Can I be geeky for an entry? Do I have permission to do that?
For the past six years, I have dedicated myself to a story… Six years is a lot of time, I realize. But in some respects, it feels like six years of goodness.
Six years ago, I started watching the TV show LOST. Yes, I know. Total geekdom. Not only have I dedicated six years of my life to following this TV show, but I’m now also dedicating a blog entry to it. Pretty sad, hey? But bear with me…
I’m a lover of stories. I mean, absolute, hard-core lover of stories. My favorite class in high school was English. Why? Stories. I was an English/Film major in college. Why? Stories. Even now, I love to hear other people’s stories. I can sit for hours just listening to people in my community tell me stories about their lives.
And LOST provided one fantastic story.
I’ve never found myself more connected to a show before. Sure I’ve had a few favorites over the years. I think I’ve probably seen every episode of The Wonder Years more than once. Such a great show. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Freaks and Geeks. And I even had a short-lived love for the ticking clock of 24. However, I’ve never really enjoyed a story as much as I’ve enjoyed the story of LOST.
I was talking with a fellow LOST fan tonight, as tonight is the series finale. We were talking about why the show is so great, and why so many other fans have dedicated so much of their time to following this story. This fellow LOST fan and I recognized the fact that some like it for the mystery, some for the sci-fi/fantasy-like nature, some for the romance, and some for the spiritual/philosophical aspects… and some for all of the above.
For me, I think the reason I’ve been so wrapped up in it is because these people – these characters we’ve come to know over the past six years – are all a part of something bigger than themselves. While they are all individuals and contribute their own unique piece to the puzzle, the puzzle is so much bigger than each of them individually. They must decide whether or not to trust each other. The must decide whether or not to work together or against each other. They must learn about each other, grow together, and see the good, the bad and the ugly together. And that is what has drawn me in – their community of people and the lives they’ve built with each other.
I think that we each deeply desire to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. From the time we’re little, we’re searching for some sort of bigger purpose. We learn about the cause and effect of our behavior. We realize our love and need for community. Good and evil are battling within us. We want to fight against our selfish desires for the good of our neighbor. And we want to do everything in our power to point people to what is good, noble, and true.
And that is what LOST is all about. Again, I realize I sound pretty geeky – putting so much weight on a silly television show. But I truly believe that is why LOST has so many fans, so many people who have dedicated six years of their lives to following their story. I believe that a lot of us that watch the show see a bit of ourselves in it – people who are searching, wanting to be a part of something bigger than themselves. People who are trying to learn about the cause and effect of their behavior. People who recognize their need for community. People who struggle with the battle of good and evil going on within. People who are fighting against their selfish desires… and people who are wanting to point people to what is good, noble and true.
I realize that there are people who are NOT fans of LOST who resonate with the above statements. But I often wonder if that is why there ARE so many fans of LOST – because we see a little bit of ourselves in the show and in the characters we’ve come to know.
I’m sad to see LOST end… There was something special about being a part of a community that shared a deep love for the storytelling found in LOST. I’ll miss the philosophical and spiritual conversations that took place around this show. I’ll miss the theorizing and the conspiracies. I’ll miss the endings that made me yell “WHAT THE HECK?!” at my television set.
But it was a good six years – and it was a show that made me fall more and more in love with the art of storytelling. I love storytelling, and I look forward to more great storytelling in my life – both those on TV and those in my real life community.
lost
fix you
I just finished watching the documentary "Young @ Heart." Fantastic movie. If you ever get a chance to watch it, I highly recommend it. I had heard about it a while back, but just got around to watching it.
It made me remember just how much I love this song... So I thought I'd post it.
Unfortunately, I couldn't find the official video to embed, so this is a live performance. Please forgive the fact that you have to watch Chris Martin's inability to dance.
Man I love this song though... I hope you enjoy.
enjoy
Yesterday I got to spend some time with one of my favorite people in the world. I’ve known my friend C for probably 18 or so years now, but my friendship with him has always been kind of funny. We’ve known each other for a long time, but I think we have a conversation with each other maybe 2-3 times a year…
Despite the fact that I only see him on occasion, he is one of those people that I always enjoy getting to reconnect with because he ignites such an energy in me that is rare. And yesterday was no exception.
