, “severely plagued’ may be a bit dramatic, but in all honesty, that’s what it felt like. For a good two months, I had multiple dreams every single night, all of which were extremely vivid. And they left me utterly exhausted the next day. Some of them were just strange, while some of them were dark, and even violent. I would often wake up distraught and frustrated. A lot of times, I was able to link my dreams to what had recently been going on in my life, or things I had recently seen/heard. Usually, they were jumbled up a bit, but most of the time I could figure out why I dreamt about the things I did. I tried to eliminate watching intense/scary/violent type things, and also was careful about the conversations I would have, but nothing seemed to work. And there were other times where I couldn’t link my dreams to anything – I was completely confused on why I had them.

But something I find both interesting and frustrating is that ever since I was a really little kid, I have had violent dreams. I am not entirely sure why as a small child I was dreamt the things I did, but this fact has bothered me for quite some time. I have also often wondered why I have never met anyone else who’s struggled with the same thing. Sometimes, I am embarrassed to share what I dream about because I feel like people will judge me or think that I have some sort of dark side. But I often wonder if this is one of the enemy’s greatest ways of getting to me…

See, one of the unfortunate side affects of these dreams is that they stick with me for a while. During the following day, it will feel to me as though the dream really happened. For example: Back in the day when I used to work at Ridgewood, I had a dream that my good friend (and boss) and I had a HORRENDOUS fight where we were both yelling at each other and saying awful things to one another. The strange thing is, at the time, I had no tension towards him in real life. Things were great in our friendship – so the dream really felt as though it came out of nowhere. The next morning, I told myself, “It wasn’t real. It didn’t happen. You have no reason to feel this way.” But no matter how hard I tried to rationalize it, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself it wasn’t real and I had no reason to feel the way I did, I felt miserable. I felt anxious about seeing my friend. I felt angry about the things he said. I knew it wasn’t real – so why did I feel the way I did? It’s like when I have a dream about someone I haven’t seen in a long time – the entire next day, I long to see that person. Or if I have a dream about something I aspire to do – when I wake up, I’m frustrated that I don’t or can’t do it.

Sometimes I think this is the enemy’s way of getting to me… He wedges his little ideas inside my dreams, causing me to feel anxiety, fear, loneliness, and frustration, not to mention the exhaustion I feel after a night of dreaming. Sometimes I wonder if that’s just one of the ways he attacks me and/or my faith…

I don’t know what it is, but dreams have a temporary yet powerful hold on my emotions. I am not sure how to work through that or how to make it less of a reality for me, but it is indeed something to deal with. Just the other night, I had a dream that, at the time, was really scary. I remember waking up at 1:30 in the morning, and thinking to myself, “I really ought to write this down.” At the time, I was so out of it, and so shaken, that I decided not to write it down. I shared the dream with a friend today, and even as I told it, I thought to myself, “It doesn’t sound THAT scary…” And yet, it seemed so real at the time and early the next morning.

However, it also got me thinking about something…

I have decided that I am going to start documenting my dreams. For what purpose? I have no idea. I don’t necessarily believe that there are people in the world who can analyze my dreams. But there’s part of me that wants to document what I dream for two reasons: A) There are a LOT of them, and they’re for sure interesting. Plus, it might help explain to people a little bit why I am so frustrated with all my dreaming and why I get so worked up over them. And B) I’d be interested in seeing if there are any patterns/trends in what I’m dreaming about. I have already identified one trend in my dreams (which is too icky to share), and I’d be interested in seeing if there are more patterns or trends.

I’m not sure if I’ll be great at keeping up with documenting my dreams, but I do think it’d be interesting to try. I’ve thought about doing a sleep study as well, just to see what they think about all the crazy brain activity I have while I sleep.

Maybe it’s just as simple as being cursed with a wild imagination? If only that imagination would come alive during the day, and not at night!

Anyway, that’s my story about dreaming… With all this talk about dreaming, it’ll be interesting to see if I have any crazy dreams tonight!

(image taken from www.mindcafe.org)

new year

2011-01-04T22:05:00.003-06:00

Because this song/video makes my heart super happy, I decided to share it with you...

Makes me want to rock out with my friends in front of a video camera... hahaha...

This Is A New Year - Ian Axel

ideal

2010-12-14T22:19:00.002-06:00

It has been far too long since I’ve blogged – I’m not quite sure I remember how! In all seriousness though, writing has been a bit of a daunting thing for me over the past year. I think that too often, I avoid writing because I know it’ll be ugly. My words will sounds shallow, or silly, and it won’t flow the way I want it to. Or it won’t make sense. And that makes me never want to pull out a pen and paper, or a computer, ever again.

I don’t practice like I should, and therefore, don’t write like I would like to. But therein lies the problem. I think I have this idealized concept of writing… When I think of different writers I like - Chaim Potok, John Steinbeck, and Anne Lamott – I imagine them sitting down to a desk in the morning, writing until the stars are dancing in the sky, and finishing with a brilliant piece of work they’ve written in one day – a piece that is perfectly constructed, with no errors, and will move people to tears upon reading. However, Anne Lamott in her book Bird By Bird indicates that this is FAR from the truth. In my head, I have idealized the writing process, which has made me petrified of even trying to write. But tonight, I started to think about just how much I idealize not only writing, but other things in my life as well…

IDEAL
–noun
1. a conception of something in its perfection.

2. a standard of perfection or excellence.

3. a person or thing conceived as embodying such a conception or conforming to such a standard, and taken as a model for imitation: Thomas Jefferson was his ideal.

4. an ultimate object or aim of endeavor, esp. one of high or noble character: He refuses to compromise any of his ideals.

5. something that exists only in the imagination: To achieve the ideal is almost hopeless.

(www.dictionary.com)

The word “ideal” has escaped my mouth NUMEROUS times over the past few weeks. I feel as though I have had to wrestle through a lot of my own perceptions about life and its circumstances that I am just now realizing I have completely idealized, and I have also found myself encouraging people around me to do the same – look at situations in their life that they are scared of, avoiding, or refusing to change because of some sort of “idealized” perception.

One of the things I have come to LOVE doing is looking up the definitions to words. Just the other day, I got into a conversation with two of my friends about the use of the word “evil” in the book of Job. Being the nerd that I am, I came home, looked up the Greek word, and found the definition of the word. But what I loved is the reframing and the reshaping the definition did for me as I re-read that passage in scripture.

So tonight, I decided to look up the word “ideal” and see what it means. As I read through the descriptions above, I began to realize just how dangerous it is to idealize things. The 5th definition is what struck me: Something that exists only in the imagination: to achieve the ideal is almost hopeless. Hopeless… Idealization can lead to hopelessness.

It made me realize how much I create an atmosphere of “hopelessness” in my own life when I idealize something. I create a standard of perfection or excellence that will never be reached. I have a skewed conception of something existing only in its perfection.

I can’t help but wonder what my life might look like if I didn’t idealize so many things. I idealize things like living outside of the U.S. – something I have wanted to do for years, and imagine to be a wonderfully romantic and wild adventure. I idealize what being a parent would be like – that even though I’d be a single mom adopting a child who has a lot of baggage, we’d conquer the odds and becoming an amazing family! I idealize relationships – that people will know exactly how and when to encourage me, and will do so in a flawless manner.

But then I find that I am hopeless when that simply isn’t the case. That’s not to say I can’t enjoy living outside the U.S., or that I can’t be a single mom and absolutely enjoy it… But I think I set myself up for something so unrealistic that it only begs for a sense of hopelessness when not achieved.

Is it inherently wrong to dream or hope for things like a life outside the U.S., or being a single, adoptive parent? Is it wrong for me to desire relationships with people who are deeply involved in my life? No, of course not. But in doing so, I need to make sure that I am pursuing healthy perspectives of them. I need to make sure that I’m not looking at just the beautiful, romantic, and whimsical attributes, but also the hard, stressful, draining, and messy parts... I need to make sure I understand the marriage of both.

And in all honesty, who really wants the idealized version? When something is “ideal” I feel as though it lacks the depth and fullness that blood, sweat, and tears bring. There is a richness to experiencing something that is a bit messy, that requires hard work and sacrifice, but in the end is redeemed.

Yet, I find it so easy sometimes to idealize those things that my soul yearns for.

I definitely don’t have the answer on the best way to stop idealizing things. But I do have a heart that no longer wants to experience a sense of hopelessness because of unhealthy perspectives.

May I learn to pursue healthy perspectives, and learn to love dreaming about the marriage of the beautiful and the ugly pieces of life.

change

2010-08-30T00:13:00.001-05:00

“Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.”
(Karen Kaiser Clark – Motivational Speaker)

Many of you know this about me – me and change, well, we’re not good friends.

Actually, I take that back… It’s not ALL change that I dislike, only some. There are different types of changes I actually do VERY well with – like changing my clothes. I will often wear two different outfits each day – a work outfit, and a post-work outfit. Somewhat ridiculous, I realize, but it’s what I do. That kind of change I do very well with. Changing stations – if there is a song or television show on I don’t like, I am very much okay with changing stations. I am also okay with change that involves something bad turning into something good – that is the kind of change I can get behind.

But I must say, I completely resonate with the age-old phrase, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

I have always struggled with change in my life, especially when things seem to be going so well as is. I mean really, why fix it if it isn’t broken? Maybe it is because growing up, I had a lot of constants in my life. My parents stayed together for my entire childhood, and are STILL together. I lived in the same house all the while growing up. I had the same friends from the time I was a toddler until the time I graduated high school. Sure, there were a couple of things that were not constant – I had quite a few different school settings growing up, and I had a few friends come and go – but for the most part, things in my life from birth through high school were pretty constant. Change was rare, and that may be one reason why I am resistant to change now as an adult.

But for some reason, I do really struggle with change, and this past year has been full of change for me.

Last fall, I decided to go back to school - to get my Master’s degree, and to be come a teacher. I started attending a small group that instantly became like family to me, and disproved my theory that I would never again find a community. I had found two absolutely amazing friends who challenged me a great deal spiritually, and poured into me in ways I had not experienced in a while. I got a promotion at work. And I got a new car.

All of these things were changes for me – good changes. And I enjoyed them… Until these “changes” started to change. I believe this quote sums it up pretty well:

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” (Arnold Bennet - British novelist/playwright)

After four months in school, I decided to quit, which left me feeling directionless. I had – and still have – no idea what to pursue vocationally. The spiritual family I had come to love just recently decided to divide and multiply – wonderful to learn that we are growing and ready to form/build other groups, but it left me mourning the loss of what I had considered the best thing in my life. The two amazing friends I had become so close with and in some respects, built my life around, decided to start dating one another, completely altering our friendship. The promotion I got at work lasted about 2 months, until I had a completely different job dropped in my lap – one I did not enjoy, nor felt successful at… And on top of it all, I was supposed to go to Africa for 3 weeks, and the night before I was supposed to leave, the trip was called off.

But, as a side note, my new car is still great. At least that hasn’t changed.

I am not saying this as a “woe is me” sort of thing… Just merely stating the fact that what started out as seemingly “good” changes turned into seemingly “not-so-good” changes.

And now, as I look forward to the next 6 months of my life, I see there are more new changes on the horizon. Tomorrow, I start a new job at Elmbrook Church. I’ve missed being in ministry. Since leaving the Rescue Mission, I just haven’t felt the same. My heart hasn’t really felt the same. And while I don’t know if full-time ministry in a church is what I am designed to do for the rest of my life, it is what feels like home to me right now. I am going to be attending a new small group, which a few of my friends will be leading. New beginnings and new faces could be a really good thing for my soul. I am anxious to see what new relationships might be formed. And I am looking towards moving out in the next 6 months. The thought of moving out brings such joy to my heart.

All of these changes are also seemingly “good.” However, I can’t help but hold on to a little bit of fear because I feel like when GOOD changes come, NOT-SO-GOOD changes aren’t that far behind.

Yet, I have come to learn something… There is a great deal of growth that comes through change. And in all honesty, I feel like in the midst of change, we as humans become most vulnerable. We become most aware of our inability, and we become even MORE aware of our need for a Savior. If we never had change, if we never had a sense of instability, we would always feel like we had it figured out – that we knew the “ropes” of life. And yet, what is the good in that? What good is it if I master life? I’d never feel challenged, never feel like I accomplished anything – and definitely would never feel the need for any sort of help from the Creator of the Universe.

But I think change – as uncomfortable and painful as it can be and often is – is so healthy and so good for our souls. It allows us to learn. It allows us to uncover more of the mystery. It allows us to grow. It allows us to become.

When I was doing a search for quotes about change, I came across this final one. I looked and looked and looked, and could not find the author of this quote. But I love it so much:

“Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” (Unknown)

It’s so true, isn’t it? I love the idea behind it, even though I know it is going to be painful. But it’s beautiful to think that every day we surrender who we are, we get that much closer to being the person God wants us to become. Such a rad thought. Even though change and I are not good friends, and I am typically unbelievably resistant to it, I hope that I begin to see and accept change for the amazing thing it can be.

May I be a person who, in the midst of change, recognizes the amazing power change has to help me continually surrender who I am in an effort to be the person I am meant to become.

The day I almost went to Africa...

2010-07-17T12:33:00.000-05:00

For the past six months, my life has revolved around one thing: going to Africa. Last fall, my friend Christine moved to Uganda to be a full-time missionary. From the day she got there, she would tell me over and over how much I needed to go there – how much she could see ME there full-time. Quite a few years ago, she had gone to Ghana, and would tell me stories about her time there. Throughout our conversations, Christine said I’d light up about Africa. She’s told me I have an African heart… I’m not totally sure what that means, but I’m guessing it means that in my heart, I have a love for that continent.

And she’s right, I do. And today is the day I almost went to Africa.

Last January, I made the decision to travel to Africa and visit Christine in Uganda, seeing what it is that she does and helping her out in any way that I can. About a month after I made the decision to go, my friend Jenny decided that she also would go. For months, all we kept saying to each other was “We’re going to Africa!” with excitement but also a sense of disbelief. Neither one of us could believe we were ACTUALLY going to Africa. It seemed like a dream come true. We couldn’t wait to play with children, hold babies, and see how God moves in a people so totally different from ourselves, in a culture unlike anything we’d ever experienced. We had a countdown going on Facebook and everything.

A few weeks ago, I said to my mom, “Mom, I feel like I’m not actually going to BE in Africa. I’m not sure why I can’t shake the feeling, but I’m really struggling to envision myself there.” At the time, I just imagined it was because it was something totally foreign to me, and it was probably just my disbelief that it was actually going to happen – that I was actually going to go to Africa. It seemed like such an unreal dream! But I had a ticket in hand, and I was set to go.

That is, until someone decided to detonate bombs inside a rugby club and Ethiopian restaurant in Kampala last Sunday. Uganda is part of the African Union (AMISOM), and have troops currently in Somalia to support the Somalian government. Somalia is known for it’s lawless state, and Uganda has offered its support to protect the president of Somalia. However, there is a group named Al-Shabaab that is unhappy about the presence of Uganda (and Burundi) in Somalia, and want them out, hence the reason for the bombings.

