The day I almost went to Africa...

For the past six months, my life has revolved around one thing: going to Africa. Last fall, my friend Christine moved to Uganda to be a full-time missionary. From the day she got there, she would tell me over and over how much I needed to go there – how much she could see ME there full-time. Quite a few years ago, she had gone to Ghana, and would tell me stories about her time there. Throughout our conversations, Christine said I’d light up about Africa. She’s told me I have an African heart… I’m not totally sure what that means, but I’m guessing it means that in my heart, I have a love for that continent.

And she’s right, I do. And today is the day I almost went to Africa.

Last January, I made the decision to travel to Africa and visit Christine in Uganda, seeing what it is that she does and helping her out in any way that I can. About a month after I made the decision to go, my friend Jenny decided that she also would go. For months, all we kept saying to each other was “We’re going to Africa!” with excitement but also a sense of disbelief. Neither one of us could believe we were ACTUALLY going to Africa. It seemed like a dream come true. We couldn’t wait to play with children, hold babies, and see how God moves in a people so totally different from ourselves, in a culture unlike anything we’d ever experienced. We had a countdown going on Facebook and everything.

A few weeks ago, I said to my mom, “Mom, I feel like I’m not actually going to BE in Africa. I’m not sure why I can’t shake the feeling, but I’m really struggling to envision myself there.” At the time, I just imagined it was because it was something totally foreign to me, and it was probably just my disbelief that it was actually going to happen – that I was actually going to go to Africa. It seemed like such an unreal dream! But I had a ticket in hand, and I was set to go.

That is, until someone decided to detonate bombs inside a rugby club and Ethiopian restaurant in Kampala last Sunday. Uganda is part of the African Union (AMISOM), and have troops currently in Somalia to support the Somalian government. Somalia is known for it’s lawless state, and Uganda has offered its support to protect the president of Somalia. However, there is a group named Al-Shabaab that is unhappy about the presence of Uganda (and Burundi) in Somalia, and want them out, hence the reason for the bombings.

Since Sunday, nothing else has happened. However, there is an African Union Summit that starts Monday, where apparently quite a few dignitaries will be going to Kampala to discuss the situation in Somalia. This has made some folks very uneasy and nervous about being in Kampala. The US Embassy in Kampala issued a Warden’s Message yesterday indicating that Uganda planned to send an additional 2000 troops to Somalia, and that the bomb threats on Uganda had not ceased. I was told that other organizations like Invisible Children, Zion Project, and Child Voice have postponed their travel to Kampala. And due to these potential safety issues, Christine decided to cancel our trip to Africa. While I didn’t agree with the decision, and still felt strongly about going, I had to respect her decision.

But what my life has revolved around for 6 months is now no longer happening.

Right now, my parents and I would have been meeting up with my brother and sister-in-law for lunch, getting ready to go to the airport. 5 hours from now, I would have been taking off in an airplane headed for Uganda. And 48 hours from now, I would have been meeting up with Christine in Kampala!

But instead, I’m looking at a pile of clothes on the floor that didn’t even make it into my backpack. I’m looking at a pile of medical supplies that will now have to be shipped instead of hand delivered. And I’m looking at the next 3 weeks of my life wondering what in the world I’m going to do with myself.

Have you ever found yourself a point of feeling like you no longer want to desire or hope for anything because you feel like it’s just one “no” right after the next? That’s sort of how I’m feeling right now… I feel like this past year has been filled with a lot of “no’s” in my life. And the more I think about it, the more I feel like there have been a lot of “no’s” in my life in general. I’ve had numerous situations where I’ve felt like everything was how it should be – that I was where I was supposed to be. And then everything would fall apart and change. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t take any steps forward because they never seem to be the right ones.

For six months, I’ve been told this trip would be life-changing. Does that now mean that my life won’t change? Am I just going to go through the next six months with the same life because I had a life-changing opportunity taken away from me? So may people encouraged me saying that maybe this trip would provide clarity – does that mean now I won’t receive any clarity? That I’ll continue on wondering what in the world God has designed me for?

Everyone has said to me, “This happened for a reason.” I don’t want to sound like the ultimate pessimist or that I don’t trust God for keeping me here, but at the same time, I don’t think that is a true statement. Over the years, I don’t know that I believe that everything happens for a reason – or at least, a reason I’m privy to know/understand. Sometimes, I think things just happen. We want to give them reason in order to make ourselves feel better.

I’ll be interested to see what happens in the next 3 weeks. The experienced and logical side of me says nothing will happen. No more bombings will take place in Kampala, nothing magical or revolutionary will happen in my life. Things will just go on as normal. Sure, there might be some cool things that take place – I might head out to California for a while to help my friend with a wall mural she’s doing through the Compton Initiative. But I’m not sure that anything transformational will happen. I’m not sure that my life was spared by not going to Uganda. I guess only the next 3 weeks will tell…

But I’m just really sad knowing that today is not the day I had hoped it would be. I’m struggling a bit with anger too. And I’m confused on why I had a peace about going, but God did not grant the same peace to others. My heart is sad. Today is the day I almost got travel to a continent I’ve talked about for years, that I’ve supported through a variety of organizations, and that I’ve dreamed of one day experiencing. Today is the day I almost started what could have been a “life-changing” experience. Today is the day I almost saw first hand how God works on the opposite side of the world. Today is the day I almost learned whether or not “missions” is something God has in mind for my life. Today is the day I almost got to leave the country for 3 weeks, experience a new culture for 3 weeks, get away from work for 3 weeks, be in a new surrounding for 3 weeks, be stretched for 3 weeks, and grow a ton in 3 weeks.

Today is the day I almost went to Africa.