The past couple of days have been filled with little sleep and lots of thoughts. Yesterday afternoon, I was wrestling through a TON of thoughts, and a lot of them pertained to my future – what’s next in the life of Tory. For probably the past 4 years, I’ve had a lot of on-again off-again thoughts about what it would look like to live a life of simplicity – to get rid of the bulk of my “stuff,” live in a small studio or 1 bedroom apartment with very little “stuff” and live off a meager salary, but doing something I love. Take an $8-10 an hour job working with kids making art all day, or something of that nature. I’ve thought a lot about moving to a different country for a while too. And given the events and thoughts of this past week, now might be the time to move forward. As I was wrestling through some of these thoughts, I found that I became overwhelmed by just how much I was thinking about. My friend C popped into my head. Why? Well, because C and I have had our share of conversations about what it means to be a Jesus follower, and also what it means to live on less. My friend C is a ridiculously fantastic example of what it means to live on less.
As I walked into his apartment yesterday – my first time ever in his new place – I was immediately inspired. C is a graphic designer and artist, and his apartment was the most inspirational apartment I’ve ever been in. Literally. As I walked in, the first thing I saw was a chair strapped to the ceiling. I laughed because if I tried to strap a chair to the ceiling, it would look silly. But this just fit. As I walked through the hallway into his “office” I walked into a room that had a beautiful mural covering the ceiling and the walls. Old crates arranged fantastically to display art books. Wires running across corners with art magazines hanging over them. Photography prints all over the place. It was SO fantastic. I told him when I first arrived to forgive me if I was really distracted during our conversation because there was simply too much to look at and too much to admire. Not that his house was filled with a ton… but there was just art everywhere – and it was fantastic!
What was even more fantastic was the conversation we had… Our conversation was all over the place (as are most of my conversations with C), and yet, what I always love about my conversations with him is that in his eyes, things are always do-able. I have a couple of friends that see life this way – that anything is possible – but with C, he makes me feel like anything is do-able, and yet doesn’t seem to make me feel bad or discouraged if I can’t see that possibility right away. If I start to throw excuses at him on why I think it’s not possible, he might just suggest a different way of looking at it or a way around it. He also recognizes that people come with different baggage and while everything is always do-able, the path there might look really different. And even though sometimes I get really overwhelmed by his suggestions, even though sometimes I think what he’s suggesting ISN’T do-able, I know that it is without him having to tell me – because he’s living proof.
I won’t give you exact figures… my friend C is pretty modest about telling people what he lives on per year. But I will tell you this. It is astonishing. I am baffled that he’s been able to do what he’s done, and how little he’s been able to live on. He’s mad creative, and has come up with some really clever ways around certain expenses. He has found ways to keep his expenses extremely low, and his joy of living extremely high. Whenever I think about the idea of loving every minute of life – loving what you do every day, and that what you love to do is your life – I think of C. That is why he came to mind yesterday, and that is why I stopped over to chat with him.
I’m tired of letting my debt own me. I’m tired of being in a job I hate (even though I know I can be a “light” in a job I hate, why spend the majority of my life fighting against something I hate). I sat across from him yesterday saying, “I don’t even know what I enjoy doing anymore.”
And that’s true. It’s a sad fact, but true. That came to light even prior to my conversation with C. My life over the past year has become solely dependent upon relationships and the commonalities I have in those relationships. I’ve walked away from things like photography, painting and writing because they didn’t totally fit in with my new friendships. I have loved the new friendships I’ve built – they’re great. There have been things I’ve done with my new friends that I enjoy, but I’ve put too much weight on those, and have lost the other things I used to love. I sat across from C and said, “I literally don’t know what I LOVE doing anymore.” We talked about a couple of things – things I THINK I’d love to do – and he gave me some really practical suggestions – things he’s been suggesting to me for quite some time now, and I just never really listened.