Since Sunday, nothing else has happened. However, there is an African Union Summit that starts Monday, where apparently quite a few dignitaries will be going to Kampala to discuss the situation in Somalia. This has made some folks very uneasy and nervous about being in Kampala. The US Embassy in Kampala issued a Warden’s Message yesterday indicating that Uganda planned to send an additional 2000 troops to Somalia, and that the bomb threats on Uganda had not ceased. I was told that other organizations like Invisible Children, Zion Project, and Child Voice have postponed their travel to Kampala. And due to these potential safety issues, Christine decided to cancel our trip to Africa. While I didn’t agree with the decision, and still felt strongly about going, I had to respect her decision.

But what my life has revolved around for 6 months is now no longer happening.

Right now, my parents and I would have been meeting up with my brother and sister-in-law for lunch, getting ready to go to the airport. 5 hours from now, I would have been taking off in an airplane headed for Uganda. And 48 hours from now, I would have been meeting up with Christine in Kampala!

But instead, I’m looking at a pile of clothes on the floor that didn’t even make it into my backpack. I’m looking at a pile of medical supplies that will now have to be shipped instead of hand delivered. And I’m looking at the next 3 weeks of my life wondering what in the world I’m going to do with myself.

Have you ever found yourself a point of feeling like you no longer want to desire or hope for anything because you feel like it’s just one “no” right after the next? That’s sort of how I’m feeling right now… I feel like this past year has been filled with a lot of “no’s” in my life. And the more I think about it, the more I feel like there have been a lot of “no’s” in my life in general. I’ve had numerous situations where I’ve felt like everything was how it should be – that I was where I was supposed to be. And then everything would fall apart and change. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t take any steps forward because they never seem to be the right ones.

For six months, I’ve been told this trip would be life-changing. Does that now mean that my life won’t change? Am I just going to go through the next six months with the same life because I had a life-changing opportunity taken away from me? So may people encouraged me saying that maybe this trip would provide clarity – does that mean now I won’t receive any clarity? That I’ll continue on wondering what in the world God has designed me for?

Everyone has said to me, “This happened for a reason.” I don’t want to sound like the ultimate pessimist or that I don’t trust God for keeping me here, but at the same time, I don’t think that is a true statement. Over the years, I don’t know that I believe that everything happens for a reason – or at least, a reason I’m privy to know/understand. Sometimes, I think things just happen. We want to give them reason in order to make ourselves feel better.

I’ll be interested to see what happens in the next 3 weeks. The experienced and logical side of me says nothing will happen. No more bombings will take place in Kampala, nothing magical or revolutionary will happen in my life. Things will just go on as normal. Sure, there might be some cool things that take place – I might head out to California for a while to help my friend with a wall mural she’s doing through the Compton Initiative. But I’m not sure that anything transformational will happen. I’m not sure that my life was spared by not going to Uganda. I guess only the next 3 weeks will tell…

But I’m just really sad knowing that today is not the day I had hoped it would be. I’m struggling a bit with anger too. And I’m confused on why I had a peace about going, but God did not grant the same peace to others. My heart is sad. Today is the day I almost got travel to a continent I’ve talked about for years, that I’ve supported through a variety of organizations, and that I’ve dreamed of one day experiencing. Today is the day I almost started what could have been a “life-changing” experience. Today is the day I almost saw first hand how God works on the opposite side of the world. Today is the day I almost learned whether or not “missions” is something God has in mind for my life. Today is the day I almost got to leave the country for 3 weeks, experience a new culture for 3 weeks, get away from work for 3 weeks, be in a new surrounding for 3 weeks, be stretched for 3 weeks, and grow a ton in 3 weeks.

Today is the day I almost went to Africa.

On Treasures: Thoughts from Sleeping in a Car

2010-06-28T07:21:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, I went camping with some WestC Hubsters (our not-so-small group is referred to as a “hub.” Hubs are formed regionally, so ours is the West Central Hub, hence WestC Hubsters). On a lovely and sunny Friday evening, we packed up all our gear, and headed to Yellowstone. Lake, that is. Not THE Yellowstone. Just Yellowstone Lake.

I was asked to bring in the later carpool, as we had a couple people who couldn’t leave until later in the evening. We arrived by about 9:00pm to a camp that was already set up for us. Fantastic! Not having to put up tents in the dark made me quite the happy camper. We unloaded all our gear, got ourselves settled in, and sat down for a night of guitar and djembe (it’s been a while since I’ve played my djembe – felt good!) and chatting around the fire. It was a great way to start off the camping trip…

And then, the lightning and the thunder came. And then, buckets of rain.

Now, keep in mind… I absolutely adore thunderstorms. They may be one of my most favorite things in creation. However, when you suddenly find that there’s a lake in your tent at 1:00am, they tend to not be as fun to have around. Our tent ended up having a massive amount of water in one of the corners. Because we didn’t really know what other options we had, I gave my mostly-dry sleeping bag to the girl who had previously been sleeping in the lake of water, took off with a pillow and an umbrella, and ran barefoot through the mud and rain to my little Versa, where I would cozy up for the evening.

When I got to my car, I was soaked. I thought about curling up in the back seat, but one of the girls who had been in my car had paperwork in the back seat that she had been working on. I was completely wet and I didn’t want to ruin it. So, I decided to sit in the front seat. I got into my car, pulled off my soaking wet pillowcase, curled my pillow up next to me, covered my arms with a hoodie, and tried my best to fall asleep…

But sleep never really came.

The lightning was constant and the thunder fairly loud, making it somewhat difficult to fall asleep. Not to mention the fact that I still had a bit of adrenaline pumping through my system. As I sat there though, trying to sleep in my car, somewhat cold and completely soaked, I started thinking…

About 2 years ago, I had come up with this project I wanted to do. I wanted to live in a car for a year. Now, the plan was a bit more in-depth than that, and there were reasons behind my wanting to live in a car for a year. But that was the basic idea behind it – live in my car for a year.

What started my idea was that I had two friends named Johanna and Jason, who had just taken a trip with a couple of their friends out west. They drove the whole way and traveled in a Honda Element. They were telling me just how great the Honda Element was – that it was roomy, and had seats in the back that folded down, making it large enough for an air mattress and a cozy place to sleep. I think they may have even said, “You could live in it!”

That of course got my brain ticking… and I wondered, “What if I sent in a proposal to Honda, asking them to give me a Honda Element, and in return, I would spend a year living in it, blog about it, make short videos about it, etc. and provide them with some advertising in the effort?” Granted, how “far reaching” my advertising for them would have been was definitely debatable. But I thought it could have been a great idea… The titled of my project was going to be "Elemental: 365 Days in a Honda Element" and the idea was to live on the basic "elements" of life. My hopes were that, in my “year long” house sabbatical, I’d learn what it meant to live on very little. I realized that I would not be simulating poverty in any way shape or form. I mean, after all, I had a car. I would have two HUGE things that people who are homeless do not have – shelter and transportation. I also planned to retain my job. Basically, the only things that would have been different were where I went to sleep each night, where I showered, how I ate, and how much stuff I’d have with me.

My plan was to sell almost all my possessions, taking with me only the few clothes I would need to work (oh the joys of dress code), and the few items I’d need in order to do some of the writing/videoing I wanted to do. But everything else – my musical instruments, my massive book, DVD and music collection, my electronics – everything – I’d sell.

Part of the reason I wanted to do this was to prove to myself (and maybe others) that “stuff” doesn’t make you happy. And part of it was to break myself of the habit of desiring and acquiring more and more “stuff.” I think also, I really wanted to see how creative I could get with learning to live on less. And finally, I wanted to spend some serious time thinking about all the people in the world who, not by choice, have very little to live on, and who would probably give anything to have even a car to sleep in at night.

And that’s a lot of what I thought about the other night when I slept in my car while camping. I really wrestled with my selfish thoughts… That first night, I was frustrated that we all had to sleep in our cars. As I was curled up under my hoodie – wet and cold – I was frustrated that I was sitting in an uncomfortable seat, wet and cold. But I started thinking about the fact that for me, it was one night. I would survive, I’d make it through, and the next night would be better. And in a couple of nights, I’d be back in the comfort of my own bed, surrounded by all the “stuff” I’ve come to love. I thought about the fact that there are millions in this world who do not have that luxury, who do not have the hope that the next night, they’ll be dry, warm, and safe somewhere. They do not have the luxury of seeking shelter in a car. They do not have the luxury of having a hoodie to pull over them to keep warm, and a pillow to comfort their head. They do not have the luxury of waking up the next morning to a huge spread of food, and friends that love them.

The past few months, our Hub has spent time going through the Sermon on the Mount – a ridiculously challenging and yet amazing portion of scripture. As I lay there under the constant lightning and thunder, I couldn’t help but think through the part where it talks about treasures on earth vs. treasures in heaven. Even this past week, I heard from a woman who spent a large portion of her life living on the streets - her story brought me to tears. I realized how often I am ungrateful, and even complain about all of the “treasures” I have here – treasures I should care less about! I thought about how I depend so much on my ability to buy my comfort and happiness. And yet, I realized how unfulfilling that is, and how un-Christlike it is as well.

I’m not saying that “stuff” is inherently bad. I’m not saying that I should deny myself everything in the world. However, what I’m saying is that over the past couple of years, but even moreso recently, I’ve come to realize just how much I depend on “stuff” and how it’s come to control me.

I don’t know what’s next as far as changing this… I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t know what my next move should be. But at least my brain is thinking, and I’ve become more conscious of my behavior.

Today, I’m going to visit a community house in the heart of Milwaukee. For a few years now, I've had a huge desire to live in a community house! I’m pretty excited to see how they’re “living on less” and really helping the kingdom come to earth. In less than 3 weeks, I’ll be in Gulu, Uganda. I’m quite sure that experience will also blow my mind. I’m so excited to learn… I just pray that I’m able to soak it all in, and really make some changes in my life.

May I be a person who constantly questions my "need" for stuff, who learns to store my treasures not on earth but in heaven, and who genuinely seeks for Your kingdom to come, and Your will to be done.

the ride

2010-06-20T11:20:00.005-05:00

A long time ago, there was a television show called "My So Called Life." Being a young teen when this show emerged, I totally fell in love with it. And Jordan Catalano? Come on. I mean, here was this mysterious guy with long hair, piercing blue eyes, and who played guitar - what young teenage girl wouldn't fall in love?

It was that show that made me a fan of Jared Leto... Quite a few years later, he created a band called 30 Seconds To Mars. I picked up the album merely out of curiosity. I liked a couple of the tunes, but for the most part, it wasn't totally my style. However, when their second album came out - A Beautiful Lie - I became more intrigued. Not so much with their music (though, their second album was much better than their first), but moreso with their music videos. The first video mirrored a movie I love - The Shining. The video was done really well - very moviesque. The second video - From Yesterday - had some AMAZING shots as well. Brilliant.

But for some reason, this video - for the song "Kings and Queens" off their third album - just makes my heart happy. I don't totally know why. Especially since it contains a few folks with creepy face make-up. But there is something about this video that I find utterly fantastic. I love that there's this massive group, a rag-tag posse of people, riding their bikes around really late at night through the city. I love that they all seem to be connected to one another even though they all look really different - and I love that they're all different! It kind of feels like you have the inside look into some sort of secret club or something. I'm not entirely sure... Maybe the reason I like this video is because secretly (or not so secretly now) I have a ridiculous fascination with bike messengers. It's true. I do.

All I know is that I really really enjoy this video... and so I thought I'd share it with you. Enjoy!

and you shall love

2010-06-10T22:37:00.003-05:00

“Hear O Israel, the Lord your God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and you shall speak of them when you sit at home, and when you walk along the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up. And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be for frontlets between your eyes. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

Quite a few years ago, I learned about this Jewish prayer called Shema Yisrael (or just Shema). It incorporates a few different sections of scripture, including Deuteronomy 6:4-9 (above) which is one of my favorite passages in scripture. I just love the Old Testament, and as a Christian, this portion of the Bible contains one of the greatest commandments – to love the Lord my God with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my strength.

And you shall love…

Today, I did something I’ve wanted to do for quite some time – I got a tattoo. However, I didn’t want to get just any old tattoo. I wanted to get something meaningful. I’ve known for a while that I wanted a tattoo on my wrist, and that I wanted something in Hebrew. I originally thought about getting “adopted” because I am now an adopted child of God. However, I thought this might be a little tricky and hard to explain to others. As I started thinking more, I landed on the word “love.” Each day, I have to choose to love. It’s not always easy. Sometimes my natural inclination is to do the opposite of love. And I felt like having a tattoo of the word “love” might serve as a good reminder to daily choose to love. However, I only knew the translation for the noun form of love, not the verb. I had no idea how to translate it… So, I decided to settle on the noun form.

Two and a half hours before I was supposed to get my tattoo, things changed…

I got into an IM conversation with my friend Kristina, who was asking me about my tattoo. I told her that what I really wanted was the verb form of love, but didn’t know what version to use, and didn’t really like the look of the verb forms I had found. Kristina decided to help me out. Working at Elmbrook, she headed down to the resource library and sent me roughly 8 different pictures she’d taken of Hebrew bibles/texts. She sent me one image that had a translation for “and you shall love.”

I instantly fell in love with how it looked, and with the meaning behind it.

So, around noon today, Solid State’s rock star artist John tattooed “and you shall love” on my wrist. My favorite partners in crime - Kate Berumen and Lady Z - were there to witness the event.

I’m so excited by this phrase… and I love being able to share with people what it means, and why it’s there. Each day, I’m reminded to love God with everything in me – with my entire being. However, it doesn’t stop there… “and you shall love” also reminds me to continually choose to love those around me – to make the conscious choice to be more loving. It serves as a reminder that loving other is what’s expected of me.

Getting this tattoo today was so good on so many levels… I freaked out a bit at the size (it was a little bigger than I was imagining) and my freakishly pale skin makes it stand out quite a bit. But I love that it’s permanent. I love that later in the Shema, it says, “You shall bind them as a sign on your hand” and that’s sort of what I did today.

May this tattoo serve as a reminder to continually pursue God with my entire being, and to love those around me with the love of Jesus.

list

2010-05-26T15:44:00.006-05:00

I never saw the movie “Bucketlist” – and in all honesty, I really have no desire to see it. But I can’t say that I’m not a fan of the concept – creating a list of all the things you want to do before you die. Over the years, I’ve created numerous lists such as these, and over time, they’ve changed quite a bit. There are a few items that have survived over the years, but as I’ve got older and as I’ve matured, my interests have shifted, and along with that, my list has also shifted. As I accomplished some of the items on my list, they've been removed. And as I have gained new interests, they were added to the list. But I’ll be honest, I haven’t revisited the “list” in a long time…

I figure now is as good a time as any to do that.

