change

“Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.”
(Karen Kaiser Clark – Motivational Speaker)

Many of you know this about me – me and change, well, we’re not good friends.

Actually, I take that back… It’s not ALL change that I dislike, only some. There are different types of changes I actually do VERY well with – like changing my clothes. I will often wear two different outfits each day – a work outfit, and a post-work outfit. Somewhat ridiculous, I realize, but it’s what I do. That kind of change I do very well with. Changing stations – if there is a song or television show on I don’t like, I am very much okay with changing stations. I am also okay with change that involves something bad turning into something good – that is the kind of change I can get behind.

But I must say, I completely resonate with the age-old phrase, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

I have always struggled with change in my life, especially when things seem to be going so well as is. I mean really, why fix it if it isn’t broken? Maybe it is because growing up, I had a lot of constants in my life. My parents stayed together for my entire childhood, and are STILL together. I lived in the same house all the while growing up. I had the same friends from the time I was a toddler until the time I graduated high school. Sure, there were a couple of things that were not constant – I had quite a few different school settings growing up, and I had a few friends come and go – but for the most part, things in my life from birth through high school were pretty constant. Change was rare, and that may be one reason why I am resistant to change now as an adult.

But for some reason, I do really struggle with change, and this past year has been full of change for me.

Last fall, I decided to go back to school - to get my Master’s degree, and to be come a teacher. I started attending a small group that instantly became like family to me, and disproved my theory that I would never again find a community. I had found two absolutely amazing friends who challenged me a great deal spiritually, and poured into me in ways I had not experienced in a while. I got a promotion at work. And I got a new car.

All of these things were changes for me – good changes. And I enjoyed them… Until these “changes” started to change. I believe this quote sums it up pretty well:

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” (Arnold Bennet - British novelist/playwright)

After four months in school, I decided to quit, which left me feeling directionless. I had – and still have – no idea what to pursue vocationally. The spiritual family I had come to love just recently decided to divide and multiply – wonderful to learn that we are growing and ready to form/build other groups, but it left me mourning the loss of what I had considered the best thing in my life. The two amazing friends I had become so close with and in some respects, built my life around, decided to start dating one another, completely altering our friendship. The promotion I got at work lasted about 2 months, until I had a completely different job dropped in my lap – one I did not enjoy, nor felt successful at… And on top of it all, I was supposed to go to Africa for 3 weeks, and the night before I was supposed to leave, the trip was called off.

But, as a side note, my new car is still great. At least that hasn’t changed.

I am not saying this as a “woe is me” sort of thing… Just merely stating the fact that what started out as seemingly “good” changes turned into seemingly “not-so-good” changes.

And now, as I look forward to the next 6 months of my life, I see there are more new changes on the horizon. Tomorrow, I start a new job at Elmbrook Church. I’ve missed being in ministry. Since leaving the Rescue Mission, I just haven’t felt the same. My heart hasn’t really felt the same. And while I don’t know if full-time ministry in a church is what I am designed to do for the rest of my life, it is what feels like home to me right now. I am going to be attending a new small group, which a few of my friends will be leading. New beginnings and new faces could be a really good thing for my soul. I am anxious to see what new relationships might be formed. And I am looking towards moving out in the next 6 months. The thought of moving out brings such joy to my heart.

All of these changes are also seemingly “good.” However, I can’t help but hold on to a little bit of fear because I feel like when GOOD changes come, NOT-SO-GOOD changes aren’t that far behind.

Yet, I have come to learn something… There is a great deal of growth that comes through change. And in all honesty, I feel like in the midst of change, we as humans become most vulnerable. We become most aware of our inability, and we become even MORE aware of our need for a Savior. If we never had change, if we never had a sense of instability, we would always feel like we had it figured out – that we knew the “ropes” of life. And yet, what is the good in that? What good is it if I master life? I’d never feel challenged, never feel like I accomplished anything – and definitely would never feel the need for any sort of help from the Creator of the Universe.

But I think change – as uncomfortable and painful as it can be and often is – is so healthy and so good for our souls. It allows us to learn. It allows us to uncover more of the mystery. It allows us to grow. It allows us to become.

When I was doing a search for quotes about change, I came across this final one. I looked and looked and looked, and could not find the author of this quote. But I love it so much:

“Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” (Unknown)

It’s so true, isn’t it? I love the idea behind it, even though I know it is going to be painful. But it’s beautiful to think that every day we surrender who we are, we get that much closer to being the person God wants us to become. Such a rad thought. Even though change and I are not good friends, and I am typically unbelievably resistant to it, I hope that I begin to see and accept change for the amazing thing it can be.

May I be a person who, in the midst of change, recognizes the amazing power change has to help me continually surrender who I am in an effort to be the person I am meant to become.