But maybe now is the time to listen. Maybe now is the time to really start making some of the changes I’ve been talking about for the past 6 years. Things like living on less. Things like working in a low-paying job, but one I love. Things like living in a little box with not a lot of “stuff” around me. Things like walking, biking, and/or taking the bus where I need to go. Things like doing art – photography, painting, writing, etc – during more of my time. Things like building relationships with unexpected people. Things like becoming the radical Jesus follower I’ve always talked about wanting to be, but never made any sacrifices to become…
My friend C, in all his crazy and quirky ways, always inspires me to live passionately and deeply. To love life, and to soak it in for all it’s worth. His quote on his Facebook page says, “i never wanna sleep and always wanna wake up. such a messed up enjoyable world we get to be involved in. please don’t let it end.” I want to live that way – where I never want to sleep, and always want to wake up. Where I realize we live in a messed up world, but one that’s enjoyable. And even more, one we get to be involved in. What a gift! We get to rub shoulders with God’s creation on a daily basis. We have the ability to ingest God’s creation every day. And so often, I forget that… I forget there’s an entire world to be enjoyed – not dreaded.
May I move forward intentionally recognizing the world God has provided for me to ENJOY. May I be a person who never wants to sleep but always wants to wake up. May I be a person who moves towards living passionately and deeply. And may I continue to meet people like C who ignite a fire in me to live what I love.
battle
It’s nearly 4:00am. I haven’t been able to fall asleep yet… Thought I’d take the opportunity to write a little, in hopes of maybe boring myself to sleep. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head right now, and thought I’d work through some of them on paper.
Everyone has parts of their personality they wish they could change. For the most part, I’ve been fairly content with my personality. Sure there are things I wish I did differently or ways in which I was wired differently. There are times when I get really frustrated with the fact that I’m not as good of a Jesus follower as I should be, or that I am very much introverted, or the fact that I get socially anxious… But for the most part, I’ve come to accept who I am.
But there is one thing that I’ve always battled with… And that’s my emotions. I’ve often heard that it is because I supposedly have the gift of mercy – which apparently is both a blessing and a curse. From what people tell me, people with the gift of mercy have an unbelievable sensitivity to those around them – especially those that are in need of love or are hurting. I don’t know that I have the gift of mercy… There are times that I feel like I’m terrible at being sensitive to those around me. Yet, I do recognize the fact that my heart breaks easily for those who are hurting. Yet, the unfortunate part is that those with the gift of mercy have an unbelievable sensitivity - period. Their hearts break easily - period. In all areas of life. This is the battle I struggle with constantly.
As a kid, I rarely showed emotion. My parents would often tell me stories about my demeanor as a child, and they told me that they often didn’t know what was going on in my head or my heart because I was VERY reserved with my emotions. I’m not sure why that was – maybe it’s because I had a brother who was my polar opposite – who was pretty vocal and communicative – that I didn’t want to compete. But whatever the case was, I rarely showed my emotions as a kid. Even at a young age, I struggled to verbalize what was going on in my life. My parents would often times know something was wrong, but have no idea what was going on with me. Two weeks later, a letter would show up on their bed or would be slid under their door. It would be a letter explaining why I had been upset and that I was better.
I remember getting to junior high and high school, and falling in love with journaling. That became my outlet, and I started expressing myself much more through writing – mostly journaling, but sometimes poetry as well. I still rarely verbalized how I was feeling, but at least I became more expressive.
In college, I tried to use art as a method of expression. It never quite did the trick for me as an outlet – nowhere near what writing provided for me. It wasn’t until I started working at Ridgewood, and I met my friend Brandon, that I started to learn how to become more vocal about what I was feeling and thinking. It was a painful and ugly experience, but my friendship with Brandon really helped break through some of those barriers I had in expressing (verbally) some of my emotions.
But I often like to say that breaking through those barriers also opened up the floodgates.