In about a month and a half, I will be doing something I’ve always wanted to do – go to Africa. I am so excited to be able to experience this, and it got me thinking about all of the other things that I want to do. And the past few months have been filled with a lot of “what’s next?” questions. I feel as though right now, I have absolutely NO IDEA what’s next in life. That is somewhat exhilarating, but also absolutely terrifying. But maybe putting these ideas down on paper – or in the blogosphere – will help me actually start thinking about them, and actually start DOING some of them. And maybe, as I start to do these things, I’ll have a little more clarity on the “what’s next?” And if not, at least I enjoyed the ride, right?

I’ll warn you – some of the items on my list are silly, and you may wonder why in the world it’s important to me. Some of them are very serious, and could be really difficult/tricky to do. And some of the things listed here are very very near to my heart, and I know that if I reach the end of my life without ever having experienced them, I will be quite sad.

So without further ado, and in no particular order, here is “the list”:
1. Travel to Africa (soon to be crossed off the list!)
2. Write & illustrate a children’s book (even if it doesn’t get published)
3. Create an animated short film or a documentary
4. Learn to sew my own clothes
5. Be a part of a “Compton Initiative” wall mural (Some day, Sara! Some day!)
6. Travel to India
7. Live in a different country for at least a year
8. Memorize an entire book of the Bible (Deutoronomy? Too ambitious?)
9. Climb/hike up a mountain (not sure which one or how high)
10. Learn to play violin
11. Be a “parent” of sorts (foster parent, adoptive parent, or orphanage mom)
12. Do something risky for a cause / participate in some sort of “civil protest”
13. Write one letter every day for a year
14. Read 1 book a month for a year (What can I say – I’m a slow reader!)
15. Backpack across Europe – staying in hostels, walking/take train everywhere
16. Learn to speak fluently in a foreign language
17. Work in an orphanage for at least 6 months, if not longer
18. Create and maintain a garden and/or participate in a “community garden”
19. Learn how to cook REALLY REALLY well (all healthy stuff!)
20. Learn to surf
21. Get a meaningful tattoo (maybe something in Hebrew on my wrist)
22. Learn to love running (got a lot to work through for this)
23. Help build a Habitat for Humanity House (or two, or three, or four…)
24. Ride an elephant! (Elephants are my favorite!)
25. Have an article published in Paste magazine (oh how I love music!)
26. Make sure to do sidewalk chalk drawings at least once every summer
27. Learn how to play the guitar well (yes, even bar chords – SO HARD FOR ME!)
28. Learn how to dance (don’t laugh at me)
29. Learn how to paint (I paint now, but don’t know much about painting)
30. Visit the Holy Land… walk where Jesus walked

That’s a lot of stuff, and I’m already 30 years into my life… Not sure if I’ll accomplish all of these, but I believe it will be fun trying. I could have kept going, but I think 30 is good for now. 30 just seems like a good number all around.

Here’s to bucket lists…

lost

2010-05-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

Can I be geeky for an entry? Do I have permission to do that?

For the past six years, I have dedicated myself to a story… Six years is a lot of time, I realize. But in some respects, it feels like six years of goodness.

Six years ago, I started watching the TV show LOST. Yes, I know. Total geekdom. Not only have I dedicated six years of my life to following this TV show, but I’m now also dedicating a blog entry to it. Pretty sad, hey? But bear with me…

I’m a lover of stories. I mean, absolute, hard-core lover of stories. My favorite class in high school was English. Why? Stories. I was an English/Film major in college. Why? Stories. Even now, I love to hear other people’s stories. I can sit for hours just listening to people in my community tell me stories about their lives.

And LOST provided one fantastic story.

I’ve never found myself more connected to a show before. Sure I’ve had a few favorites over the years. I think I’ve probably seen every episode of The Wonder Years more than once. Such a great show. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Freaks and Geeks. And I even had a short-lived love for the ticking clock of 24. However, I’ve never really enjoyed a story as much as I’ve enjoyed the story of LOST.

I was talking with a fellow LOST fan tonight, as tonight is the series finale. We were talking about why the show is so great, and why so many other fans have dedicated so much of their time to following this story. This fellow LOST fan and I recognized the fact that some like it for the mystery, some for the sci-fi/fantasy-like nature, some for the romance, and some for the spiritual/philosophical aspects… and some for all of the above.

For me, I think the reason I’ve been so wrapped up in it is because these people – these characters we’ve come to know over the past six years – are all a part of something bigger than themselves. While they are all individuals and contribute their own unique piece to the puzzle, the puzzle is so much bigger than each of them individually. They must decide whether or not to trust each other. The must decide whether or not to work together or against each other. They must learn about each other, grow together, and see the good, the bad and the ugly together. And that is what has drawn me in – their community of people and the lives they’ve built with each other.

I think that we each deeply desire to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. From the time we’re little, we’re searching for some sort of bigger purpose. We learn about the cause and effect of our behavior. We realize our love and need for community. Good and evil are battling within us. We want to fight against our selfish desires for the good of our neighbor. And we want to do everything in our power to point people to what is good, noble, and true.

And that is what LOST is all about. Again, I realize I sound pretty geeky – putting so much weight on a silly television show. But I truly believe that is why LOST has so many fans, so many people who have dedicated six years of their lives to following their story. I believe that a lot of us that watch the show see a bit of ourselves in it – people who are searching, wanting to be a part of something bigger than themselves. People who are trying to learn about the cause and effect of their behavior. People who recognize their need for community. People who struggle with the battle of good and evil going on within. People who are fighting against their selfish desires… and people who are wanting to point people to what is good, noble and true.

I realize that there are people who are NOT fans of LOST who resonate with the above statements. But I often wonder if that is why there ARE so many fans of LOST – because we see a little bit of ourselves in the show and in the characters we’ve come to know.

I’m sad to see LOST end… There was something special about being a part of a community that shared a deep love for the storytelling found in LOST. I’ll miss the philosophical and spiritual conversations that took place around this show. I’ll miss the theorizing and the conspiracies. I’ll miss the endings that made me yell “WHAT THE HECK?!” at my television set.

But it was a good six years – and it was a show that made me fall more and more in love with the art of storytelling. I love storytelling, and I look forward to more great storytelling in my life – both those on TV and those in my real life community.

fix you

2010-05-22T13:42:00.002-05:00

I just finished watching the documentary "Young @ Heart." Fantastic movie. If you ever get a chance to watch it, I highly recommend it. I had heard about it a while back, but just got around to watching it.

It made me remember just how much I love this song... So I thought I'd post it.
Unfortunately, I couldn't find the official video to embed, so this is a live performance. Please forgive the fact that you have to watch Chris Martin's inability to dance.

Man I love this song though... I hope you enjoy.

enjoy

2010-05-22T07:01:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I got to spend some time with one of my favorite people in the world. I’ve known my friend C for probably 18 or so years now, but my friendship with him has always been kind of funny. We’ve known each other for a long time, but I think we have a conversation with each other maybe 2-3 times a year…

Despite the fact that I only see him on occasion, he is one of those people that I always enjoy getting to reconnect with because he ignites such an energy in me that is rare. And yesterday was no exception.

The past couple of days have been filled with little sleep and lots of thoughts. Yesterday afternoon, I was wrestling through a TON of thoughts, and a lot of them pertained to my future – what’s next in the life of Tory. For probably the past 4 years, I’ve had a lot of on-again off-again thoughts about what it would look like to live a life of simplicity – to get rid of the bulk of my “stuff,” live in a small studio or 1 bedroom apartment with very little “stuff” and live off a meager salary, but doing something I love. Take an $8-10 an hour job working with kids making art all day, or something of that nature. I’ve thought a lot about moving to a different country for a while too. And given the events and thoughts of this past week, now might be the time to move forward. As I was wrestling through some of these thoughts, I found that I became overwhelmed by just how much I was thinking about. My friend C popped into my head. Why? Well, because C and I have had our share of conversations about what it means to be a Jesus follower, and also what it means to live on less. My friend C is a ridiculously fantastic example of what it means to live on less.

As I walked into his apartment yesterday – my first time ever in his new place – I was immediately inspired. C is a graphic designer and artist, and his apartment was the most inspirational apartment I’ve ever been in. Literally. As I walked in, the first thing I saw was a chair strapped to the ceiling. I laughed because if I tried to strap a chair to the ceiling, it would look silly. But this just fit. As I walked through the hallway into his “office” I walked into a room that had a beautiful mural covering the ceiling and the walls. Old crates arranged fantastically to display art books. Wires running across corners with art magazines hanging over them. Photography prints all over the place. It was SO fantastic. I told him when I first arrived to forgive me if I was really distracted during our conversation because there was simply too much to look at and too much to admire. Not that his house was filled with a ton… but there was just art everywhere – and it was fantastic!

What was even more fantastic was the conversation we had… Our conversation was all over the place (as are most of my conversations with C), and yet, what I always love about my conversations with him is that in his eyes, things are always do-able. I have a couple of friends that see life this way – that anything is possible – but with C, he makes me feel like anything is do-able, and yet doesn’t seem to make me feel bad or discouraged if I can’t see that possibility right away. If I start to throw excuses at him on why I think it’s not possible, he might just suggest a different way of looking at it or a way around it. He also recognizes that people come with different baggage and while everything is always do-able, the path there might look really different. And even though sometimes I get really overwhelmed by his suggestions, even though sometimes I think what he’s suggesting ISN’T do-able, I know that it is without him having to tell me – because he’s living proof.

I won’t give you exact figures… my friend C is pretty modest about telling people what he lives on per year. But I will tell you this. It is astonishing. I am baffled that he’s been able to do what he’s done, and how little he’s been able to live on. He’s mad creative, and has come up with some really clever ways around certain expenses. He has found ways to keep his expenses extremely low, and his joy of living extremely high. Whenever I think about the idea of loving every minute of life – loving what you do every day, and that what you love to do is your life – I think of C. That is why he came to mind yesterday, and that is why I stopped over to chat with him.

I’m tired of letting my debt own me. I’m tired of being in a job I hate (even though I know I can be a “light” in a job I hate, why spend the majority of my life fighting against something I hate). I sat across from him yesterday saying, “I don’t even know what I enjoy doing anymore.”

And that’s true. It’s a sad fact, but true. That came to light even prior to my conversation with C. My life over the past year has become solely dependent upon relationships and the commonalities I have in those relationships. I’ve walked away from things like photography, painting and writing because they didn’t totally fit in with my new friendships. I have loved the new friendships I’ve built – they’re great. There have been things I’ve done with my new friends that I enjoy, but I’ve put too much weight on those, and have lost the other things I used to love. I sat across from C and said, “I literally don’t know what I LOVE doing anymore.” We talked about a couple of things – things I THINK I’d love to do – and he gave me some really practical suggestions – things he’s been suggesting to me for quite some time now, and I just never really listened.

But maybe now is the time to listen. Maybe now is the time to really start making some of the changes I’ve been talking about for the past 6 years. Things like living on less. Things like working in a low-paying job, but one I love. Things like living in a little box with not a lot of “stuff” around me. Things like walking, biking, and/or taking the bus where I need to go. Things like doing art – photography, painting, writing, etc – during more of my time. Things like building relationships with unexpected people. Things like becoming the radical Jesus follower I’ve always talked about wanting to be, but never made any sacrifices to become…

My friend C, in all his crazy and quirky ways, always inspires me to live passionately and deeply. To love life, and to soak it in for all it’s worth. His quote on his Facebook page says, “i never wanna sleep and always wanna wake up. such a messed up enjoyable world we get to be involved in. please don’t let it end.” I want to live that way – where I never want to sleep, and always want to wake up. Where I realize we live in a messed up world, but one that’s enjoyable. And even more, one we get to be involved in. What a gift! We get to rub shoulders with God’s creation on a daily basis. We have the ability to ingest God’s creation every day. And so often, I forget that… I forget there’s an entire world to be enjoyed – not dreaded.

May I move forward intentionally recognizing the world God has provided for me to ENJOY. May I be a person who never wants to sleep but always wants to wake up. May I be a person who moves towards living passionately and deeply. And may I continue to meet people like C who ignite a fire in me to live what I love.

battle

2010-05-21T03:56:00.001-05:00

It’s nearly 4:00am. I haven’t been able to fall asleep yet… Thought I’d take the opportunity to write a little, in hopes of maybe boring myself to sleep. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head right now, and thought I’d work through some of them on paper.

Everyone has parts of their personality they wish they could change. For the most part, I’ve been fairly content with my personality. Sure there are things I wish I did differently or ways in which I was wired differently. There are times when I get really frustrated with the fact that I’m not as good of a Jesus follower as I should be, or that I am very much introverted, or the fact that I get socially anxious… But for the most part, I’ve come to accept who I am.

But there is one thing that I’ve always battled with… And that’s my emotions. I’ve often heard that it is because I supposedly have the gift of mercy – which apparently is both a blessing and a curse. From what people tell me, people with the gift of mercy have an unbelievable sensitivity to those around them – especially those that are in need of love or are hurting. I don’t know that I have the gift of mercy… There are times that I feel like I’m terrible at being sensitive to those around me. Yet, I do recognize the fact that my heart breaks easily for those who are hurting. Yet, the unfortunate part is that those with the gift of mercy have an unbelievable sensitivity - period. Their hearts break easily - period. In all areas of life. This is the battle I struggle with constantly.

As a kid, I rarely showed emotion. My parents would often tell me stories about my demeanor as a child, and they told me that they often didn’t know what was going on in my head or my heart because I was VERY reserved with my emotions. I’m not sure why that was – maybe it’s because I had a brother who was my polar opposite – who was pretty vocal and communicative – that I didn’t want to compete. But whatever the case was, I rarely showed my emotions as a kid. Even at a young age, I struggled to verbalize what was going on in my life. My parents would often times know something was wrong, but have no idea what was going on with me. Two weeks later, a letter would show up on their bed or would be slid under their door. It would be a letter explaining why I had been upset and that I was better.

I remember getting to junior high and high school, and falling in love with journaling. That became my outlet, and I started expressing myself much more through writing – mostly journaling, but sometimes poetry as well. I still rarely verbalized how I was feeling, but at least I became more expressive.

In college, I tried to use art as a method of expression. It never quite did the trick for me as an outlet – nowhere near what writing provided for me. It wasn’t until I started working at Ridgewood, and I met my friend Brandon, that I started to learn how to become more vocal about what I was feeling and thinking. It was a painful and ugly experience, but my friendship with Brandon really helped break through some of those barriers I had in expressing (verbally) some of my emotions.

But I often like to say that breaking through those barriers also opened up the floodgates.

I would spend the next few years really struggling to work through all of the emotions I was experiencing. Ridgewood, Sonlife, the Mission, Veritas and various relationships all contributed to a whole new array of emotions for me. I had never struggled with anger before and was dealing with a brand new level of anger while at Ridgewood and the Mission. I had never experienced loss in such profound ways before those years. And I had never been as attached to or loved something as deeply as I had during those years. Those years were wonderful in that they allowed me to become passionate and to love deeply… but with that came an overwhelming mix of emotions – continuing my battle with how to deal with my emotions.