I would spend the next few years really struggling to work through all of the emotions I was experiencing. Ridgewood, Sonlife, the Mission, Veritas and various relationships all contributed to a whole new array of emotions for me. I had never struggled with anger before and was dealing with a brand new level of anger while at Ridgewood and the Mission. I had never experienced loss in such profound ways before those years. And I had never been as attached to or loved something as deeply as I had during those years. Those years were wonderful in that they allowed me to become passionate and to love deeply… but with that came an overwhelming mix of emotions – continuing my battle with how to deal with my emotions.
I found that I had a lot of sensitivities to things – some which were really good. There’s a huge part of me that is really thankful for the emotional side of my personality – it has allowed me to be a good listener in a lot of ways, and reach out to a lot of people I may not have reached out to without being wired the way I am. Unfortunately, these strong emotions – my strong propensity to “feel” – can also cause problems in a lot of ways. My heart gets attached INCREDIBLY easily. My passion makes me a fighter AND my easily frustrated and hurt heart makes me a retreater… It is one of my deepest desires to read and understand the emotions of others – but being more emotional than logical in that sense sometimes causes my gauge to be off, and I read things completely wrong.
Over the years, I’ve grown a lot in these areas… I’ve learned a lot about my emotions and how to handle them. But I’m far from being perfect. I still have quite a ways to go.
The hardest thing about my emotions is that it often separates me from others… It is rare for me to find someone who “feels” the same way, or as strongly, as I do. I have a good knack for becoming friends with the logical folks. Another hard thing to contend with is that those of us with really strong emotions are usually the ones who are considered “burdens” to others… Some of us are oblivious to the fact that we’re burdens. Others of us KNOW we’re burdens, and that makes it even more difficult. We worry. We analyze. We try to fix. We think too much. We draw things out. We worry some more. We sometimes get too self-focused. We aren’t always logical. We get attached. We can’t let go.
It’s a very lonely place to be – especially when you recognize it in yourself, and you know the affects it has on others. It’s lonely because no matter how much you try to explain it, people don’t get it. And it’s lonely because even YOU want to get away from yourself. It’s lonely because on the one hand, you don’t want to be a burden, and on the other hand, your deepest desire is to connect with someone and to be understood. And when you think you’ve found someone that understands, you tend to hold onto them for dear life.
I wish I knew how to tame it… I wish I knew how to tap into the good parts of it – being sensitive and empathetic to those around me – and how to turn off all the junk that comes with it. Unfortunately, that’s just not something I’ve mastered yet. It’s something I’m embarrassed about and wish it wasn’t on display for the whole world to watch as I fumble my way through it.
But it is what it is. I will have to learn how to deal with it, and how to deal with others frustrations with it. I will have to learn how to be ok with being this person who has a tremendous amount of emotions, and feels strongly about a number of things. I will have to learn what it means to be a person of great passion, especially when that passion can end up misdirected. I will have to find ways to better communicate how I’m feeling, and learn when to be reserved. I pray that I can learn to use the gifts God has given me through this, but allow him to work out my weaknesses.
And I pray that I have the grace to deal with myself in the process… because right now, I have none.
re-post: dirt
I've been TERRIBLE about blogging over the past few years, and even more so recently. As much as I'd like to believe I'm still a writer, I've given up practicing, and am therefore pretty rusty. Tonight was pure proof of that, and I'm taking the easy way out yet again by posting an old blog entry. However, as I spent some time writing tonight, I kept coming back to an entry I wrote a couple of years ago on my old blog... A lot of what I found myself writing about tonight sort of fits with this post, so I thought I'd re-post it. Hopefully, I'll start "practicing" more, and will get some new stuff up over the next couple of months.
DIRT
"Every flower must grow through dirt."
-- Anonymous
I think flowers may just be one of God's most stellar creations. I mean, just think about them... brilliant in color and scent. Delicate, and yet fiercely beautiful. And such an intricate process in order to live and grow.
I know a lot about the intricacies of plants, and the process of keeping them alive. Rather, my experience has been the opposite. I'm TERRIBLE at keeping plants alive. My poor plant at work goes from dry, to wilty, to watered, to dry, to wilty, and continues this cycle on a weekly basis. I'm so neglectful.
However, I'm fascinated by plants and flowers... how they require so many elements working together in order to sustain them, and that they require a lot of work - especially under human care... Such delicate things, those flowers...
Recently in my life, I've had a few people point out what would seem to be, to them, errors in my life. Areas where I am broken, lacking, failing... While there can be some validity to these sorts of "light casting" sessions, I struggle a great deal in believing them to be errors, or something that's "wrong" with me...
I love the above quote. It is so encouraging to my heart and soul, and I think it allows me to wrap my hands around people's comments regarding my character and my life a little bit more easily.
There's no question that a flower needs dirt to grow. It needs all the nutrients the dirt has to offer. Is everything about the dirt beneficial? Probably not. And the dirt isn't necessarily good for much more other than growing things. However, the dirt is absolutely necessary for growth. How often do we neglect our "dirt" or try to cover it up? Sure, we put flowers in cute flower pots, and sure we try to make them look as "homey" as possible... but the fact still remains: there's dirt. It's there. Everyone knows it's there. Everyone can see it. So why do we try so hard to mask our dirt? And how often do we prematurely cut the flower, put it in a vase with only water, and expect it to continue growing in it's new, sans-nutrient environment? I know for me personally, I've gone the vase route too many times. I've been disgusted with the dirt, sick of the clay pot... and decided the vase would be the best place to plant myself. But soon, my water supply becomes depleted, and I suddenly have nothing to promote my growth.
We need the dirt. We need all of the hurt, the pain, the raw emotion, the irrational fears... all of those stretching moments when we learn that we are much smaller and more incapable than we realize. Those moments - as ugly and dirty as they may seem - are really the things that drive our growth; they help us move forward, learn, and change. Sure there is a time to be uprooted... but we need to learn to embrace the dirt, and not look for the quickest route out of the pot.
The cool thing about flowers? Dirt alone won't do the trick. Flowers also need water and sunlight to survive, breathing life into them. How great is that? Our growth is not all about dirt, and we don't have to deal with just dirt 24/7.
I love this idea... Embrace the dirt. Know there will be sunshine.
May I learn to live everyday comfortable in the dirt, beaming amidst the sunshine.
thunderstorms
Warm weather has descended upon us. Who knows how long it will actually last, but for right now, it's here. And with warmer weather comes one of my absolute favorite things: THUNDERSTORMS! I hope we get one soon...
I thought about writing why I love thunderstorms so much, but then remembered I had written one already on my old blog (Rain of Wonder). I went back, re-read it, and decided to re-post it. I wrote it about 2 years ago, and really, it just sums it up really well. Here goes...
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STORMS
It's 3:41am. I fell asleep at 7:30pm. Hence my being wide awake at 3:41am.
I'm laying in bed as I write this, sitting below an open window, listening to the thunderstorm as it is barking outside. I absolutely love thunderstorms. They make my heart so incredibly happy. I took the above picture last summer during a thunderstorm. It was my first attempt at a long exposure... Obviously, I did not have the hang of it. But the photo still turned out kind of fun. Anyway, with the little bit of coherency I have right now this early in the morning, I started thinking about why I love thunderstorms so much. I think part of the reason is because I have so many great memories attached to thunderstorms...
1. When I was a little kid, my best friend Leah and I tried to create our very own weather station. We were convinced we were going to predict the weather, and provide the neighborhood with information so they could prepare for storms. Granted, we knew nothing about meteorology, but we'd sit in our weather station (ironically, a tree) and let everyone (ok, our parents) know when a storm was coming (um, basically, the sky would be pitch black... anyone would know a storm was coming...). Leah and I both had phones in our basements, so whenever the sirens went off and we'd have to head down to the basement, she and I would call each other on the phone and talk about the great storm that was outside, and what we were hearing on the radio. I have such great memories of talking with her on the phone during storms.
2. Speaking of being in the basement... I love my mom dearly. She's a great mom, and always wanted us to be safe. But we had a lot of really crazy thunderstorms when I was little. Therefore, we would OFTEN go down to the basement during storms, despite some of our protesting (my brother and I, and sometimes my dad, would always want to sit on the front porch and watch). I have great memories though of sitting in the basement, in the dark (our power went out a bit) with a flashlight, listening to the siren and the radio, and waiting for the "all clear" to go back upstairs. I remember seeing my dad without his glasses - which seemed so unusual. I remember my mom being slightly worried that none of us were worried. And I remember both my brother and I being excited by the loud and bright fiasco happening right outside our windows.