I found that I had a lot of sensitivities to things – some which were really good. There’s a huge part of me that is really thankful for the emotional side of my personality – it has allowed me to be a good listener in a lot of ways, and reach out to a lot of people I may not have reached out to without being wired the way I am. Unfortunately, these strong emotions – my strong propensity to “feel” – can also cause problems in a lot of ways. My heart gets attached INCREDIBLY easily. My passion makes me a fighter AND my easily frustrated and hurt heart makes me a retreater… It is one of my deepest desires to read and understand the emotions of others – but being more emotional than logical in that sense sometimes causes my gauge to be off, and I read things completely wrong.

Over the years, I’ve grown a lot in these areas… I’ve learned a lot about my emotions and how to handle them. But I’m far from being perfect. I still have quite a ways to go.

The hardest thing about my emotions is that it often separates me from others… It is rare for me to find someone who “feels” the same way, or as strongly, as I do. I have a good knack for becoming friends with the logical folks. Another hard thing to contend with is that those of us with really strong emotions are usually the ones who are considered “burdens” to others… Some of us are oblivious to the fact that we’re burdens. Others of us KNOW we’re burdens, and that makes it even more difficult. We worry. We analyze. We try to fix. We think too much. We draw things out. We worry some more. We sometimes get too self-focused. We aren’t always logical. We get attached. We can’t let go.

It’s a very lonely place to be – especially when you recognize it in yourself, and you know the affects it has on others. It’s lonely because no matter how much you try to explain it, people don’t get it. And it’s lonely because even YOU want to get away from yourself. It’s lonely because on the one hand, you don’t want to be a burden, and on the other hand, your deepest desire is to connect with someone and to be understood. And when you think you’ve found someone that understands, you tend to hold onto them for dear life.

I wish I knew how to tame it… I wish I knew how to tap into the good parts of it – being sensitive and empathetic to those around me – and how to turn off all the junk that comes with it. Unfortunately, that’s just not something I’ve mastered yet. It’s something I’m embarrassed about and wish it wasn’t on display for the whole world to watch as I fumble my way through it.

But it is what it is. I will have to learn how to deal with it, and how to deal with others frustrations with it. I will have to learn how to be ok with being this person who has a tremendous amount of emotions, and feels strongly about a number of things. I will have to learn what it means to be a person of great passion, especially when that passion can end up misdirected. I will have to find ways to better communicate how I’m feeling, and learn when to be reserved. I pray that I can learn to use the gifts God has given me through this, but allow him to work out my weaknesses.

And I pray that I have the grace to deal with myself in the process… because right now, I have none.

re-post: dirt

2010-05-16T22:09:00.004-05:00

I've been TERRIBLE about blogging over the past few years, and even more so recently. As much as I'd like to believe I'm still a writer, I've given up practicing, and am therefore pretty rusty. Tonight was pure proof of that, and I'm taking the easy way out yet again by posting an old blog entry. However, as I spent some time writing tonight, I kept coming back to an entry I wrote a couple of years ago on my old blog... A lot of what I found myself writing about tonight sort of fits with this post, so I thought I'd re-post it. Hopefully, I'll start "practicing" more, and will get some new stuff up over the next couple of months.

DIRT

"Every flower must grow through dirt."
-- Anonymous

I think flowers may just be one of God's most stellar creations. I mean, just think about them... brilliant in color and scent. Delicate, and yet fiercely beautiful. And such an intricate process in order to live and grow.

I know a lot about the intricacies of plants, and the process of keeping them alive. Rather, my experience has been the opposite. I'm TERRIBLE at keeping plants alive. My poor plant at work goes from dry, to wilty, to watered, to dry, to wilty, and continues this cycle on a weekly basis. I'm so neglectful.

However, I'm fascinated by plants and flowers... how they require so many elements working together in order to sustain them, and that they require a lot of work - especially under human care... Such delicate things, those flowers...

Recently in my life, I've had a few people point out what would seem to be, to them, errors in my life. Areas where I am broken, lacking, failing... While there can be some validity to these sorts of "light casting" sessions, I struggle a great deal in believing them to be errors, or something that's "wrong" with me...

I love the above quote. It is so encouraging to my heart and soul, and I think it allows me to wrap my hands around people's comments regarding my character and my life a little bit more easily.

There's no question that a flower needs dirt to grow. It needs all the nutrients the dirt has to offer. Is everything about the dirt beneficial? Probably not. And the dirt isn't necessarily good for much more other than growing things. However, the dirt is absolutely necessary for growth. How often do we neglect our "dirt" or try to cover it up? Sure, we put flowers in cute flower pots, and sure we try to make them look as "homey" as possible... but the fact still remains: there's dirt. It's there. Everyone knows it's there. Everyone can see it. So why do we try so hard to mask our dirt? And how often do we prematurely cut the flower, put it in a vase with only water, and expect it to continue growing in it's new, sans-nutrient environment? I know for me personally, I've gone the vase route too many times. I've been disgusted with the dirt, sick of the clay pot... and decided the vase would be the best place to plant myself. But soon, my water supply becomes depleted, and I suddenly have nothing to promote my growth.

We need the dirt. We need all of the hurt, the pain, the raw emotion, the irrational fears... all of those stretching moments when we learn that we are much smaller and more incapable than we realize. Those moments - as ugly and dirty as they may seem - are really the things that drive our growth; they help us move forward, learn, and change. Sure there is a time to be uprooted... but we need to learn to embrace the dirt, and not look for the quickest route out of the pot.

The cool thing about flowers? Dirt alone won't do the trick. Flowers also need water and sunlight to survive, breathing life into them. How great is that? Our growth is not all about dirt, and we don't have to deal with just dirt 24/7.

I love this idea... Embrace the dirt. Know there will be sunshine.

May I learn to live everyday comfortable in the dirt, beaming amidst the sunshine.

sock'em

2010-04-06T06:53:00.004-05:00

I found this card yesterday. I really have no one to give it to, but it made me laugh... out loud... while I was at the store. So I thought I'd at least share it on my blog...

Maybe I just have a thing for sock puppets...

thunderstorms

2010-04-04T17:26:00.002-05:00

Warm weather has descended upon us. Who knows how long it will actually last, but for right now, it's here. And with warmer weather comes one of my absolute favorite things: THUNDERSTORMS! I hope we get one soon...

I thought about writing why I love thunderstorms so much, but then remembered I had written one already on my old blog (Rain of Wonder). I went back, re-read it, and decided to re-post it. I wrote it about 2 years ago, and really, it just sums it up really well. Here goes...

* * * * * * * *

STORMS

It's 3:41am. I fell asleep at 7:30pm. Hence my being wide awake at 3:41am.

I'm laying in bed as I write this, sitting below an open window, listening to the thunderstorm as it is barking outside. I absolutely love thunderstorms. They make my heart so incredibly happy. I took the above picture last summer during a thunderstorm. It was my first attempt at a long exposure... Obviously, I did not have the hang of it. But the photo still turned out kind of fun. Anyway, with the little bit of coherency I have right now this early in the morning, I started thinking about why I love thunderstorms so much. I think part of the reason is because I have so many great memories attached to thunderstorms...

1. When I was a little kid, my best friend Leah and I tried to create our very own weather station. We were convinced we were going to predict the weather, and provide the neighborhood with information so they could prepare for storms. Granted, we knew nothing about meteorology, but we'd sit in our weather station (ironically, a tree) and let everyone (ok, our parents) know when a storm was coming (um, basically, the sky would be pitch black... anyone would know a storm was coming...). Leah and I both had phones in our basements, so whenever the sirens went off and we'd have to head down to the basement, she and I would call each other on the phone and talk about the great storm that was outside, and what we were hearing on the radio. I have such great memories of talking with her on the phone during storms.

2. Speaking of being in the basement... I love my mom dearly. She's a great mom, and always wanted us to be safe. But we had a lot of really crazy thunderstorms when I was little. Therefore, we would OFTEN go down to the basement during storms, despite some of our protesting (my brother and I, and sometimes my dad, would always want to sit on the front porch and watch). I have great memories though of sitting in the basement, in the dark (our power went out a bit) with a flashlight, listening to the siren and the radio, and waiting for the "all clear" to go back upstairs. I remember seeing my dad without his glasses - which seemed so unusual. I remember my mom being slightly worried that none of us were worried. And I remember both my brother and I being excited by the loud and bright fiasco happening right outside our windows.

3. I remember once, for some reason, there was a horrible storm outside and for some reasons, the sirens hadn't gone off. I think I was old enough that my brother was away at college, and I remember my dad and I stepping outside to watch the storm. It was incredibly dark outside for the middle of the day, with crazy amounts of wind. I remember being excited because the sirens HADN'T gone off, and we were able to convince my mom that since they hadn't gone off, we didn't need to go down the basement. I remember standing outside with my dad, looking up at the sky, and talking about how great it felt to be in the middle of it. We talked about the power of storms and what a tornado might feel like. These kinds of moments between my dad and I were kind of rare, and I cherished every one of them... This memory in particular sticks out to me because I felt like we were getting away with something... We were outside in the middle of a storm, when we probably should have been inside taking cover.

4. One of my greatest memories from Judson College is when my crazy roommate and I, along with our two friends Emily and Kristy from the 3rd floor of our dorm, would go out and play during the middle of thunderstorms. Now, I realize, this was not the safest thing in the world, as I have a friend who was struck by lightning, and just barely survived. However, we had SO much fun. We'd run all over campus: we'd run to all the dorms and see if we could find anyone else to join in our rain dance, and we'd run to all the computer labs - drenched - to find any of our friends who might join in... The parking lots had huge pot holes which created for amazing puddles to jump in. There was a spot, right in front of the chapel, where the ground was uneven, and created for a trench of sorts... We would run and slide across this on our backs or stomachs as nature's own slip-n-slide. Sure we'd get grass in places where the sun doesn't shine, but it was well worth it. I loved being out in the rain. Taking walks in the rain is probably one of my most favorite things to do... something I haven't really done since my days at Judson, and something I soon need to resurrect.

5. Another memory from Judson was a tape I received from my friend Colin. We'd gone quite a long period without having any good thunderstorms. Just a bunch of dreary rain. I was lamenting to my friend Colin about it, that I hadn't been able to fall asleep to the sound of rain pounding on the roof, or thunder rumbling in the distance. The next day, he hands me a tape. He'd created an entire tape with thunderstorm sounds on it so that in the absence of thunderstorms, I could listen and fall asleep to the tape and at least PRETEND that there was a thunderstorm outside. How great is that? My friend Colin was amazing... and to this day, I think it's one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received.

6. The last memory I'll share happened the night before my high school graduation. We had a horrible storm. While there weren't actually any tornados per se, there might as well have been. We had 80mph winds, and some pretty violent lightning. Once the storm had subsided, my brother and I somehow convinced my mom to let us go out in the car and survey the damage at like 4:00 in the morning. My brother and I hopped in the car, and found that there were more streets blocked than streets we could drive down. Trees were down everywhere. People were out in their yards, in the streets, surveying the damage. I can't ever remember a time being outside at 4am and seeing so many other people outside at 4am. We drove past a park where we grew up, and there were at least 30 trees split right in half, laying all over the park floor and the surround streets. While this storm created for some sadness in our hearts (our childhood park would never look the same as they had to cut down most of the trees, and there were a lot of people who suffered quite a bit of damage to their house) I remember feeling like my brother and I were on an adventure. We had to try to navigate around the city and find streets that were actually open. We talked about all the people we saw, all the crazy things we saw... It's one of my favorite memories with my brother, actually...

There are so many other memories I could write about... but seeing as how it is the middle of the night, and my brain isn't at full capacity, I thought I'd write about the memories that stuck out to me. I love thunderstorms, and am so grateful I woke up for a half an hour of bliss this evening.

Thanks for reading my fun memories of thunderstorms... my heart is happy right now.

* * * * * * * *

Oh, how I look forward to the summer of 2010 thunderstorms... I hope I get to experience some pretty amazing United States thunderstorms AND Africa thunderstorms!

walks

2010-03-08T22:02:00.001-06:00

One of my absolute favorite things to do is to go for walks… especially at night. Tonight was the first night I’ve taken a walk through my neighborhood since the fall, and it was oh-so-lovely. Every now and then, I will take a walk with my iPod plugged into my ears. As someone who absolutely loves music, I rather enjoy having the soundtrack with me. However, as I’ve gotten older, and as I’ve fallen more in love with creation, I’ve found that I take more walks WITHOUT my iPod. I love listening while I’m walking… Obviously during the fall is the best, when you can hear the leaves dancing along the street, dragging their legs and making a soft sweeping noise as they move about. But mostly, I love listening to the wind, even if there are no leaves to dance. There’s something so amazing about the wind, and I just love being out in it…

I have so many memories of fantastic walks… One of my favorite places to walk is on the pier on Lake Michigan. I had the honor of walking that pier this past Saturday with my friend Ms. Rigden, and it reminded me of all the great walks I’ve had on that pier and down by the lake. Another great place to walk is Doctor’s Park – such a beautiful walk down to the beach! I also love walking up Brewer’s Hill. While it isn’t the most fantastic as far as nature is concerned, it does have one of the most amazing views of Milwaukee – I love walking up there, sitting up there, and looking down over the city – especially right around sundown. BRILLIANT! And of course, there are places like Pike’s Peak – a place where you are surrounded by beautiful trees, and the sunshine peeks through the branches every few feet, reminding you of its warm existence.

But while I enjoy all of these places, and they all hold their own special beauty, I have yet to find a place to walk that I like more than the neighborhood where I grew up. I have so many fond memories of so many spots in my neighborhood. So many summer nights spent sitting on the street corner, thinking about life as an adult, and wondering what it would hold. Walks taken with my best friends from high school, sharing pieces of our lives as we dipped in and out of different subdivisions. I love thinking about the many trips to Super America I took with my best friend Leah as a little kid. All the activities that flurried about as we walked through our neighborhood – the smell of moms making dinner, the sound of dogs barking and kids laughing and neighbors setting off firecrackers… I love walking through the neighborhood, and remembering all the amazing conversations and moments I’ve had with people in my life.

Walks are just so great, aren’t they? I don’t know… Maybe I’m easily amused. I once told my friends that I’d be a cheap date – all you’d have to do is go on a great walk with me, and I’d be as happy as can be!

Walks provide an amazing time to converse, to think, to reflect, to pray, and to relish in the beauty of God’s creation. So fantastic.

So with warn weather just around the corner, I know there are more great walks to come… Walks through my neighborhood, walks through other neighborhoods, and walks through places yet to be discovered.

rock-afire

2010-02-25T20:37:00.001-06:00

I have to admit... This looks kinda creepy... but I REALLY want to see it.

anthony & raul

2010-02-21T21:58:00.002-06:00

I really want to tell you about two gentlemen I know – Anthony and Raul.

I did a Google search to figure out what title best suits them: Service men? Utility workers? My friend Mark even suggested handymen. I am not entirely sure what types of workers they are, or what their actual titles are/should be… All I know is that I love seeing both of them when I go to work!