3. I remember once, for some reason, there was a horrible storm outside and for some reasons, the sirens hadn't gone off. I think I was old enough that my brother was away at college, and I remember my dad and I stepping outside to watch the storm. It was incredibly dark outside for the middle of the day, with crazy amounts of wind. I remember being excited because the sirens HADN'T gone off, and we were able to convince my mom that since they hadn't gone off, we didn't need to go down the basement. I remember standing outside with my dad, looking up at the sky, and talking about how great it felt to be in the middle of it. We talked about the power of storms and what a tornado might feel like. These kinds of moments between my dad and I were kind of rare, and I cherished every one of them... This memory in particular sticks out to me because I felt like we were getting away with something... We were outside in the middle of a storm, when we probably should have been inside taking cover.
4. One of my greatest memories from Judson College is when my crazy roommate and I, along with our two friends Emily and Kristy from the 3rd floor of our dorm, would go out and play during the middle of thunderstorms. Now, I realize, this was not the safest thing in the world, as I have a friend who was struck by lightning, and just barely survived. However, we had SO much fun. We'd run all over campus: we'd run to all the dorms and see if we could find anyone else to join in our rain dance, and we'd run to all the computer labs - drenched - to find any of our friends who might join in... The parking lots had huge pot holes which created for amazing puddles to jump in. There was a spot, right in front of the chapel, where the ground was uneven, and created for a trench of sorts... We would run and slide across this on our backs or stomachs as nature's own slip-n-slide. Sure we'd get grass in places where the sun doesn't shine, but it was well worth it. I loved being out in the rain. Taking walks in the rain is probably one of my most favorite things to do... something I haven't really done since my days at Judson, and something I soon need to resurrect.
5. Another memory from Judson was a tape I received from my friend Colin. We'd gone quite a long period without having any good thunderstorms. Just a bunch of dreary rain. I was lamenting to my friend Colin about it, that I hadn't been able to fall asleep to the sound of rain pounding on the roof, or thunder rumbling in the distance. The next day, he hands me a tape. He'd created an entire tape with thunderstorm sounds on it so that in the absence of thunderstorms, I could listen and fall asleep to the tape and at least PRETEND that there was a thunderstorm outside. How great is that? My friend Colin was amazing... and to this day, I think it's one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received.
6. The last memory I'll share happened the night before my high school graduation. We had a horrible storm. While there weren't actually any tornados per se, there might as well have been. We had 80mph winds, and some pretty violent lightning. Once the storm had subsided, my brother and I somehow convinced my mom to let us go out in the car and survey the damage at like 4:00 in the morning. My brother and I hopped in the car, and found that there were more streets blocked than streets we could drive down. Trees were down everywhere. People were out in their yards, in the streets, surveying the damage. I can't ever remember a time being outside at 4am and seeing so many other people outside at 4am. We drove past a park where we grew up, and there were at least 30 trees split right in half, laying all over the park floor and the surround streets. While this storm created for some sadness in our hearts (our childhood park would never look the same as they had to cut down most of the trees, and there were a lot of people who suffered quite a bit of damage to their house) I remember feeling like my brother and I were on an adventure. We had to try to navigate around the city and find streets that were actually open. We talked about all the people we saw, all the crazy things we saw... It's one of my favorite memories with my brother, actually...
There are so many other memories I could write about... but seeing as how it is the middle of the night, and my brain isn't at full capacity, I thought I'd write about the memories that stuck out to me. I love thunderstorms, and am so grateful I woke up for a half an hour of bliss this evening.
Thanks for reading my fun memories of thunderstorms... my heart is happy right now.
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Oh, how I look forward to the summer of 2010 thunderstorms... I hope I get to experience some pretty amazing United States thunderstorms AND Africa thunderstorms!