Anthony is one of the main custodians where I work. I usually see him mopping the floor – during this season especially. Where I work, we have a white and black marble tile floor, and it gets pretty dirty pretty fast. Anthony spends a lot of his time mopping the same areas over and over. My co-worker Kate and I apologize profusely every time we have to walk across it, even though he assures us it’s ok.

But here’s what I love about Anthony…

He always goes beyond his role as a custodian. I remember one morning, I was walking into my building and he was coming down the hallway towards me. He turned to the elevators, and hit the “up” button for me so that the elevator was waiting when I got there. No prompting. No “hey, catch that elevator for me.” He just knew that’s where I was headed, and thought he’d help me out.

I can remember going for months, not knowing his name. We’d always greet each other in the morning with our typical “hellos” but that was about it. Until one morning, I finally said to him, “You know, I see you every morning, and I don’t even know you’re name.” Thus began our “friendship.” Now, I put the word friendship in quotes because it’s not really what I’d consider a friendship, but we definitely aren’t just causal friendly strangers anymore.

My goal as of late has been to get Anthony to smile. He’s usually a pretty serious fella – always friendly, but doesn’t often smile. However lately, we’ve been cracking jokes a bit more and he’s been a lot more light-hearted with my co-workers and me.

He does a job that most of us wouldn’t think of doing, and he does it well. He’s one of the nicest guys in our building, and I love him to pieces! He brightens my day when I see him.

Then there’s Raul…

Raul cracks me up! He is such a funny guy. He’s our building “fix-it” man. He’s been there at least as long as I have, and I always enjoy when there’s something on our floor that needs fixing. The funny thing about Raul is he really likes to talk about things very specific to a person. So, he gets to know one or two things about you, and then that’s ALL he’ll talk about with you. It’s fantastic, though!

For example, my co-workers Beth and Kate and I decided last June that we were going to canoe to work. June 26th is National Canoe Day (in Canada) but we decided that it would be fun to canoe down the Milwaukee River on our way to and from work. So, bright and early one morning, we put the canoe in at Becher & KK in Bay View, and canoed down the Milwaukee River until we arrived at ASQ. Because we work downtown, there aren’t really a whole lot of places to leave a canoe. Therefore, we docked where the Edelweiss docks, carried our canoe across Michigan Avenue, waited until a car scanned into the basement lot, and carried our canoe down to the basement. Raul saw all this go down, and thought it was fascinating that we canoed to work. Now, almost every time we see him, he makes some sort of comment about our canoe adventure, asking us where our paddles are and such.

But Raul is always looking for ways to make us smile and laugh, and he’s always such a delight to see when he comes to our building. He services a TON of buildings in the Milwaukee area, so we don’t get to see him that often, but when we do, it’s a total treat!

Over the past few weeks, he hasn’t been around. We started getting nervous that maybe he didn’t work for the company anymore, and were feeling really sad about his absence. But not more than a half an hour after the conversation I had with my co-workers, there was Raul with his ladder fixing all sorts of things.

I know it may sound silly, but these guys make my day and I’m so honored that they work in my building! Ever since I was little, I’ve loved the sort of “unnoticed” people – the people who do all the jobs most of us wouldn’t want, but make our workplaces such great places to be. When I was little, I had a total soft spot in my heart for the janitor at my school. I’d often make him cookies and I was able to build a fun friendship with him. He was such a sweet man, and cared so much about the students. To this day, I still have a lot of joy in my heart when I see him. He was such a fantastic janitor and friend!

So, if you think about it, try to learn a little bit about the custodians, or the “fix-it” guys where you work. They’re great people with really great stories! And they do more than you realize to make where you work a fantastic environment!

Next person I’d like to get to know: The awesome older guy who works the parking garage gate. He is this SUPER sweet man, and we always wave goodbye to each other at the end of the night. I don’t know his name yet though… Soon enough!

post

2010-01-29T13:17:00.003-06:00

A friend of mine posted this on her blog about a week ago... it spoke to my heart, in so many ways.

I want to share it with you.

Thanks Chrissy... for your obedience, your love for the Acholi people, and your honest seeking.

Do you hear?
Do you care?
Do you more than check in once in awhile?
Is your heart tugged?
Do you want to do more?
Are you satisfied?
Can you live like this?
Can you feel anything?
Where is your heart?
What would you die for?
What is it that charges you?
Who do you love?
Why do you love?
Who would you fight?
Who would you fight for?
Is it in your nature to show compassion?
Is it in your nature to be passionate?
Does your blood boil? Flow? Soothe?
Is your soul reflective of where your soles step?
Can you really wake up one more day living this life?
Can you really go to sleep knowing what lies ahead tomorrow?
Can anything provoke you to change?
Can anything provoke you to stay the same?
Do you want new or used?
Can you accept where you are at?
Can you move forward?
How does your heart beat?
Whose heartbeat is it?
Does it belong to you?
Where do you begin and end?
How do you begin and end?
This can’t be all of it, can it?

Questions come so easily when I know the answers to the questions I pose. I wonder if these questions race through minds. I wonder how they each are answered. Journeys are amazing…each day is a question with an answer that excites me more and more; only to go and find more to ask. I can never be the same again…never; from Monday to Tuesday; from last year to this year; from 8 years ago to 8 years from now. No. I know the answers only in snippets. Snippets. I get there by knowing the Voice that speaks so clearly to me.

The Holy Spirit is real.
He speaks.
He is the relationship builder.
He speaks differently to each of us - but He speaks.
Stop being layela (stubborn).
You know what you need to do. Do it.
You've been told.
You know you need to cross that Jordan.

You might think you will drown or get attacked by the crocodiles or maybe you have a different journey to take...but He has this for you....He has you. Trust Him. He wouldn't send you anywhere without anything nor anywhere He didn't want you to be.

Come on now. How much more playing around are you going to do before you do what you are supposed to be doing...who you are supposed to be being?

grace and peace

2010-01-24T19:02:00.003-06:00

I love music. No shock there. I am always talking about music, looking for new music, sharing playlists with people, going to concerts… Music holds a very big spot in my heart. But today, it tugged at my heart more than it has in a long time…

A couple of months ago, a friend of mine who currently lives in Sudan sent me a song to encourage me. It was the song “I Will Praise Him, Still” by Fernando Ortega. I was familiar with Fernando Ortega, but not that familiar with his music. I downloaded the song, and as I listened to it, I marveled at the fact that my friend – who is living in a culture completely foreign to most of us, in a land that is so completely torn by violence, pain, and evil – could identify with that song and herself say, “I will praise him still.”

That was the only song I downloaded by Fernando Ortega, and I only did so because it was a song suggested to me by my dear friend. I wasn't immediately drawn to his style, and so I didn’t look into any more of his music. However, this morning, much to my surprise, Fernando Ortega was in the church service I was attending, where he sang a song called “Grace and Peace.” There was something that happened close to where I was sitting that caused me to have a rabbit trail of thoughts… The first thought I had was incredibly selfish, a sort of “woe is me” type moment. However, where I eventually landed in my trail of thoughts, was thinking not only about Haiti, but also all of the other countries in which children are parentless and without family… Individuals who literally have no one in their life telling them they are valuable and loved.

Another situation going on right next to me added to my thinking... I was sitting two seats down from a woman who was holding a baby she nannies for. The baby was absolutely beautiful. Bright eyes. Soft skin. And doing that little “bobbing” thing that all little babies do. I watched as this woman – who was not even the baby’s mother – held this baby close to her chest while stroking the baby’s head. I enjoyed watching the two of them interact (as I absolutely love babies!) and didn’t think much about the fact that this baby not only has parents who love and care for her, but also this woman – someone who is not even blood – who is there to love and protect her.

But as Fernando Ortega played his song “Grace and Peace” I felt my eyes well up with tears. The interesting part was that it wasn’t even that emotional of a song. However, I started to think about my friend who had first introduced me to Fernando Ortega's music, and about all the people she has met and cares for. I thought about the fact that many of them do not know grace and peace – in fact, they may only know the very opposite. I also started thinking about all the babies who do not know the love of their parents, or anyone for that matter. I also thought about all the people in Haiti who must wonder if they will ever experience relief, if they’ll ever experience grace and peace.

I became greatly overwhelmed by these thoughts… But I think what became most overwhelming to me was the fact that while it’s great to have those moments of realization, those moments where I am sensitive to what is going on in the rest of the world, my life does not reflect a great passion or sensitivity towards it on a regular basis. I find that I’m so selfish in my thinking and doing. I am consumed with figuring out my own life, wondering how MY life will unfold, when there are plenty of people who are just trying to hang onto their life, wondering how long they will even have it.

I don’t want to be that way. I don’t want to be so focused on wondering what God has for me that I miss what he has for the rest of the world. I want my heart to beat for others. I want my heart to beat for restoration. I want my heart to yearn so much for what God is doing throughout the world. And through it all, I want to be like my friend and be able to say, “I will praise him still.”

I am not there, and don’t know how to get there just yet…

God, I pray you change the beat of my heart. I pray you guide my focus, my passion, and my desires. May they become molded to what you want them to be. I pray that you show me how to get there… Show me how to love like you do, to give when I don’t have the strength, and to follow you the best I am able.

ross

2010-01-16T09:49:00.001-06:00

After declaring my love for Bob Ross, a good friend of mine sent me this picture, and it made me laugh so hard, I almost wet my pants.

Ok, no, not really.

But I do love this picture, and it did indeed give me quite a chuckle.

For your viewing pleasure...

honest

2009-12-30T15:58:00.003-06:00

I was recently asked by a good friend to write an article on a specific topic. I was told the article would be anonymous, but that it needed to be real, raw, and personal. It needs to be honest and not cliché.

My friend’s challenge got me thinking about this sort of writing – “honest writing” if you will, and just how difficult it is. I thought a lot about the entries I’ve put up on my blog, and realized that most, if not all, are very much self-censored. The modernist in me crafts these blog entries that have neat and tidy endings, almost as if I’d placed a big red bow on them. Even if I don’t solve the questions I’m wrestling with, I still end my entries with some sort of triumphant, “But I’m on my way to figuring it out.”

I wonder what would happen if I wrote more honestly… But how does one do that? As I started to think about the idea of honest writing, I found that I had more questions than answers…

Questions about honest writing:

- What IS honest writing? How does one write what is truly in ones soul?

- Why is it so hard to write honestly? Are we scared of being seen as less than what we portray in our not-so-elaborate, in-person selves? Do we fear being held accountable to our words? Are we afraid of worrying our loved ones, or maybe even infuriating them?

- Is there every a point where a writer can be TOO honest? Does extremely honest writing create more discomfort than it creates comfort? Should an individual sensor oneself for the better of mankind, and maybe for their own good?

- Does honest writing serve a purpose for anyone but the writer? Or is it just therapy?

- When does “honest writing” become just a “vent session”?

- Are blogs really a good medium for honest writing? No one would question a novel, poem or play that’s been published, but a blog? Especially since employers are using our personal blogs as testimonials of us as individuals…

Your thoughts and ideas are welcome… I’m always anxious to hear what people think about matters such as these. The spectrum is quite large, but also extraordinarily fascinating.

So please, share.

I look forward to learning, and gaining new perspectives on “honest writing.”

goodbye, hello

2009-12-25T16:59:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas, one and all!

Over the past couple of days, I’ve noticed a lot of “lists” emerging, specifically on Facebook. A lot of people have been reflecting on the year 2009, and all that 2009 has brought – the good, the bad and the ugly. I’ll be perfectly honest. 2009 is a bit of a blur to me. Granted, there are things I remember about this past year, both good and bad, but for some reason, this past year just seems to have flown by, and I’m not entirely sure where 2009 went.

I spent time with my extended family last night, celebrating Christmas. The majority of my extended family had a really difficult year. Lots of illness, lots of death, and lots of heartache. The one phrase that stood out to me throughout the course of the evening was, “Goodbye 2009. Hello, 2010.” The majority of my family members are anxious to say goodbye to this past year, and to welcome in a new year – a fresh start. I thought a lot about 2009 last night, and the the coming of 2010.

Here are some of the thoughts I had…

Next year, I don’t want to feel this way. As I sat around my family, I thought about all the sadness they’d experienced throughout the year, and recognized that I had my own sadness I was mourning. There were some very difficult parts of 2009 that I don’t know that I’d care to relive. And yet, I realized something… I HATE that feeling. I hate the feeling of having gone through an entire year, and only feeling a sense of lament… Was 2009 really that bad, or is it just a matter of perspective?

I don’t want to look back on 2010, and wish that it had been different. I don’t want to look at it and see only the ugly and painful things that happened. At the end of 2010, I do not want those things to reign or to be the only things that I see. When I get to the end of 2010, and I’m celebrating Christmas and the New Year, I want to be able to say, “2010 was a blast! Let’s do it again!” I want to say, “Let 2011 bring as many joys as 2010!” I want to be able to look back on the year and say, “Wow – that was worth it!”

I don’t want you to think that I’m ungrateful for this past year. I've been reflecting more and more on the brilliant things 2009 brought. This past year has proven to be a great year of growth for me. I have also met some amazing people this past year that have literally changed my life. But I also recognize the fact that sometimes pain is needed - that through hard times and through pain comes growth.

I am in no way looking at 2010 and asking for it to be a breeze with no pain and no hurt… But what I AM asking for is a renewed perspective – a perspective that looks for the things to rejoice over. I want to look for ways to grow – not just realize, after the fact, that I’ve grown. I want to see people and situations in a new light… I want to love unconditionally. I want to better appreciate what I have, even when it feels ugly and uncomfortable. I want to become a dedicated, passionate person – one who lives it out, not just talks it out.

How, you say? Whew! Tough question… No idea what the answer is. But as I’ve mentioned before, I love questions. Here's what I'm thinking: I just need to start doing it. I need to start doing all the things I want to learn and be… Sometimes, I will fall flat on my face in failure. That’s inevitable. And I’m sure it’ll be a painful process, as I hate failure. But at the same time, if I don’t “do” until I “learn” – I’m not sure I’ll ever get to the “doing.” So the way I look at it, I just need to start DOING these things. I need to start moving. 2010 is going to be about motion for me.

So, goodbye, 2009… and hello, 2010. May you prove be a devastatingly brilliant year… One of constant motion, ridiculous love, abundant rejoicing, and substantial growth.

questions

2009-11-24T20:46:00.004-06:00

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answers.”

- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

I love questions.

Often times, when I meet someone new or I am trying to get to know someone better I ask them a lot of questions. These questions can be slightly silly, such as “What is your favorite childhood memory? If you could have some sort of super power, what would you want and why? Or if you had to get rid of one color in the spectrum, what color would it be?” But my favorite questions are those that get to the heart of a person: “What is one thing you can't live without? What is your biggest hope? What is your biggest fear? What is one thing you deeply desire to accomplish before you leave this world?” It takes time before I can ask those last few questions, as a certain level of trust is required. But man, I do love to ask questions and learning through those questions!

However, I’ve learned something with regards to my love for questions – I tend to favor only the questions that have answers.

I definitely have a double-standard when it comes to questions. I seem to only love questions when they have clear-cut answers, and not the ones that are like a vast, dark, chasm - where you fall deep into its belly, never to see the light of day again!

Ok, I admit. That was a bit dramatic.

But honestly, don’t some of the “unanswerable questions” feel that way – that you’ve fallen into some dark pit, never again to find your way out? Sometimes I feel like my life is filled with such chasms…

I love the quote above. It was given to me by a co-worker about 9 months ago. During that time, I was doing a lot of searching, as if my life was one big question mark. I was in the middle of trying to determine my career path, my place of worship, friendships to pursue and friendships to end, and wondering if I’d ever be given the privilege of being a wife and mom. I found myself with a lot of questions… And I found that I HATED not having any of the answers.

I have always struggled to digest the seemingly unanswerable questions.

A few years ago, a friend of mine challenged me on something. We had been talking about the ways in which I work through situations in my life, and all the emotions that go along with those situations. All throughout high school and college, I journaled just about every day. Writing was my therapy, and I found that so often, I felt tremendously better after journaling. However, this friend challenged me to think that maybe it was only a temporary fix, that maybe it was really hurting more than healing. See, as someone who has worked as an administrative assistant for most of my life, I have gotten really good at organizing… at compartmentalizing. Everything has its place and is in order. That is exactly how I tend to treat my own life – as something that can be organized and compartmentalized. Journaling was my vehicle to do just that. If I could get those thoughts outside of myself, then I could sort them out on paper, analyze them, solve them, and be completely separated from them. However, this friend challenged me to “sit” in those situations, in those emotions. She wanted me to sit in the emotion of sadness, or anger, or joy, or frustration – to experience those things, and not put them on paper where I could separate myself from them. She told me that by separating myself, I wouldn’t fully work through it, and I wouldn’t get to experience the growth that comes from working through it. There is a transforming power when we “sit” in those moments for a bit. She wasn’t suggesting I dwell on those things, but she was suggesting that I refrain from seeking an immediate solution… We humans are so much about immediate gratification, aren’t we? Plus, she noted that if I chose to sit there, it would provide the opportunity for the person who is actually doing the transformative work, to "do His thing." That by allowing myself to “sit” in those moments, I’m actually saying, “Ok God, I don’t know how to fix this. I’m going to sit in it. You’ve got to be the one to do something with it.”

I took her challenge. I went for almost an entire year without journaling. I would blog every so often, but that wasn't as raw as journaling. To this day, I still struggle to journal. I will journal on occasion, but it isn’t as natural as it once was. It almost feels foreign to me. But I do think there have been some great benefits to my journal vacation.

The concept was such an interesting one that I can’t help but come back to it, now that I find myself yet again in a period of questioning. Right now, in my life, I have a ridiculous amount of questions. And along with those questions, I have very few answers. My first instinct? Answer the questions – answer them, and move on. But I wonder if both my friend and Rilke are right in their ideas – to sit with the questions. What would it look like for me to sit with the questions? What would like look like for me to live in those questions until some day, I stumble into the answers? What would it mean if I lived each day knowing I might not EVER get the answers – or at least not the answers I expect, or even want for that matter? Would I be ok with that?

What if the questions are even more important than the answers?

I often wonder about the molding power of questions – especially those that are unanswered. When I think about unanswered questions – I can’t help but feel like all I can do is trust… Trust that somehow, in someway, God is going to work it out, that He’s got it under control, and that He knows what’s best.

Maybe that’s the point of questions… If I HAD answers to my questions, I wouldn’t trust – I wouldn’t need to. If I knew how everything was going to work out, I would have absolutely no need for faith and trust.

But it’s so uncomfortable, right? Sitting in un-answered questions… So uncomfortable.

At least I’ve found others who are questioning right along with me – there’s some comfort in the fact that everyone out there has just as many questions as I do.

Ok, maybe not as many… I do have a LOT of questions.

But as I continue to journey, and as I continue to question, I can only pray that I learn how to better embrace the questions – that I learn to love them, to sit in them, and to relish in the fact that they are molding me and shaping, building my hope, faith and trust into something they wouldn’t have been without the questions.

May I learn to be patient towards all that is unresolved in my heart, and to love the questions themselves, and may I learn to fully trust and hope in the One who has all the answers.

(photo courtesy of svilen001 at www.sxc.hu)

swell

2009-11-16T22:48:00.002-06:00

I had every intention of sitting down to blog tonight, but I opened iTunes, and started listening to "Feel the Pull" by the Swell Season, and was instantly distracted.

Can I tell you how much I love Glen Hasard and Marketa Irglova of The Swell Season? I recently came across this song, and absolutely fell in love with it. I decided to see what videos there were on YouTube, and found the one posted above.

Here are things I love about this video:

1. I love that he's still playing on the ratty guitar he played in the movie "Once." So great. I love that it's all beat up - it's such a "loved" guitar.

2. Glen's beard. I heart beards. Enough said.

3. His explanation of the song... I love the moon, and know what kind of summer nights he's referring to. Those are my favorite kinds of nights, illuminated by the moon, where you feel the itch to go out for a drive, windows rolled down, and hands gliding through the wind outside...

4. I love the way Glen looks at Marketa... He looks at her so lovingly and so tenderly. I can only pray that some day I get to experience one of those "looks."

Ok, enjoy "Feel the Pull" by The Swell Season. It's lovely.

piano

2009-10-19T22:10:00.005-05:00

Oh how I miss playing the piano.

Even though we got rid of our ugly yet ever-so-loved upright piano when I started college, I still, in almost every area of my life, had access to a piano. When I attended Judson, I'd often spend hours in the practice rooms playing my heart out. I cherished the moments at Ridgewood when I could sneak away during the workday, and spend some time in a dark sanctuary playing any song I could think of, and some that I played only once out of my imagination. Even when I worked at the Mission, there were times I could go down to the chapel and play...

But, where I live now, I have no piano. I do not have a job that has access to a piano. Alverno might have pianos SOMEWHERE, but I have no idea how to access them. I am not currently plugged into a church that provides me access to a piano.

It's been almost a year since I've even touched a piano. Craziness.

I attend a small group on Monday nights, and the house we meet in has a baby grand piano. I really struggle with envy because I would give anything to own a piano... I see this big, beautiful instrument every Monday night, and so desperately wish I had the room all to myself to play for hours...

And yet, I can't help but rip apart that "envy" and see how I don't deserve a piano. I think of all the things I have that I leave by the wayside. I got a guitar for my 21st birthday that I can barely play and rarely touch. I have a djembe that's not even in my possession right now... I felt so guilty for not playing it anymore when it could be used by someone else, that I gave it to my good friend Will for his youth group's worship band. I have a keyboard that sits in the basement collecting dust (and just for the record - a keyboard is no where NEAR the same as playing a piano... it does not suffice). Three different instruments that I do NOTHING with.

I recently emailed a friend of mine, asking her if she'd be willing to teach me how to play the violin. I've always wanted to learn the violin, and never knew anyone who played. So when I met her, my heart was filled with joy - maybe this was my opportunity to learn how to play violin! And yet, I thought about the fact that a) I don't have a violin as of right now, and b) if I got another instrument, it would just end up in the neglected pile like the rest of my instruments.

Piano playing though - not guitar playing, nor djembe playing, nor keyboard playing - was such a key component to my time spent with God. My times playing were some of the sweetest, most dear moments of my time spent with him. One of the things I loved is I'd play whatever my heart lead me to play... Later, when I'd try to "replay" it, I couldn't... It was almost as if the song had been created for that one moment between God and I - a moment that could not be duplicated or repeated, but would forever remain ours...

I miss those moments... and while I really do need to work through my envy and deep desire for the possession of a piano, I also need to spend time finding new ways to enjoy God, and to find those moments that cannot be duplicated... I need to see and experience God in a new way - I'm just not quite sure what that is yet.

(picture taken by gzed on www.sxc.hu)

joy - part whatever

2009-10-18T16:55:00.004-05:00

I have found that there are moments in my life where it becomes far too easy for me to become overwhelmed by all that I am learning about and being challenged with… I often see these as “dark” moments, or unconquerable hurdles, when in reality, they’re just life lessons. The past couple of months could be described as challenging both spiritually and emotionally… Nothing catastrophic, and in light of all that is going on in the world, what I have been staring down could even be categorized as insignificant. None the less, I have had a lot of things going on in my head and heart – all of which I know are going to stretch me, and help me grow to become more of the person I’m meant to be. But, as I mentioned earlier, it is extremely easy for me to become overwhelmed by all of these things, and even take on the “woe is me” type attitude. It is not my desire to be in that place… It is not my desire to be obsessed and worrisome about situations I have no control over, and situations that will ultimately mold me. However, as someone who struggles with anxiety, I often have to make the conscious choice to focus my head and heart on other things…

And so, I am doing just that today…

There are those of you who followed my Rain of Wonder blog who know that every so often I posted a “joys” list. While I realize that those items and the items I list here today are not the source of real joy, they are indeed things that bring joy to my heart. Therefore, I’ve decided that today, in all of its sunshiny brilliancy, should be a “joys” day.

So, I present to you my “joys” list…

Joy – Part Whatever

1. Seeing childrens books come alive (hooray for Where The Wild Things Are)
2. Friends who send me encouraging verses from the bible
3. Little kids who push leaves down the sidewalk with shovels bigger than they are
4. Spontaneous singing session at work
5. Long drives down back roads with good tunes filling my ears
6. Adults who read children’s books to their adult friends (Ms. Wilhelms!)
7. My grammie… She was a spunky little lady, and I will miss her dearly.
8. Stellar home movies made by the O’Boyle sisters
9. Receiving music suggestions (can’t get enough of Wake Up by Arcade Fire)
10. Night walks while listening to the leaves whirl about which leads to…
11. Playing in leaves!
12. Talking about creative endeavors with creative people
13. Friends who make me laugh so hard I cry (Sara C and William!)
14. Telephone Pictionary (or whatever it’s called) – great game!
15. Pictures my friends post of their lives in Sudan and Uganda
16. Coming home to a huge stack of “slightly defected” childrens books!
17. Starting a new journal
18. Hearing people tell stories going on around them and in their lives
19. Random “dance parties”
20. Coloring in fantastically designed coloring books
21. Crazy imaginations
22. Red Onitsuka Tigers… and the adventures they induce
23. People who are passionate… and who inspire me
24. The Joneses – for all their creativity and “praise God” moments
25. Creating “life goals” and seeing them come to fruition

These are just a few of the things I’ve experienced over the past few weeks that have brought absolute joy to my heart… Things that even in my darkest moments - where I feel as though there’s nothing worth celebrating - make my heart joyous.

The list could go on and on… As I mentioned, I’ve created numerous lists like this… And speaking of lists, writing #25 has encouraged me to revisit the “life goals” I’ve created over the years, and redraft a new list… Some of them have already happened, some of them I find somewhat ridiculous now, and some of them will be transferred over to my new list. So be on the lookout for that…

But for now, I just wanted to share with you the things that bring me joy.

May I be a person that even in what appears to be a dark hour, claims the joyous and celebratory moments in life.

the day my tigers left me

2009-10-13T19:22:00.003-05:00

I have a friend who likes photography, and needed a slight nudge in the area of creative ventures. Therefore, I issued her a Photo Challenge. A couple years back, a friend of mine introduced me to a thing called “A Story in 5 Frames” where an individual posts 5 photos that together, tell a story. I deemed this the perfect project for my friend, and sent her the following email:

Here’s your project, should you choose to accept it…

PHOTO PROJECT – A Story in 5 Frames

Today, you are asked to celebrate stories and the art of storytelling…

Your challenge: Take a handful of photos, and select 5 photos; create a story that connects these 5 photos

Your result: A story as told in 5 frames!

You may take as many photos as you like, but in the end, you can only choose 5. The story can be about whatever you’d like, but a story must accompany the 5 photos. Think like a kid. Be silly. Take photos of things that seem boring and uninteresting… and make them come alive!

Ideas to help jump start your creativity:

- Take a picture of a bug walking on the ground, and where he might be headed
- Take a picture of a leaf on the ground, and the home from which it fell
- Take a picture of an old barn, and an old cow… you fill in the rest
- Take a picture of a banged up car fender, and a random person who POSSIBLY drove the car…
- Take a picture of a wrinkled shirt, and the angry iron who’s on strike
- Take a picture of your shoes, and the places where they might want to walk today

My friend took the challenge, and produced some beautifully composed pictures of trees and leaves, and a story that explained the significance of the location where she took the photos… I was so proud of her for taking the challenge, and for doing something “on command.” In response, I offered that I too would also “take the challenge.”

And so, I did just that on my lunch hour today. A few photos ended up blurry in my hurry to take the photos, but you get the idea.

I decided to use one of the ideas I offered up to my friend: Take a picture of my shoes.

About a week ago, I got a new pair of Asics Onitsuka Tigers. Bright red. Brilliant, and beautiful. I’ve always wanted red shoes, and now I have them. I decided my shoes must be a part of my Story in 5 Frames.

And I so, I present to you…

The Day My Tigers Left Me
By Tory J. Dolan

NOTE: Playing “Eye of the Tiger” enhances this story. Just sayin’.

On a crisp and brilliant fall afternoon, my Onitsuka Tigers in all their red fiery passion, grew tired of the muted sand colored cubical in which they dwelt, and decided to venture into the city. Being foreigners in the US, these Japanese-born shoes realized there was an entirely new world yet to be discovered. However, looking out over the city, the Tigers longed for their home in Japan, and decided to search for “a little piece of home” among the Milwaukee natives…

And so, my Tigers left me.

They left the safety of their Michigan and Plankinton home, and ventured into the big bad Third Ward. Taking the scenic route along the River Walk, the Tigers realized it was nearing the lunch hour. Across the street stood the Public Market, beckoning the Tigers to explore the fine cuisine within its belly… To the Tigers' great delight, there was a sushi stand at the end of the Public Market maze. A little piece of home…

Continuing on their journey to find more of home in Milwaukee, the Tigers found themselves outside of a shoe store titled, Shoo. How unimaginative, they thought. But in that same moment, excitement filled their soles. More shoes, they thought? Perhaps we will find other Japanese homies within the shoe store? However, in the window towered a posse of socks… The presence of the sock gang in the window quickly became intimidating to them, and they realized that despite carrying the name “Tigers” and being the ferocious color of red, they were scared… Scared and slightly embarrassed, they backed down and continued on their way, leaving their potential mates behind.

Buddah? Is that a Buddha ahead, they wondered? Indeed! ARTASIA! The Tigers found their way to a brilliant store filled with treasures from the far East. Surely a store name with “Asia” in it MUST contain things that would feel like home. However, as they approached the Buddha, it appeared as if he expected something… With his hand in the air, the Tigers wondered what he wanted… Should they wave in return? Or maybe he was telling them to stop before entering. .. Saddened and confused by Buddha’s unexplained directives, the Tigers still were not feeling quite at home…

And then… Out of the darkness… Hope emerged.

HOT POP!

There, just down the street from ArtAsia, was the most brilliant of all stores – Hot Pop – a store filled with fantastic design and Japanese pop art plastered from floor to ceiling. In the window was a lovely pair of lime green roller skates – LIME GREEN ROLLER SKATES! All of the magical colors, clothes and artwork… so many wonderful things to behold!

It was then and there, at the ever-so-lovely Hot Pop that the Tigers knew… they’d found their piece of home.

This story is oh-so-silly, I know… But loads of fun! I can’t tell you how much fun I had dragging one of my co-workers with me while we took photos of my crazy red shoes around the Third Ward. Sometimes, we need to take moments to deeply enjoy life: to slow down, to be silly, to seek child-like activities, and to find ways of embracing the stories around us.

May I learn to slow down regularly, laugh often, and tell more stories!

write

2009-10-03T16:18:00.004-05:00

What to write, what to write… I swear, I’ve started maybe 5 or 6 entries over the past week. So many things to think about… but I'm having trouble running with any one idea in particular…

Here are the things I've been thinking about/writing about:

The Jonses: My good friends were laid off of work, have 4 children (2 with autism), and are about to have their house repossessed. Yet, they’re still praising God… Ah-mazing.

Christine: A friend of mine leaves for Uganda in a few days to work with Invisible Children. She’s such an amazing woman… one I admire greatly. I’m anxious to hear of all her Africa adventures, and plan to live vicariously through her stories over the next year, until HOPEFULLY I can go visit her.

Suffering: I had a crazy good conversation with a dear friend of mine earlier this week about suffering. He challenged me hardcore on a couple of things… Still working those challenges out in my head. A lovely, lighthearted conversation indeed... (note sarcasm)

Civil Disobedience: Lots and lots of thoughts on the idea of civil disobedience lately, only further prompted by a movie I watched this morning. Another light topic, hey?

Poverty: Continuing on the "light" trail - I've been learning about and am trying to understand what poverty really is, especially its effect on education and educational systems, and hopefully will soon pick up the book "A Framework for Understanding Poverty" by Ruby Payne. Lots of perspective shifts going on in that book. Awesomeness.

Adopting Kids: Thoughts about foster homes and adoption, and what life would be like as a single mom… My brain can't seem to shut off on this topic...

All of these topics I’ve started and have yet to finish because I can’t seem to make any coherent entries out of them… They’re so stream of consciousness right now. Recently, I asked a couple of friends to give me a topic to write about - hoping maybe it would spark some sort of inspiration. They told me “love.” Talk about a broad topic! I decided not to tackle that one right now…

But for the very few of you who still check my blog periodically (sorry I’ve been so lazy and sporadic in my writing), what topic would you most want to hear about? Maybe if I had a prompting of sorts, I’d be more inclined to finish…

Otherwise, check back in a day or two… I hope to have one of the above ideas finished soon.

For those of you who still check this blog, I love you lots… You rock. Thanks for stickin’ with me, and being interested in my crazy journeys.

Much love to you.

kids & art

2009-05-16T01:05:00.003-05:00

Over the past few months, my thought life has been consumed by curiosities and wondering as to what my future will hold. While there still is a plethora of questions dancing around my head, I have come to one conclusion: Whatever I end up doing, it must incorporate two things: kids and art.

The above picture was taken at the Elegant Farmer. A few months after I started working at the Milwaukee Rescue Mission, I had the pleasure of serving as a leader for the school's field trip to the pumpkin farm. I was a lucky girl in that I got to hang out with the K5 class all day, and was specifically matched with 3 of the most amazing little girls: Diamond, Azaria and Yanceiyah. I'd only been there for a few months, but in such a short time, I found myself loving these little kids so much... So much that I knew I could dedicate my life to helping them realize their potential, encouraging them to follow their dreams, and being a cheerleader in their lives.

Unfortunately, my life took a different path, and I ended up leaving the Mission despite my love for the kids I came to know. Not a day goes by though, that I don't think about those kids. I have a handful of pictures of them posted in my cubical at work, and am often asked about them. I'm able to proudly tell stories about them, and remember the life-changing moments I had with them... They really did change my life.

In addition to kids, art has always been a HUGE part of my life. As a child, I was always doing stuff: doodling on anything and everything, drawing with chalk, painting, making sculptures out of Playdoh, and more... As a high school student, I took as many art/drawing classes that I could, and I even started out as an art student in college. At some point, in my early 20's, I became really hard on myself and self-conscious about my artwork, and even had a few people crush my dreams about art being a part of my life. I decided to walk away. And yet, that desire to create has always been nagging me at the back of my mind.

So, I've come to a conclusion... My life MUST include kids and art. What that looks like, I don't know just yet. I've considered art therapy, art education, elementary education, and child psychology... I still don't know what path to take... But having this sort of clarity - to know what I'm most passionate about - is such a rad feeling!

Over the next few months, I hope to find opportunities where I can explore this passion, finding practical ways to figure out what path I should take. I hope to take art classes. I hope to work with kids. I hope to learn Spanish, giving me the ability to connect with even MORE kids in Milwaukee. I hope to find more people with the same passions as mine...

I can't wait to see what's ahead...

explorer

2009-02-14T16:42:00.005-06:00

I’ve recently decided something – I need help. The last year of my life has been filled with very little creative. I realize “creative” is an adjective – describing a state of being, a project, an idea, etc. But my life has been lacking in all those areas – in all things creative. And I’ve realized recently, that unless I get some sort of help, this pattern, this non-creative way of living, will continue to be pattern. Nothing will change unless I actually DO something to make it happen… and in order to do so, I need help.

I’m listening to El Ten Eleven right now. They’re helping.

But more importantly, I was out and about this morning, and came across this book – “How To Be An Explorer Of The World” by Keri Smith. Awhile ago, I came across another book of hers – “Wreck This Journal.” I thought it was ingenious – it’s all about creative destruction (within the journal, of course). However, the book I came across today struck a different chord with me.

The beginning starts out with this list:

How To Be An Explorer Of The World

1. Always be looking. (Notice the ground beneath your feet.)
2. Consider everything alive and animate.
3. Everything is interesting. Look closer.
4. Alter your course often.
5. Observe for long durations (and short ones).
6. Notice the stories going on around you.
7. Notice patterns. Make connections.
8. Document your findings (field notes) in a variety of ways.
9. Incorporate indeterminancy.
10. Observe moment.
11. Create a personal dialogue with your environment. Talk to it.
12. Trace things back to their origins.
13. Use all of the senses in your investigations.

I realized something today as I was flipping through the first few pages of the book, and thinking about how I wander through life. I work as an administrative assistant – my job is noticing and remembering the details. I spend my day making sure I’ve caught every email, listened to every voicemail, caught every spelling error, arranged every meeting, and so on and so forth. 40 hours of my week revolves around DETAILS.

However, as I read this book, I started to realize that life – everything beautiful, wonderful, lovely, CREATIVE about life – is in the details. This book, in a round about way, says to slow down, take it all in – smell it, taste it, touch it, hear it, see it – and notice the things you otherwise would not.

The interesting thing about this book is it feels very elementary. It asks you to do things you did as a kid. Collect things you find on the ground. Spend time looking at them. Analyze them. Write stories about them. Play with them. All of these things I spent hours doing as a kid. But somehow, as I grow older, these types of activities seem like nonsense, and have become almost invaluable.

I love the quote on the back of the book:

“WARNING: To whoever has just picked up this book. If you find that you are unable to use your imagination, you should put this book back immediately. It is not for you. In this book you will be repeatedly asked to… suspend your disbelief, complete tasks that make you feel a bit strange, look at the world in ways that make you think differently, conduct experiments on a regular basis, and see inanimate objects as alive.”

The phrase that sticks out to me is – suspend your disbelief. I spend so much of my time disbelieving – that the world can change, that I can change, that I can do something I love AND get paid for it, that I can find the love of my life, that I can create something worthwhile…

And yet this book, this guidebook to discovering the world, asks me to suspend all disbelief. That is a HUGE request, one I’m not sure I can conquer... at least, not right away.

However, I’ve decided, that if I’m going to be creative – which I believe to be IMMENSELY valuable – that I will need a little bit of help, and I’m hoping, this book can provide me with the stepping stones I need to become more creative… and again, be filled with belief.

So I begin this journey… an exploration.

I'm interested to see where it takes me.

pull me

2009-02-02T21:13:00.002-06:00

Pull Me

My voice isn’t strong enough
To call your name
My eyes aren’t clear enough
To see your face
My hands are far too numb
To feel your touch
And my heart is so hollow
That you’ve become lost

They say jump
And I ask how high
They say run
And I ask how far
They say smile
And I ask how long
They continue to ask
And I continue to fall.

You say come
And I continue to leave
You say trust
And I continue to doubt
You say leap
And I continue to stand strong
You say “I love you.”
And I continue to hear nothing.

Come as I am?
How could that be?
Know who you are?
How could THAT be?
I can’t see you,
Can’t touch you,
Can’t hear you,
Can't feel you...

Yet you want me...

You want me to come
With reckless abandon
But I don’t know how
Or if I'll ever make it...

So pull me…
With everything in you.
With all of your might…
If I really am worth it...
Then pull me.

It's been a long time since I've written this way... and tonight, I just sat down and wrote whatever came to me... I've never been good at writing poetry. I never learned meter, and rhyming has always felt so strange and forced to me. What it is that I do write, I'm not really sure even has a category... They're more just thoughts strung along together in some random fashion...

converse in winter

2009-01-13T17:12:00.001-06:00

I love shoes. But, I’m not your typical shoe lover. Most women who claim to love shoes collect all sorts of fancy shoes – sexy stilleto heels, shiny patent leather flats, cute summery wedges… Not me though. I love sneakers, kicks, tennis shoes… whatever you’d like to refer to them as. Especially of the low-top Chuck Taylor persuasion. I also absolutely adore flip-flops. I could live in a pair of converse or flip-flops year round, as I absolutely love them. While my converse collection is pretty pathetic (I only have 4 pair), I do rather enjoy them, and always have my eyes open for new colors and styles.

I hate winter. But most of you who live in Wisconsin know why. Too much snow. Sub-zero temperatures. I find nothing fun in those two facts. I’ve lived here for 28 years – why, I’m not entirely sure. But I do know one thing – I hate winter and everything that comes with it. Ok, well, snow ball fights can be fun… I guess that’s one benefit.

However, as I was driving in my car today, with temperatures slowly sinking closer and closer to zero, I realized something – my love for shoes, and my hatred of winter most definitely do not mix.

Obviously, flip-flops in the wintertime isn’t even a consideration – though I did go to school with a guy who ran around all winter completely barefoot. But wearing converse in the winter isn’t completely out of the question – I mean, they are closed toed shoes. They should be good, right?

I remember once when I was in high school, I went sledding not wearing boots, but wearing converse instead. I guess I must not have believed in boots. Until this past winter, I haven’t owned boots since I was a little kid (minus the Dr. Martin phase I had in high school). I went sledding wearing nothing on my feet but a pair of socks and a pair of converse shoes. I remember at the end of my sledding excursion, I couldn’t feel my feet. Literally. I’d wiggle my toes, massage them, and all I could feel was a little bit of pressure, but barely anything else. They were bright red, almost purple. I was so uncomfortable for a couple of hours, and they hurt the worst when they started warming up. And yet, I know for a fact, I didn’t learn my lesson that day. I’m pretty sure I sported the converse sledding attire at other points throughout my teenage and early adulthood years.

Today, I found myself doing the same thing. No, I did not go sledding… But I wore my converse shoes out in 6 degree weather, and while driving in my car – toes near frozen - I came to the realization that trying to force my love for converse and hate for the severe cold is NOT a good idea.

Now, in classic “Tory” fashion, I started thinking more about this idea – the fact that I insist on wearing paper thin shoes out in ungodly temperatures. It made me start to think about how often I force something because of my deep love for it, even if clearly it is not good for me.

Who I spend time with, how I spend my time, where I work, where I go to church – these are all things that I can either love like converse, or hate like winter. If they’re more like winter, I pull a bear-like move, and hibernate – basically, I do my best to hide away from the things I cannot stand.

However, with the things I love, so often, I try to wear the converse when the weather man says to put on your fattest boots and Alaskan parka.

Take relationships… There have been plenty of times where I’ve been in unhealthy friendships, and yet, because of my love for that person – because of the comfort they bring, the attention they give me, or whatever reason they possess that allows me to love them so much, I continue to keep them close. I wear the converse in winter.

Working at the Rescue Mission is another prime example… I loved it there. Those kids were my life. However, I wore converse there for quite some time. I got to a point where I knew my feet would freeze, and I could potentially lose a toe or two if I stayed. It was such an unhealthy environment, and it was not only causing problems for me and my heart, but I’m sure it caused other people pain. There came a time, where, despite my love for the Mission – I needed to give it up. I needed to do what was good for me, and for the Mission. I needed to put away the converse, and put on the boots and parka.

I have a few pair of converse in my life right now during a time of winter. There are a few things that may require me to let go, and put on the boots and parka. There are things where I need to consider my health, my spirituality, and my sanity – rather than my deep love for laced canvas with rubber toes.

The converse are hard to leave behind… But in all honesty, can I truly enjoy wearing them if I’m miserable? If my toes are frozen, a color that resembles bruised flesh rather than a normal rosey peach, what is the point in forcing it? Sure the converse are comfy and look cute, but what purpose are they serving? What good comes of it?

There comes a point in time where wearing converse is well worth suffering for. But there are times where it’s time to put them away, and wear what provides me safety from the dreadful winter looming outside.

toms

2008-11-02T14:52:00.004-06:00

I am so stoked.

I am now the proud owner of the shoes shown above.

I just ordered my first pair of Toms Shoes. WOOT!

Last Christmas, my friend Emily (who might I say, is one of the coolest girls I know) sent me a gift certificate for Toms Shoes. I wasn't really familiar with the organizations, but after I read about the organization - that for every pair of shoe purchased, a pair is donated to someone else - I was so unbelievably excited for this gift my friend had given me.

I debated for quite a few weeks, which pair I wanted... I had NO idea which pair to buy. I ended up taking so long, that I eventually forgot about it... Recently, Toms Shoes has come up quite a bit in conversation, and I remembered that I still had a gift certificate. I wondered if it was still good, and indeed, it was.

So, I bought the shoes you see above, displaying one of my absolute favorite quotes.

"You must be the change you want to see in the world." - Gandhi

I'm pretty stoked about the shoes, and think I might even buy another pair (maybe brown, so that I will can wear Toms Shoes to work every day).

Well, that's it for today kiddies... Just thought I'd share my excitement over my new shoes, and the value behind my new shoes. Much thanks to Emily and her creativity in getting me the certificate!

If you're interested in learning more about this organization, please check out:
www.tomsshoes.com

9:42 and thereafter

2008-10-25T17:56:00.005-05:00

I woke up at 9:42am. The last train of the morning/early afternoon left at 8:49am. The next train… not until after 6:00pm. It looked like my trip to Chicago would have to wait.

As I drove to work yesterday, I knew in my heart… I need to leave. This happens to me every so often on my way to work in the mornings. It takes everything in me to get off 43, take the Lakefront exit, and actually finish my route to work. There are mornings where the music is too good, the scenery too enticing, and my soul is beckoning to for me to continue driving, letting the V-machine take me where it damn well pleases.

I don’t typically curse in my blogs. Today feels like a cursing day.

As I mentioned, while driving to work yesterday, I knew I needed to leave - that I needed to get away at least for a little while. I find it interesting that nothing of huge consequence happened this week. My car did not break down. Our house didn’t get robbed. I didn’t lose a loved one. I didn’t lose my job. Nothing major happened… And yet, this was probably one of the most emotional weeks I’ve had in a long, long time.

So, 9:42am this morning… I missed the only train I could take, and decided that driving wasn’t really that appealing. The whole point was to have two, uninterrupted hours on the train to read, journal, take photos, and think. I like to think. Most of you know that… But thinking is one of my most favorite past times… and probably one of my sweetest downfalls.

Reminds me of the Regina Spektor song, Samson. “You are my sweetest downfall…” I should put on some Regina Spektor as I write… Mojave 3, which is what is currently tickling my ears (as well as MIA which is currently blaring through the café speakers, and my headphones are failing to drown out) just isn’t cutting it.

Wow... Rabbit trail. Back on track now... no pun intended.

Train to Chicago = not happening.

I got out of bed, wandered downstairs, and while I ate breakfast, I contemplated what my day would behold. After agonizing over a few different options (one of which included staying locked away in my house doing nothing), I finally decided to hop in my car and drive to Madison.

Today was a day that required a fair amount of convincing… I really didn’t want to brave State Street because it seemed as though there may have been a Wisconsin game that had just gotten over as there was a mad swarm of red everywhere. Craziness. After driving around the downtown area of Madison for about a half an hour, I found myself back at the Capitol, with my car sitting in front of a Starbucks. Starbucks? I drove my butt all the way to Madison to go to Starbucks?

After a few minutes of coaxing, I convinced myself to put my car in drive, and continue my quest to find a local coffee shop that had a bit of “flavor” to it. After another 10 minutes of driving, I finally resorted to finding something on State Street. As I pulled into a parking spot and gathered my belongings, I looked up and in front of me I could see “Barriques Coffee Trader.” My heart beamed… I found my place, and it wasn’t on State Street.

I headed inside, and the place could not have provided more delight to my soul. Cast iron artwork all over the place, funky tile, and a girl with dreadlocks serving me my coffee. Could I have asked for a better place to hang out?

I got my drink, and headed to a table on the second level. There’s a bi-level coffee shop in Milwaukee, and I love sitting on the second floor and being able to look down on all the hustle and bustle in the store.

I sat down, and pulled out my journal. I put the pen to the paper… nothing. I was stumped. I could not find the words to write, and I found myself in a place of not WANTING to write. I didn’t want to think about it… I didn’t want to write any words except curse words. And I’m not just talking about the word damn. I’m talking about words you’d never hear me use (except for my roommate Brittany who heard me use them a few times, in our old office, behind closed doors.)

I threw the journal back in my bag, and pulled out my laptop. I distracted myself with reading a couple of emails, and checking Twitter updates. Boring. I can do that at home. After a few moments of wasted time, my heart kept nagging at me… “Write.” I yelled back at it, “No, I don’t want to.” I did this all internally of course, otherwise the lovely couple next to me who is nursing a bottle of wine, and sharing a lovely Saturday afternoon together would have looked at me quite strangely. My heart didn’t stop though… “Write.”

So, I did.

I started writing something lame about how I wish my life had a soundtrack… And I do. I have been listening to so many good tunes lately that I wish they’d be playing in the background as I experience certain moments in life.

However, it was a sad excuse for “writing.” Pathetic, really. I needed to write from my heart – not some stupid junk about how life needs a soundtrack. So, I opened a new document, and started writing this piece…

I’m nowhere near where I should be with writing honestly – writing what I’m really feeling/thinking… what I’m going through, why my heart hurts so much, and about how much I just want to run away from it all.

But it’s start… I will continue to write. I will continue to find the words my heart needs to express. I will continue to explore the possibilities of what could grace (or muddy up) the paper before me.

For now… this is what you get. My journey at a coffee shop to write what my heart really wants to say. More to come, I’m sure…

hug

2008-09-02T13:15:00.003-05:00

A bear hug.

A “man” hug.

A side hug.

Hugs are an interesting thing to me… When I was in elementary school and junior high, I hated them… Mostly because I thought all the girls around me were just being silly about hugging each other. However, as the years went by, I came to appreciate hugs more and more. And I’m amazed by the fact that there are so many different ways to hug a person, and that HOW you hug someone, or if you choose not to hug someone, can indicate how you feel about them.

A bear hug may indicate you are incredibly comfortable with someone, and love them in almost a familial sort of way. A “man” hug may indicate that you want to show affection, but it’s not necessarily appropriate to give a regular hug. Rather, you stand at a distance, with a handshake in between. A side hug for those who are friends, but just not that comfortable hugging one another. There are so many different ways to show affection, just through something as simple as a hug.

A few years back, I got into a conversation with a few good friends of mine about love languages. We were on a 16 hour van ride, and had pretty much ripped through every other topic of conversation, that we found ourselves on a more serious topic in hour 14 of the drive. As we were talking about our different love languages, I was certain that I knew what mine were: time spent, and words of affirmation. For me, the two went hand in hand. While someone spending time with me means a great deal to me, if there are no words of affirmation to go with it, the time spent with them feels somewhat empty. And the reverse is true… Someone could tell me they think I’m great and tons of fun to be with… but if they never actually spend time with me, then the words seem somewhat hollow. So, at that point in our conversation, I was CONVINCED that those two were my strongest love languages, at least in the way of FEELING loved. Showing love is a whole different story…

However, I’ve just recently learned something about myself. Until last September, I either lived at home or in a dorm room. As most of you know, college life is FILLED with people. I saw good friends of mine – people who were like family – on a daily basis. Hugs were a-plenty. And while living at home, there was always a hug waiting there if I needed one. However, since I moved out, I realized that hugs aren’t always abounding… in fact, there were times this past year that I found myself feeling hug deprived. There are days, even weeks, when I feel like that still.

It is such a strange feeling… I never in a million years thought that “physical touch” was so strong for me. However, in the absence of being hugged or even getting just a pat on the back, I realize how much those small things mean to me and affect me.

I’ve always heard stories about how children who are born into orphanages, if not touched in any way, will not be able to sustain life. Physical touch – whether it’s being held, having their back rubbed, or their little cheeks kissed – is ESSENTIAL to their survival. How crazy is that? Never would I have thought physical touch – something as simple as a handshake, a back pat, or a hug – would be so significant in life. And yet, we can see from birth, it is essential. Sure, as adults, we won’t necessarily die if we’re not cared for in this way… But I wonder how much it truly effects who we are, how we feel about ourselves, and even our capacity to show love to others.

The other night, I was in the kid’s room at the church I’m a part of. We have a little guy who comes each week who has a bit of an attachment to both is mom and grandma, and has a really hard time being left alone in the children’s ministry. After some assurance to both the mom and grandma that I would be fine with a crying baby, both of them left me and this little guy who was obviously pretty upset he was being left. I held this little guy in my arms – close to my heart – and let him cry for about 10 minutes. I kept whispering in his ear that everything was going to be ok… I walked around the room, rocking him, rubbing his back, and trying to calm him down. Eventually, the little guy got so tuckered out that he reached his arms around my neck, put his head on my shoulder, and fell sound asleep.

And to be honest, I don’t think he was the only one who benefited from our little stroll around the room.

While I walked around the room, rocking my little friend for the next 20 minutes or so after he fell asleep, I thought about how great it felt to have this little guy in my arms – to know that I was providing him with a safe place to lay his head. It was such an amazing feeling to know he trusted me completely, and to know that I, for the moment, was his care.

There’s something so great about hugs – about holding someone you care about close to you. I visited a church a few weekends ago where they are all crazy about hugging. While I don’t know most of them that well, I left that morning feeling more loved than I had in a long time. The other night, I was at church, and was hugged by one of the other members of our church. And I mean, it was one of those good, solid hugs. As this person was hugging me, they said, “I missed you a lot.” I seriously could not have felt more encouraged.

What is it about the combination of words and hugs that are so powerful? Sometimes, I’m amazed that God designed us as physical creatures who desire to be hugged and held. I guess when I think of “being created in God’s image” – that isn’t one of the first things that comes to mind. I don’t think of God as a physical being, or one that is physical with those he loves. Because I cannot stretch out my arms to him, because I can not feel his embrace, it is not an attribute I typically think of.

However, I think it’s awesome that God knew enough to give us other people to satisfy that need. He placed people in our lives to provide us with those “hugs,” even if he is not there to give us one. There are times when I still feel really "hug deprived" but usually, not too far around the corner, there is a hug waiting for me. I think it’s so great that God gave us such a powerful way of feeling loved and cared about…

Hugs are great, aren’t they?

May I be a person who seeks to give hugs, and who loves people as if it is essential to their survival.

kids

2008-08-23T20:24:00.005-05:00

As most of you know, I absolutely adore kids. There is something so amazing about being with them - being imaginative, telling stories, being a "hero," taking away fear... I love it... Kids just make my heart so incredibly happy.

Which is why kids are probably my most favorite subject to photograph. They have this joy about them that to me, makes them one of the greatest subjects. I love their smiles, and even their pouts...

Here are a few of my favorites photos... and a few of my favorite kids.

Eli Stewart

Ezra Stewart

Lydia Stewart

Caleb Wilson

Elijah Kalbas

Meira Kalbas

Patrick Guerrero

Angel

LaQuita

Danielle Christensen

Arielle Christensen

mixtape

2008-08-16T08:57:00.005-05:00

I don't know about you, but I absolutely love mixtapes. Always have. Probably always will. There's something so great about the tunes someone chooses to lump together. I think you can learn a lot about a person by the songs they choose to put on a mixtape. The sad thing is, I've not really received that many in my lifetime. I'll have to look into changing that status.

I have a friend who has a somewhat long drive this weekend, so I made my friend a few mix CDs for entertainment during the drive.

One of my co-workers and I were talking about the delicate craft of creating a mixtape. We swapped quite a few quotes from the movie High Fidelity, including this one:

"Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art. Many do's and don'ts. First of all you're using someone else's poetry to express how you feel. This is a delicate thing."

I'm not sure I followed the "do's and don'ts." I didn't have much time to create the mix CDs for my friend, so it wasn't done with as much creative energy and thought as I would have liked... But they're just filled with some of my favorite tunes that I know would help make a long car ride more bearable. Some of the songs I'd consider "good songs." Some are just guilty pleasures.

Anyway, here was one of the mixes I created that I myself am actually enjoying listening to:

Merry Happy Mix

"Cross My Heart" - The Rocket Summer
"A-Punk" - Vampire Weekend
"Old Enough" - The Raconteurs
"Hallelujah" - Paramore
"Lazy Eye" - Silversun Pickups
"Merry Happy" - Kate Nash
"Let the Drummer Kick" - Citizen Cope
"Everything is Alright" - Motion City Soundtrack
"Vampire" - Antsy Pants
"I Predict a Riot" - Kaiser Chiefs
"I'll Believe in Anything" - Wolf Parade
"Paper Planes" - M.I.A.
"Pretty Green" - Mark Ronson featuring Santo Gold
"Le Disko" - Shiny Toy Guns
"C'mon C'mon" - The Von Bondies
"Great DJ" - The Ting Tings
"Hide Away" - Rock Kills Kid
"Woke Up in a Car" - Something Corporate

art mail

2008-08-13T13:46:00.000-05:00

Recently, I was in Milwaukee for Gallery night, visiting Light Ideas Gallery where my friends Michael, Bob, and Mark were displaying their photography.

As I exited the gallery, I came across an organization titled "Art Mail Milwaukee." The purpose of their organization is to provide individuals once a week with a fresh piece of art from a Wisconsin-based artist. Pretty sweet. Here's the description from their website:

Fresh Art in Your Email Inbox

Imagine receiving a fresh piece of art in your email inbox; a virtual breath of inspiration.

Each week, we’ll quietly email you a painting, sculpture, photograph or other piece of art from a Wisconsin-based artist. It's that simple!

Here's the piece I received in my email box today:

Jayne Reid Jackson | Bio

Born in Milwaukee, Jayne attended both UW-Milwaukee and UW-Madison. She works in intaglio and monotype and is most widely known for her mezzotints. Her work has been accepted into numerous national print shows and she is a member of several print societies and local art organizations.

She is represented by the Grace Chosy Gallery (Madison) and the Peltz Gallery (Milwaukee) and has recently become of member of High Street Gallery in Mineral Point, Wisconsin. She is also a featured artist on www.portalwisconsin.org, the cultural arts website of the State of Wisconsin.

fresh

2008-08-12T19:01:00.000-05:00

"The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible." ~Vladimir Nabakov

The pages of Rain of Wonder have been blank for quite some time. The pages of my journal have been blank as well. For months, there has been nothing... I'm reminded of a well. It is as if I have this writing well. I lower the bucket, lower it some more, and when I hoist the bucket up through the well, the bucket returns to me without a drop in it. Empty.

There were times where I would sit and stare at my computer... blank, confused, frustrated, and sad. Any and all words seemed distant, and I couldn't seem to grab hold of anything. To form a coherent sentence seemed an impossible task. I would spend a good hour attempting to craft something resembling an entry, and end up with a page filled with ridiculous ramblings.

However, I've learned that if you continually find the bucket empty in one well, maybe it's time to find a new well.

This, my friends, is my new well.

While I cannot get a new brain, or force inspiration, what I can do is start anew. I can begin with an empty slate. I can put behind me 4 years of blog entries, and seek brand new start. This blog is it. New. Fresh.

Since I started my first blog, Blogger has added some fun new gadgets and gizmos. I may be adding new ones from time to time, so keep an eye out for those. For now, I suggest you check out the YouTube Gallery at the bottom where I will be displaying some of my favorite YouTube videos. Currently playing: So You Think You Can Dance - Joshua and Katee.

So please, come join me as I begin my new writing journey. My desire is that this new well will provide a wealth of water. Sometimes, my entries may just be pictures, or links. Sometimes I may post an entry with music lyrics. Sometimes I may highlight something cool and unique to Milwaukee. And sometimes, I may bear my soul.

Your comments are also most welcome. They both inspire and spur me on to write more regularly. They are ever so encouraging. I have cherished, and will continue to cherish, those comments that I receive both on and apart from this blog.

But most of all, this new blog is designed to help me get back into the art of writing... to discover the words written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible.