ideal

It has been far too long since I’ve blogged – I’m not quite sure I remember how! In all seriousness though, writing has been a bit of a daunting thing for me over the past year. I think that too often, I avoid writing because I know it’ll be ugly. My words will sounds shallow, or silly, and it won’t flow the way I want it to. Or it won’t make sense. And that makes me never want to pull out a pen and paper, or a computer, ever again.

I don’t practice like I should, and therefore, don’t write like I would like to. But therein lies the problem. I think I have this idealized concept of writing… When I think of different writers I like - Chaim Potok, John Steinbeck, and Anne Lamott – I imagine them sitting down to a desk in the morning, writing until the stars are dancing in the sky, and finishing with a brilliant piece of work they’ve written in one day – a piece that is perfectly constructed, with no errors, and will move people to tears upon reading. However, Anne Lamott in her book Bird By Bird indicates that this is FAR from the truth. In my head, I have idealized the writing process, which has made me petrified of even trying to write. But tonight, I started to think about just how much I idealize not only writing, but other things in my life as well…

IDEAL
–noun
1. a conception of something in its perfection.

2. a standard of perfection or excellence.

3. a person or thing conceived as embodying such a conception or conforming to such a standard, and taken as a model for imitation: Thomas Jefferson was his ideal.

4. an ultimate object or aim of endeavor, esp. one of high or noble character: He refuses to compromise any of his ideals.

5. something that exists only in the imagination: To achieve the ideal is almost hopeless.

(www.dictionary.com)

The word “ideal” has escaped my mouth NUMEROUS times over the past few weeks. I feel as though I have had to wrestle through a lot of my own perceptions about life and its circumstances that I am just now realizing I have completely idealized, and I have also found myself encouraging people around me to do the same – look at situations in their life that they are scared of, avoiding, or refusing to change because of some sort of “idealized” perception.

One of the things I have come to LOVE doing is looking up the definitions to words. Just the other day, I got into a conversation with two of my friends about the use of the word “evil” in the book of Job. Being the nerd that I am, I came home, looked up the Greek word, and found the definition of the word. But what I loved is the reframing and the reshaping the definition did for me as I re-read that passage in scripture.

So tonight, I decided to look up the word “ideal” and see what it means. As I read through the descriptions above, I began to realize just how dangerous it is to idealize things. The 5th definition is what struck me: Something that exists only in the imagination: to achieve the ideal is almost hopeless. Hopeless… Idealization can lead to hopelessness.

It made me realize how much I create an atmosphere of “hopelessness” in my own life when I idealize something. I create a standard of perfection or excellence that will never be reached. I have a skewed conception of something existing only in its perfection.

I can’t help but wonder what my life might look like if I didn’t idealize so many things. I idealize things like living outside of the U.S. – something I have wanted to do for years, and imagine to be a wonderfully romantic and wild adventure. I idealize what being a parent would be like – that even though I’d be a single mom adopting a child who has a lot of baggage, we’d conquer the odds and becoming an amazing family! I idealize relationships – that people will know exactly how and when to encourage me, and will do so in a flawless manner.

But then I find that I am hopeless when that simply isn’t the case. That’s not to say I can’t enjoy living outside the U.S., or that I can’t be a single mom and absolutely enjoy it… But I think I set myself up for something so unrealistic that it only begs for a sense of hopelessness when not achieved.

Is it inherently wrong to dream or hope for things like a life outside the U.S., or being a single, adoptive parent? Is it wrong for me to desire relationships with people who are deeply involved in my life? No, of course not. But in doing so, I need to make sure that I am pursuing healthy perspectives of them. I need to make sure that I’m not looking at just the beautiful, romantic, and whimsical attributes, but also the hard, stressful, draining, and messy parts... I need to make sure I understand the marriage of both.

And in all honesty, who really wants the idealized version? When something is “ideal” I feel as though it lacks the depth and fullness that blood, sweat, and tears bring. There is a richness to experiencing something that is a bit messy, that requires hard work and sacrifice, but in the end is redeemed.

Yet, I find it so easy sometimes to idealize those things that my soul yearns for.

I definitely don’t have the answer on the best way to stop idealizing things. But I do have a heart that no longer wants to experience a sense of hopelessness because of unhealthy perspectives.

May I learn to pursue healthy perspectives, and learn to love dreaming about the marriage of the beautiful and the ugly pieces of life.

change

“Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.”
(Karen Kaiser Clark – Motivational Speaker)

Many of you know this about me – me and change, well, we’re not good friends.

Actually, I take that back… It’s not ALL change that I dislike, only some. There are different types of changes I actually do VERY well with – like changing my clothes. I will often wear two different outfits each day – a work outfit, and a post-work outfit. Somewhat ridiculous, I realize, but it’s what I do. That kind of change I do very well with. Changing stations – if there is a song or television show on I don’t like, I am very much okay with changing stations. I am also okay with change that involves something bad turning into something good – that is the kind of change I can get behind.

But I must say, I completely resonate with the age-old phrase, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

I have always struggled with change in my life, especially when things seem to be going so well as is. I mean really, why fix it if it isn’t broken? Maybe it is because growing up, I had a lot of constants in my life. My parents stayed together for my entire childhood, and are STILL together. I lived in the same house all the while growing up. I had the same friends from the time I was a toddler until the time I graduated high school. Sure, there were a couple of things that were not constant – I had quite a few different school settings growing up, and I had a few friends come and go – but for the most part, things in my life from birth through high school were pretty constant. Change was rare, and that may be one reason why I am resistant to change now as an adult.

But for some reason, I do really struggle with change, and this past year has been full of change for me.

Last fall, I decided to go back to school - to get my Master’s degree, and to be come a teacher. I started attending a small group that instantly became like family to me, and disproved my theory that I would never again find a community. I had found two absolutely amazing friends who challenged me a great deal spiritually, and poured into me in ways I had not experienced in a while. I got a promotion at work. And I got a new car.

All of these things were changes for me – good changes. And I enjoyed them… Until these “changes” started to change. I believe this quote sums it up pretty well:

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” (Arnold Bennet - British novelist/playwright)

After four months in school, I decided to quit, which left me feeling directionless. I had – and still have – no idea what to pursue vocationally. The spiritual family I had come to love just recently decided to divide and multiply – wonderful to learn that we are growing and ready to form/build other groups, but it left me mourning the loss of what I had considered the best thing in my life. The two amazing friends I had become so close with and in some respects, built my life around, decided to start dating one another, completely altering our friendship. The promotion I got at work lasted about 2 months, until I had a completely different job dropped in my lap – one I did not enjoy, nor felt successful at… And on top of it all, I was supposed to go to Africa for 3 weeks, and the night before I was supposed to leave, the trip was called off.

But, as a side note, my new car is still great. At least that hasn’t changed.

I am not saying this as a “woe is me” sort of thing… Just merely stating the fact that what started out as seemingly “good” changes turned into seemingly “not-so-good” changes.

And now, as I look forward to the next 6 months of my life, I see there are more new changes on the horizon. Tomorrow, I start a new job at Elmbrook Church. I’ve missed being in ministry. Since leaving the Rescue Mission, I just haven’t felt the same. My heart hasn’t really felt the same. And while I don’t know if full-time ministry in a church is what I am designed to do for the rest of my life, it is what feels like home to me right now. I am going to be attending a new small group, which a few of my friends will be leading. New beginnings and new faces could be a really good thing for my soul. I am anxious to see what new relationships might be formed. And I am looking towards moving out in the next 6 months. The thought of moving out brings such joy to my heart.

All of these changes are also seemingly “good.” However, I can’t help but hold on to a little bit of fear because I feel like when GOOD changes come, NOT-SO-GOOD changes aren’t that far behind.

Yet, I have come to learn something… There is a great deal of growth that comes through change. And in all honesty, I feel like in the midst of change, we as humans become most vulnerable. We become most aware of our inability, and we become even MORE aware of our need for a Savior. If we never had change, if we never had a sense of instability, we would always feel like we had it figured out – that we knew the “ropes” of life. And yet, what is the good in that? What good is it if I master life? I’d never feel challenged, never feel like I accomplished anything – and definitely would never feel the need for any sort of help from the Creator of the Universe.

But I think change – as uncomfortable and painful as it can be and often is – is so healthy and so good for our souls. It allows us to learn. It allows us to uncover more of the mystery. It allows us to grow. It allows us to become.

When I was doing a search for quotes about change, I came across this final one. I looked and looked and looked, and could not find the author of this quote. But I love it so much:

“Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” (Unknown)

It’s so true, isn’t it? I love the idea behind it, even though I know it is going to be painful. But it’s beautiful to think that every day we surrender who we are, we get that much closer to being the person God wants us to become. Such a rad thought. Even though change and I are not good friends, and I am typically unbelievably resistant to it, I hope that I begin to see and accept change for the amazing thing it can be.

May I be a person who, in the midst of change, recognizes the amazing power change has to help me continually surrender who I am in an effort to be the person I am meant to become.

The day I almost went to Africa...

For the past six months, my life has revolved around one thing: going to Africa. Last fall, my friend Christine moved to Uganda to be a full-time missionary. From the day she got there, she would tell me over and over how much I needed to go there – how much she could see ME there full-time. Quite a few years ago, she had gone to Ghana, and would tell me stories about her time there. Throughout our conversations, Christine said I’d light up about Africa. She’s told me I have an African heart… I’m not totally sure what that means, but I’m guessing it means that in my heart, I have a love for that continent.

And she’s right, I do. And today is the day I almost went to Africa.

Last January, I made the decision to travel to Africa and visit Christine in Uganda, seeing what it is that she does and helping her out in any way that I can. About a month after I made the decision to go, my friend Jenny decided that she also would go. For months, all we kept saying to each other was “We’re going to Africa!” with excitement but also a sense of disbelief. Neither one of us could believe we were ACTUALLY going to Africa. It seemed like a dream come true. We couldn’t wait to play with children, hold babies, and see how God moves in a people so totally different from ourselves, in a culture unlike anything we’d ever experienced. We had a countdown going on Facebook and everything.

A few weeks ago, I said to my mom, “Mom, I feel like I’m not actually going to BE in Africa. I’m not sure why I can’t shake the feeling, but I’m really struggling to envision myself there.” At the time, I just imagined it was because it was something totally foreign to me, and it was probably just my disbelief that it was actually going to happen – that I was actually going to go to Africa. It seemed like such an unreal dream! But I had a ticket in hand, and I was set to go.

That is, until someone decided to detonate bombs inside a rugby club and Ethiopian restaurant in Kampala last Sunday. Uganda is part of the African Union (AMISOM), and have troops currently in Somalia to support the Somalian government. Somalia is known for it’s lawless state, and Uganda has offered its support to protect the president of Somalia. However, there is a group named Al-Shabaab that is unhappy about the presence of Uganda (and Burundi) in Somalia, and want them out, hence the reason for the bombings.

Since Sunday, nothing else has happened. However, there is an African Union Summit that starts Monday, where apparently quite a few dignitaries will be going to Kampala to discuss the situation in Somalia. This has made some folks very uneasy and nervous about being in Kampala. The US Embassy in Kampala issued a Warden’s Message yesterday indicating that Uganda planned to send an additional 2000 troops to Somalia, and that the bomb threats on Uganda had not ceased. I was told that other organizations like Invisible Children, Zion Project, and Child Voice have postponed their travel to Kampala. And due to these potential safety issues, Christine decided to cancel our trip to Africa. While I didn’t agree with the decision, and still felt strongly about going, I had to respect her decision.

But what my life has revolved around for 6 months is now no longer happening.

Right now, my parents and I would have been meeting up with my brother and sister-in-law for lunch, getting ready to go to the airport. 5 hours from now, I would have been taking off in an airplane headed for Uganda. And 48 hours from now, I would have been meeting up with Christine in Kampala!

But instead, I’m looking at a pile of clothes on the floor that didn’t even make it into my backpack. I’m looking at a pile of medical supplies that will now have to be shipped instead of hand delivered. And I’m looking at the next 3 weeks of my life wondering what in the world I’m going to do with myself.

Have you ever found yourself a point of feeling like you no longer want to desire or hope for anything because you feel like it’s just one “no” right after the next? That’s sort of how I’m feeling right now… I feel like this past year has been filled with a lot of “no’s” in my life. And the more I think about it, the more I feel like there have been a lot of “no’s” in my life in general. I’ve had numerous situations where I’ve felt like everything was how it should be – that I was where I was supposed to be. And then everything would fall apart and change. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t take any steps forward because they never seem to be the right ones.

For six months, I’ve been told this trip would be life-changing. Does that now mean that my life won’t change? Am I just going to go through the next six months with the same life because I had a life-changing opportunity taken away from me? So may people encouraged me saying that maybe this trip would provide clarity – does that mean now I won’t receive any clarity? That I’ll continue on wondering what in the world God has designed me for?

Everyone has said to me, “This happened for a reason.” I don’t want to sound like the ultimate pessimist or that I don’t trust God for keeping me here, but at the same time, I don’t think that is a true statement. Over the years, I don’t know that I believe that everything happens for a reason – or at least, a reason I’m privy to know/understand. Sometimes, I think things just happen. We want to give them reason in order to make ourselves feel better.

I’ll be interested to see what happens in the next 3 weeks. The experienced and logical side of me says nothing will happen. No more bombings will take place in Kampala, nothing magical or revolutionary will happen in my life. Things will just go on as normal. Sure, there might be some cool things that take place – I might head out to California for a while to help my friend with a wall mural she’s doing through the Compton Initiative. But I’m not sure that anything transformational will happen. I’m not sure that my life was spared by not going to Uganda. I guess only the next 3 weeks will tell…

But I’m just really sad knowing that today is not the day I had hoped it would be. I’m struggling a bit with anger too. And I’m confused on why I had a peace about going, but God did not grant the same peace to others. My heart is sad. Today is the day I almost got travel to a continent I’ve talked about for years, that I’ve supported through a variety of organizations, and that I’ve dreamed of one day experiencing. Today is the day I almost started what could have been a “life-changing” experience. Today is the day I almost saw first hand how God works on the opposite side of the world. Today is the day I almost learned whether or not “missions” is something God has in mind for my life. Today is the day I almost got to leave the country for 3 weeks, experience a new culture for 3 weeks, get away from work for 3 weeks, be in a new surrounding for 3 weeks, be stretched for 3 weeks, and grow a ton in 3 weeks.

Today is the day I almost went to Africa.

On Treasures: Thoughts from Sleeping in a Car

This past weekend, I went camping with some WestC Hubsters (our not-so-small group is referred to as a “hub.” Hubs are formed regionally, so ours is the West Central Hub, hence WestC Hubsters). On a lovely and sunny Friday evening, we packed up all our gear, and headed to Yellowstone. Lake, that is. Not THE Yellowstone. Just Yellowstone Lake.

I was asked to bring in the later carpool, as we had a couple people who couldn’t leave until later in the evening. We arrived by about 9:00pm to a camp that was already set up for us. Fantastic! Not having to put up tents in the dark made me quite the happy camper. We unloaded all our gear, got ourselves settled in, and sat down for a night of guitar and djembe (it’s been a while since I’ve played my djembe – felt good!) and chatting around the fire. It was a great way to start off the camping trip…

And then, the lightning and the thunder came. And then, buckets of rain.

Now, keep in mind… I absolutely adore thunderstorms. They may be one of my most favorite things in creation. However, when you suddenly find that there’s a lake in your tent at 1:00am, they tend to not be as fun to have around. Our tent ended up having a massive amount of water in one of the corners. Because we didn’t really know what other options we had, I gave my mostly-dry sleeping bag to the girl who had previously been sleeping in the lake of water, took off with a pillow and an umbrella, and ran barefoot through the mud and rain to my little Versa, where I would cozy up for the evening.

When I got to my car, I was soaked. I thought about curling up in the back seat, but one of the girls who had been in my car had paperwork in the back seat that she had been working on. I was completely wet and I didn’t want to ruin it. So, I decided to sit in the front seat. I got into my car, pulled off my soaking wet pillowcase, curled my pillow up next to me, covered my arms with a hoodie, and tried my best to fall asleep…

But sleep never really came.

The lightning was constant and the thunder fairly loud, making it somewhat difficult to fall asleep. Not to mention the fact that I still had a bit of adrenaline pumping through my system. As I sat there though, trying to sleep in my car, somewhat cold and completely soaked, I started thinking…

About 2 years ago, I had come up with this project I wanted to do. I wanted to live in a car for a year. Now, the plan was a bit more in-depth than that, and there were reasons behind my wanting to live in a car for a year. But that was the basic idea behind it – live in my car for a year.

What started my idea was that I had two friends named Johanna and Jason, who had just taken a trip with a couple of their friends out west. They drove the whole way and traveled in a Honda Element. They were telling me just how great the Honda Element was – that it was roomy, and had seats in the back that folded down, making it large enough for an air mattress and a cozy place to sleep. I think they may have even said, “You could live in it!”

That of course got my brain ticking… and I wondered, “What if I sent in a proposal to Honda, asking them to give me a Honda Element, and in return, I would spend a year living in it, blog about it, make short videos about it, etc. and provide them with some advertising in the effort?” Granted, how “far reaching” my advertising for them would have been was definitely debatable. But I thought it could have been a great idea… The titled of my project was going to be "Elemental: 365 Days in a Honda Element" and the idea was to live on the basic "elements" of life. My hopes were that, in my “year long” house sabbatical, I’d learn what it meant to live on very little. I realized that I would not be simulating poverty in any way shape or form. I mean, after all, I had a car. I would have two HUGE things that people who are homeless do not have – shelter and transportation. I also planned to retain my job. Basically, the only things that would have been different were where I went to sleep each night, where I showered, how I ate, and how much stuff I’d have with me.

My plan was to sell almost all my possessions, taking with me only the few clothes I would need to work (oh the joys of dress code), and the few items I’d need in order to do some of the writing/videoing I wanted to do. But everything else – my musical instruments, my massive book, DVD and music collection, my electronics – everything – I’d sell.

Part of the reason I wanted to do this was to prove to myself (and maybe others) that “stuff” doesn’t make you happy. And part of it was to break myself of the habit of desiring and acquiring more and more “stuff.” I think also, I really wanted to see how creative I could get with learning to live on less. And finally, I wanted to spend some serious time thinking about all the people in the world who, not by choice, have very little to live on, and who would probably give anything to have even a car to sleep in at night.

And that’s a lot of what I thought about the other night when I slept in my car while camping. I really wrestled with my selfish thoughts… That first night, I was frustrated that we all had to sleep in our cars. As I was curled up under my hoodie – wet and cold – I was frustrated that I was sitting in an uncomfortable seat, wet and cold. But I started thinking about the fact that for me, it was one night. I would survive, I’d make it through, and the next night would be better. And in a couple of nights, I’d be back in the comfort of my own bed, surrounded by all the “stuff” I’ve come to love. I thought about the fact that there are millions in this world who do not have that luxury, who do not have the hope that the next night, they’ll be dry, warm, and safe somewhere. They do not have the luxury of seeking shelter in a car. They do not have the luxury of having a hoodie to pull over them to keep warm, and a pillow to comfort their head. They do not have the luxury of waking up the next morning to a huge spread of food, and friends that love them.

The past few months, our Hub has spent time going through the Sermon on the Mount – a ridiculously challenging and yet amazing portion of scripture. As I lay there under the constant lightning and thunder, I couldn’t help but think through the part where it talks about treasures on earth vs. treasures in heaven. Even this past week, I heard from a woman who spent a large portion of her life living on the streets - her story brought me to tears. I realized how often I am ungrateful, and even complain about all of the “treasures” I have here – treasures I should care less about! I thought about how I depend so much on my ability to buy my comfort and happiness. And yet, I realized how unfulfilling that is, and how un-Christlike it is as well.

I’m not saying that “stuff” is inherently bad. I’m not saying that I should deny myself everything in the world. However, what I’m saying is that over the past couple of years, but even moreso recently, I’ve come to realize just how much I depend on “stuff” and how it’s come to control me.

I don’t know what’s next as far as changing this… I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t know what my next move should be. But at least my brain is thinking, and I’ve become more conscious of my behavior.

Today, I’m going to visit a community house in the heart of Milwaukee. For a few years now, I've had a huge desire to live in a community house! I’m pretty excited to see how they’re “living on less” and really helping the kingdom come to earth. In less than 3 weeks, I’ll be in Gulu, Uganda. I’m quite sure that experience will also blow my mind. I’m so excited to learn… I just pray that I’m able to soak it all in, and really make some changes in my life.

May I be a person who constantly questions my "need" for stuff, who learns to store my treasures not on earth but in heaven, and who genuinely seeks for Your kingdom to come, and Your will to be done.

the ride

A long time ago, there was a television show called "My So Called Life." Being a young teen when this show emerged, I totally fell in love with it. And Jordan Catalano? Come on. I mean, here was this mysterious guy with long hair, piercing blue eyes, and who played guitar - what young teenage girl wouldn't fall in love?

It was that show that made me a fan of Jared Leto... Quite a few years later, he created a band called 30 Seconds To Mars. I picked up the album merely out of curiosity. I liked a couple of the tunes, but for the most part, it wasn't totally my style. However, when their second album came out - A Beautiful Lie - I became more intrigued. Not so much with their music (though, their second album was much better than their first), but moreso with their music videos. The first video mirrored a movie I love - The Shining. The video was done really well - very moviesque. The second video - From Yesterday - had some AMAZING shots as well. Brilliant.

But for some reason, this video - for the song "Kings and Queens" off their third album - just makes my heart happy. I don't totally know why. Especially since it contains a few folks with creepy face make-up. But there is something about this video that I find utterly fantastic. I love that there's this massive group, a rag-tag posse of people, riding their bikes around really late at night through the city. I love that they all seem to be connected to one another even though they all look really different - and I love that they're all different! It kind of feels like you have the inside look into some sort of secret club or something. I'm not entirely sure... Maybe the reason I like this video is because secretly (or not so secretly now) I have a ridiculous fascination with bike messengers. It's true. I do.

All I know is that I really really enjoy this video... and so I thought I'd share it with you. Enjoy!

and you shall love

“Hear O Israel, the Lord your God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and you shall speak of them when you sit at home, and when you walk along the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up. And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be for frontlets between your eyes. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”


Quite a few years ago, I learned about this Jewish prayer called Shema Yisrael (or just Shema). It incorporates a few different sections of scripture, including Deuteronomy 6:4-9 (above) which is one of my favorite passages in scripture. I just love the Old Testament, and as a Christian, this portion of the Bible contains one of the greatest commandments – to love the Lord my God with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my strength.

And you shall love…

Today, I did something I’ve wanted to do for quite some time – I got a tattoo. However, I didn’t want to get just any old tattoo. I wanted to get something meaningful. I’ve known for a while that I wanted a tattoo on my wrist, and that I wanted something in Hebrew. I originally thought about getting “adopted” because I am now an adopted child of God. However, I thought this might be a little tricky and hard to explain to others. As I started thinking more, I landed on the word “love.” Each day, I have to choose to love. It’s not always easy. Sometimes my natural inclination is to do the opposite of love. And I felt like having a tattoo of the word “love” might serve as a good reminder to daily choose to love. However, I only knew the translation for the noun form of love, not the verb. I had no idea how to translate it… So, I decided to settle on the noun form.

Two and a half hours before I was supposed to get my tattoo, things changed…

I got into an IM conversation with my friend Kristina, who was asking me about my tattoo. I told her that what I really wanted was the verb form of love, but didn’t know what version to use, and didn’t really like the look of the verb forms I had found. Kristina decided to help me out. Working at Elmbrook, she headed down to the resource library and sent me roughly 8 different pictures she’d taken of Hebrew bibles/texts. She sent me one image that had a translation for “and you shall love.”

I instantly fell in love with how it looked, and with the meaning behind it.

So, around noon today, Solid State’s rock star artist John tattooed “and you shall love” on my wrist. My favorite partners in crime - Kate Berumen and Lady Z - were there to witness the event.

I’m so excited by this phrase… and I love being able to share with people what it means, and why it’s there. Each day, I’m reminded to love God with everything in me – with my entire being. However, it doesn’t stop there… “and you shall love” also reminds me to continually choose to love those around me – to make the conscious choice to be more loving. It serves as a reminder that loving other is what’s expected of me.

Getting this tattoo today was so good on so many levels… I freaked out a bit at the size (it was a little bigger than I was imagining) and my freakishly pale skin makes it stand out quite a bit. But I love that it’s permanent. I love that later in the Shema, it says, “You shall bind them as a sign on your hand” and that’s sort of what I did today.

May this tattoo serve as a reminder to continually pursue God with my entire being, and to love those around me with the love of Jesus.

list

I never saw the movie “Bucketlist” – and in all honesty, I really have no desire to see it. But I can’t say that I’m not a fan of the concept – creating a list of all the things you want to do before you die. Over the years, I’ve created numerous lists such as these, and over time, they’ve changed quite a bit. There are a few items that have survived over the years, but as I’ve got older and as I’ve matured, my interests have shifted, and along with that, my list has also shifted. As I accomplished some of the items on my list, they've been removed. And as I have gained new interests, they were added to the list. But I’ll be honest, I haven’t revisited the “list” in a long time…

I figure now is as good a time as any to do that.

In about a month and a half, I will be doing something I’ve always wanted to do – go to Africa. I am so excited to be able to experience this, and it got me thinking about all of the other things that I want to do. And the past few months have been filled with a lot of “what’s next?” questions. I feel as though right now, I have absolutely NO IDEA what’s next in life. That is somewhat exhilarating, but also absolutely terrifying. But maybe putting these ideas down on paper – or in the blogosphere – will help me actually start thinking about them, and actually start DOING some of them. And maybe, as I start to do these things, I’ll have a little more clarity on the “what’s next?” And if not, at least I enjoyed the ride, right?

I’ll warn you – some of the items on my list are silly, and you may wonder why in the world it’s important to me. Some of them are very serious, and could be really difficult/tricky to do. And some of the things listed here are very very near to my heart, and I know that if I reach the end of my life without ever having experienced them, I will be quite sad.

So without further ado, and in no particular order, here is “the list”:
1. Travel to Africa (soon to be crossed off the list!)
2. Write & illustrate a children’s book (even if it doesn’t get published)
3. Create an animated short film or a documentary
4. Learn to sew my own clothes
5. Be a part of a “Compton Initiative” wall mural (Some day, Sara! Some day!)
6. Travel to India
7. Live in a different country for at least a year
8. Memorize an entire book of the Bible (Deutoronomy? Too ambitious?)
9. Climb/hike up a mountain (not sure which one or how high)
10. Learn to play violin
11. Be a “parent” of sorts (foster parent, adoptive parent, or orphanage mom)
12. Do something risky for a cause / participate in some sort of “civil protest”
13. Write one letter every day for a year
14. Read 1 book a month for a year (What can I say – I’m a slow reader!)
15. Backpack across Europe – staying in hostels, walking/take train everywhere
16. Learn to speak fluently in a foreign language
17. Work in an orphanage for at least 6 months, if not longer
18. Create and maintain a garden and/or participate in a “community garden”
19. Learn how to cook REALLY REALLY well (all healthy stuff!)
20. Learn to surf
21. Get a meaningful tattoo (maybe something in Hebrew on my wrist)
22. Learn to love running (got a lot to work through for this)
23. Help build a Habitat for Humanity House (or two, or three, or four…)
24. Ride an elephant! (Elephants are my favorite!)
25. Have an article published in Paste magazine (oh how I love music!)
26. Make sure to do sidewalk chalk drawings at least once every summer
27. Learn how to play the guitar well (yes, even bar chords – SO HARD FOR ME!)
28. Learn how to dance (don’t laugh at me)
29. Learn how to paint (I paint now, but don’t know much about painting)
30. Visit the Holy Land… walk where Jesus walked

That’s a lot of stuff, and I’m already 30 years into my life… Not sure if I’ll accomplish all of these, but I believe it will be fun trying. I could have kept going, but I think 30 is good for now. 30 just seems like a good number all around.

Here’s to bucket lists…

lost

Can I be geeky for an entry? Do I have permission to do that?

For the past six years, I have dedicated myself to a story… Six years is a lot of time, I realize. But in some respects, it feels like six years of goodness.

Six years ago, I started watching the TV show LOST. Yes, I know. Total geekdom. Not only have I dedicated six years of my life to following this TV show, but I’m now also dedicating a blog entry to it. Pretty sad, hey? But bear with me…

I’m a lover of stories. I mean, absolute, hard-core lover of stories. My favorite class in high school was English. Why? Stories. I was an English/Film major in college. Why? Stories. Even now, I love to hear other people’s stories. I can sit for hours just listening to people in my community tell me stories about their lives.

And LOST provided one fantastic story.

I’ve never found myself more connected to a show before. Sure I’ve had a few favorites over the years. I think I’ve probably seen every episode of The Wonder Years more than once. Such a great show. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Freaks and Geeks. And I even had a short-lived love for the ticking clock of 24. However, I’ve never really enjoyed a story as much as I’ve enjoyed the story of LOST.

I was talking with a fellow LOST fan tonight, as tonight is the series finale. We were talking about why the show is so great, and why so many other fans have dedicated so much of their time to following this story. This fellow LOST fan and I recognized the fact that some like it for the mystery, some for the sci-fi/fantasy-like nature, some for the romance, and some for the spiritual/philosophical aspects… and some for all of the above.

For me, I think the reason I’ve been so wrapped up in it is because these people – these characters we’ve come to know over the past six years – are all a part of something bigger than themselves. While they are all individuals and contribute their own unique piece to the puzzle, the puzzle is so much bigger than each of them individually. They must decide whether or not to trust each other. The must decide whether or not to work together or against each other. They must learn about each other, grow together, and see the good, the bad and the ugly together. And that is what has drawn me in – their community of people and the lives they’ve built with each other.

I think that we each deeply desire to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. From the time we’re little, we’re searching for some sort of bigger purpose. We learn about the cause and effect of our behavior. We realize our love and need for community. Good and evil are battling within us. We want to fight against our selfish desires for the good of our neighbor. And we want to do everything in our power to point people to what is good, noble, and true.

And that is what LOST is all about. Again, I realize I sound pretty geeky – putting so much weight on a silly television show. But I truly believe that is why LOST has so many fans, so many people who have dedicated six years of their lives to following their story. I believe that a lot of us that watch the show see a bit of ourselves in it – people who are searching, wanting to be a part of something bigger than themselves. People who are trying to learn about the cause and effect of their behavior. People who recognize their need for community. People who struggle with the battle of good and evil going on within. People who are fighting against their selfish desires… and people who are wanting to point people to what is good, noble and true.

I realize that there are people who are NOT fans of LOST who resonate with the above statements. But I often wonder if that is why there ARE so many fans of LOST – because we see a little bit of ourselves in the show and in the characters we’ve come to know.

I’m sad to see LOST end… There was something special about being a part of a community that shared a deep love for the storytelling found in LOST. I’ll miss the philosophical and spiritual conversations that took place around this show. I’ll miss the theorizing and the conspiracies. I’ll miss the endings that made me yell “WHAT THE HECK?!” at my television set.

But it was a good six years – and it was a show that made me fall more and more in love with the art of storytelling. I love storytelling, and I look forward to more great storytelling in my life – both those on TV and those in my real life community.

fix you

I just finished watching the documentary "Young @ Heart." Fantastic movie. If you ever get a chance to watch it, I highly recommend it. I had heard about it a while back, but just got around to watching it.

It made me remember just how much I love this song... So I thought I'd post it.
Unfortunately, I couldn't find the official video to embed, so this is a live performance. Please forgive the fact that you have to watch Chris Martin's inability to dance.

Man I love this song though... I hope you enjoy.

enjoy

Yesterday I got to spend some time with one of my favorite people in the world. I’ve known my friend C for probably 18 or so years now, but my friendship with him has always been kind of funny. We’ve known each other for a long time, but I think we have a conversation with each other maybe 2-3 times a year…

Despite the fact that I only see him on occasion, he is one of those people that I always enjoy getting to reconnect with because he ignites such an energy in me that is rare. And yesterday was no exception.

The past couple of days have been filled with little sleep and lots of thoughts. Yesterday afternoon, I was wrestling through a TON of thoughts, and a lot of them pertained to my future – what’s next in the life of Tory. For probably the past 4 years, I’ve had a lot of on-again off-again thoughts about what it would look like to live a life of simplicity – to get rid of the bulk of my “stuff,” live in a small studio or 1 bedroom apartment with very little “stuff” and live off a meager salary, but doing something I love. Take an $8-10 an hour job working with kids making art all day, or something of that nature. I’ve thought a lot about moving to a different country for a while too. And given the events and thoughts of this past week, now might be the time to move forward. As I was wrestling through some of these thoughts, I found that I became overwhelmed by just how much I was thinking about. My friend C popped into my head. Why? Well, because C and I have had our share of conversations about what it means to be a Jesus follower, and also what it means to live on less. My friend C is a ridiculously fantastic example of what it means to live on less.

As I walked into his apartment yesterday – my first time ever in his new place – I was immediately inspired. C is a graphic designer and artist, and his apartment was the most inspirational apartment I’ve ever been in. Literally. As I walked in, the first thing I saw was a chair strapped to the ceiling. I laughed because if I tried to strap a chair to the ceiling, it would look silly. But this just fit. As I walked through the hallway into his “office” I walked into a room that had a beautiful mural covering the ceiling and the walls. Old crates arranged fantastically to display art books. Wires running across corners with art magazines hanging over them. Photography prints all over the place. It was SO fantastic. I told him when I first arrived to forgive me if I was really distracted during our conversation because there was simply too much to look at and too much to admire. Not that his house was filled with a ton… but there was just art everywhere – and it was fantastic!

What was even more fantastic was the conversation we had… Our conversation was all over the place (as are most of my conversations with C), and yet, what I always love about my conversations with him is that in his eyes, things are always do-able. I have a couple of friends that see life this way – that anything is possible – but with C, he makes me feel like anything is do-able, and yet doesn’t seem to make me feel bad or discouraged if I can’t see that possibility right away. If I start to throw excuses at him on why I think it’s not possible, he might just suggest a different way of looking at it or a way around it. He also recognizes that people come with different baggage and while everything is always do-able, the path there might look really different. And even though sometimes I get really overwhelmed by his suggestions, even though sometimes I think what he’s suggesting ISN’T do-able, I know that it is without him having to tell me – because he’s living proof.

I won’t give you exact figures… my friend C is pretty modest about telling people what he lives on per year. But I will tell you this. It is astonishing. I am baffled that he’s been able to do what he’s done, and how little he’s been able to live on. He’s mad creative, and has come up with some really clever ways around certain expenses. He has found ways to keep his expenses extremely low, and his joy of living extremely high. Whenever I think about the idea of loving every minute of life – loving what you do every day, and that what you love to do is your life – I think of C. That is why he came to mind yesterday, and that is why I stopped over to chat with him.

I’m tired of letting my debt own me. I’m tired of being in a job I hate (even though I know I can be a “light” in a job I hate, why spend the majority of my life fighting against something I hate). I sat across from him yesterday saying, “I don’t even know what I enjoy doing anymore.”

And that’s true. It’s a sad fact, but true. That came to light even prior to my conversation with C. My life over the past year has become solely dependent upon relationships and the commonalities I have in those relationships. I’ve walked away from things like photography, painting and writing because they didn’t totally fit in with my new friendships. I have loved the new friendships I’ve built – they’re great. There have been things I’ve done with my new friends that I enjoy, but I’ve put too much weight on those, and have lost the other things I used to love. I sat across from C and said, “I literally don’t know what I LOVE doing anymore.” We talked about a couple of things – things I THINK I’d love to do – and he gave me some really practical suggestions – things he’s been suggesting to me for quite some time now, and I just never really listened.

But maybe now is the time to listen. Maybe now is the time to really start making some of the changes I’ve been talking about for the past 6 years. Things like living on less. Things like working in a low-paying job, but one I love. Things like living in a little box with not a lot of “stuff” around me. Things like walking, biking, and/or taking the bus where I need to go. Things like doing art – photography, painting, writing, etc – during more of my time. Things like building relationships with unexpected people. Things like becoming the radical Jesus follower I’ve always talked about wanting to be, but never made any sacrifices to become…

My friend C, in all his crazy and quirky ways, always inspires me to live passionately and deeply. To love life, and to soak it in for all it’s worth. His quote on his Facebook page says, “i never wanna sleep and always wanna wake up. such a messed up enjoyable world we get to be involved in. please don’t let it end.” I want to live that way – where I never want to sleep, and always want to wake up. Where I realize we live in a messed up world, but one that’s enjoyable. And even more, one we get to be involved in. What a gift! We get to rub shoulders with God’s creation on a daily basis. We have the ability to ingest God’s creation every day. And so often, I forget that… I forget there’s an entire world to be enjoyed – not dreaded.

May I move forward intentionally recognizing the world God has provided for me to ENJOY. May I be a person who never wants to sleep but always wants to wake up. May I be a person who moves towards living passionately and deeply. And may I continue to meet people like C who ignite a fire in me to live what I love.

battle

It’s nearly 4:00am. I haven’t been able to fall asleep yet… Thought I’d take the opportunity to write a little, in hopes of maybe boring myself to sleep. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head right now, and thought I’d work through some of them on paper.

Everyone has parts of their personality they wish they could change. For the most part, I’ve been fairly content with my personality. Sure there are things I wish I did differently or ways in which I was wired differently. There are times when I get really frustrated with the fact that I’m not as good of a Jesus follower as I should be, or that I am very much introverted, or the fact that I get socially anxious… But for the most part, I’ve come to accept who I am.

But there is one thing that I’ve always battled with… And that’s my emotions. I’ve often heard that it is because I supposedly have the gift of mercy – which apparently is both a blessing and a curse. From what people tell me, people with the gift of mercy have an unbelievable sensitivity to those around them – especially those that are in need of love or are hurting. I don’t know that I have the gift of mercy… There are times that I feel like I’m terrible at being sensitive to those around me. Yet, I do recognize the fact that my heart breaks easily for those who are hurting. Yet, the unfortunate part is that those with the gift of mercy have an unbelievable sensitivity - period. Their hearts break easily - period. In all areas of life. This is the battle I struggle with constantly.

As a kid, I rarely showed emotion. My parents would often tell me stories about my demeanor as a child, and they told me that they often didn’t know what was going on in my head or my heart because I was VERY reserved with my emotions. I’m not sure why that was – maybe it’s because I had a brother who was my polar opposite – who was pretty vocal and communicative – that I didn’t want to compete. But whatever the case was, I rarely showed my emotions as a kid. Even at a young age, I struggled to verbalize what was going on in my life. My parents would often times know something was wrong, but have no idea what was going on with me. Two weeks later, a letter would show up on their bed or would be slid under their door. It would be a letter explaining why I had been upset and that I was better.

I remember getting to junior high and high school, and falling in love with journaling. That became my outlet, and I started expressing myself much more through writing – mostly journaling, but sometimes poetry as well. I still rarely verbalized how I was feeling, but at least I became more expressive.

In college, I tried to use art as a method of expression. It never quite did the trick for me as an outlet – nowhere near what writing provided for me. It wasn’t until I started working at Ridgewood, and I met my friend Brandon, that I started to learn how to become more vocal about what I was feeling and thinking. It was a painful and ugly experience, but my friendship with Brandon really helped break through some of those barriers I had in expressing (verbally) some of my emotions.

But I often like to say that breaking through those barriers also opened up the floodgates.

I would spend the next few years really struggling to work through all of the emotions I was experiencing. Ridgewood, Sonlife, the Mission, Veritas and various relationships all contributed to a whole new array of emotions for me. I had never struggled with anger before and was dealing with a brand new level of anger while at Ridgewood and the Mission. I had never experienced loss in such profound ways before those years. And I had never been as attached to or loved something as deeply as I had during those years. Those years were wonderful in that they allowed me to become passionate and to love deeply… but with that came an overwhelming mix of emotions – continuing my battle with how to deal with my emotions.

I found that I had a lot of sensitivities to things – some which were really good. There’s a huge part of me that is really thankful for the emotional side of my personality – it has allowed me to be a good listener in a lot of ways, and reach out to a lot of people I may not have reached out to without being wired the way I am. Unfortunately, these strong emotions – my strong propensity to “feel” – can also cause problems in a lot of ways. My heart gets attached INCREDIBLY easily. My passion makes me a fighter AND my easily frustrated and hurt heart makes me a retreater… It is one of my deepest desires to read and understand the emotions of others – but being more emotional than logical in that sense sometimes causes my gauge to be off, and I read things completely wrong.

Over the years, I’ve grown a lot in these areas… I’ve learned a lot about my emotions and how to handle them. But I’m far from being perfect. I still have quite a ways to go.

The hardest thing about my emotions is that it often separates me from others… It is rare for me to find someone who “feels” the same way, or as strongly, as I do. I have a good knack for becoming friends with the logical folks. Another hard thing to contend with is that those of us with really strong emotions are usually the ones who are considered “burdens” to others… Some of us are oblivious to the fact that we’re burdens. Others of us KNOW we’re burdens, and that makes it even more difficult. We worry. We analyze. We try to fix. We think too much. We draw things out. We worry some more. We sometimes get too self-focused. We aren’t always logical. We get attached. We can’t let go.

It’s a very lonely place to be – especially when you recognize it in yourself, and you know the affects it has on others. It’s lonely because no matter how much you try to explain it, people don’t get it. And it’s lonely because even YOU want to get away from yourself. It’s lonely because on the one hand, you don’t want to be a burden, and on the other hand, your deepest desire is to connect with someone and to be understood. And when you think you’ve found someone that understands, you tend to hold onto them for dear life.

I wish I knew how to tame it… I wish I knew how to tap into the good parts of it – being sensitive and empathetic to those around me – and how to turn off all the junk that comes with it. Unfortunately, that’s just not something I’ve mastered yet. It’s something I’m embarrassed about and wish it wasn’t on display for the whole world to watch as I fumble my way through it.

But it is what it is. I will have to learn how to deal with it, and how to deal with others frustrations with it. I will have to learn how to be ok with being this person who has a tremendous amount of emotions, and feels strongly about a number of things. I will have to learn what it means to be a person of great passion, especially when that passion can end up misdirected. I will have to find ways to better communicate how I’m feeling, and learn when to be reserved. I pray that I can learn to use the gifts God has given me through this, but allow him to work out my weaknesses.

And I pray that I have the grace to deal with myself in the process… because right now, I have none.

re-post: dirt

I've been TERRIBLE about blogging over the past few years, and even more so recently. As much as I'd like to believe I'm still a writer, I've given up practicing, and am therefore pretty rusty. Tonight was pure proof of that, and I'm taking the easy way out yet again by posting an old blog entry. However, as I spent some time writing tonight, I kept coming back to an entry I wrote a couple of years ago on my old blog... A lot of what I found myself writing about tonight sort of fits with this post, so I thought I'd re-post it. Hopefully, I'll start "practicing" more, and will get some new stuff up over the next couple of months.

DIRT

"Every flower must grow through dirt."
-- Anonymous

I think flowers may just be one of God's most stellar creations. I mean, just think about them... brilliant in color and scent. Delicate, and yet fiercely beautiful. And such an intricate process in order to live and grow.

I know a lot about the intricacies of plants, and the process of keeping them alive. Rather, my experience has been the opposite. I'm TERRIBLE at keeping plants alive. My poor plant at work goes from dry, to wilty, to watered, to dry, to wilty, and continues this cycle on a weekly basis. I'm so neglectful.

However, I'm fascinated by plants and flowers... how they require so many elements working together in order to sustain them, and that they require a lot of work - especially under human care... Such delicate things, those flowers...

Recently in my life, I've had a few people point out what would seem to be, to them, errors in my life. Areas where I am broken, lacking, failing... While there can be some validity to these sorts of "light casting" sessions, I struggle a great deal in believing them to be errors, or something that's "wrong" with me...

I love the above quote. It is so encouraging to my heart and soul, and I think it allows me to wrap my hands around people's comments regarding my character and my life a little bit more easily.

There's no question that a flower needs dirt to grow. It needs all the nutrients the dirt has to offer. Is everything about the dirt beneficial? Probably not. And the dirt isn't necessarily good for much more other than growing things. However, the dirt is absolutely necessary for growth. How often do we neglect our "dirt" or try to cover it up? Sure, we put flowers in cute flower pots, and sure we try to make them look as "homey" as possible... but the fact still remains: there's dirt. It's there. Everyone knows it's there. Everyone can see it. So why do we try so hard to mask our dirt? And how often do we prematurely cut the flower, put it in a vase with only water, and expect it to continue growing in it's new, sans-nutrient environment? I know for me personally, I've gone the vase route too many times. I've been disgusted with the dirt, sick of the clay pot... and decided the vase would be the best place to plant myself. But soon, my water supply becomes depleted, and I suddenly have nothing to promote my growth.

We need the dirt. We need all of the hurt, the pain, the raw emotion, the irrational fears... all of those stretching moments when we learn that we are much smaller and more incapable than we realize. Those moments - as ugly and dirty as they may seem - are really the things that drive our growth; they help us move forward, learn, and change. Sure there is a time to be uprooted... but we need to learn to embrace the dirt, and not look for the quickest route out of the pot.

The cool thing about flowers? Dirt alone won't do the trick. Flowers also need water and sunlight to survive, breathing life into them. How great is that? Our growth is not all about dirt, and we don't have to deal with just dirt 24/7.

I love this idea... Embrace the dirt. Know there will be sunshine.

May I learn to live everyday comfortable in the dirt, beaming amidst the sunshine.

sock'em

I found this card yesterday. I really have no one to give it to, but it made me laugh... out loud... while I was at the store. So I thought I'd at least share it on my blog...

Maybe I just have a thing for sock puppets...

thunderstorms

Warm weather has descended upon us. Who knows how long it will actually last, but for right now, it's here. And with warmer weather comes one of my absolute favorite things: THUNDERSTORMS! I hope we get one soon...

I thought about writing why I love thunderstorms so much, but then remembered I had written one already on my old blog (Rain of Wonder). I went back, re-read it, and decided to re-post it. I wrote it about 2 years ago, and really, it just sums it up really well. Here goes...

* * * * * * * *

STORMS

It's 3:41am. I fell asleep at 7:30pm. Hence my being wide awake at 3:41am.

I'm laying in bed as I write this, sitting below an open window, listening to the thunderstorm as it is barking outside. I absolutely love thunderstorms. They make my heart so incredibly happy. I took the above picture last summer during a thunderstorm. It was my first attempt at a long exposure... Obviously, I did not have the hang of it. But the photo still turned out kind of fun. Anyway, with the little bit of coherency I have right now this early in the morning, I started thinking about why I love thunderstorms so much. I think part of the reason is because I have so many great memories attached to thunderstorms...

1. When I was a little kid, my best friend Leah and I tried to create our very own weather station. We were convinced we were going to predict the weather, and provide the neighborhood with information so they could prepare for storms. Granted, we knew nothing about meteorology, but we'd sit in our weather station (ironically, a tree) and let everyone (ok, our parents) know when a storm was coming (um, basically, the sky would be pitch black... anyone would know a storm was coming...). Leah and I both had phones in our basements, so whenever the sirens went off and we'd have to head down to the basement, she and I would call each other on the phone and talk about the great storm that was outside, and what we were hearing on the radio. I have such great memories of talking with her on the phone during storms.

2. Speaking of being in the basement... I love my mom dearly. She's a great mom, and always wanted us to be safe. But we had a lot of really crazy thunderstorms when I was little. Therefore, we would OFTEN go down to the basement during storms, despite some of our protesting (my brother and I, and sometimes my dad, would always want to sit on the front porch and watch). I have great memories though of sitting in the basement, in the dark (our power went out a bit) with a flashlight, listening to the siren and the radio, and waiting for the "all clear" to go back upstairs. I remember seeing my dad without his glasses - which seemed so unusual. I remember my mom being slightly worried that none of us were worried. And I remember both my brother and I being excited by the loud and bright fiasco happening right outside our windows.

3. I remember once, for some reason, there was a horrible storm outside and for some reasons, the sirens hadn't gone off. I think I was old enough that my brother was away at college, and I remember my dad and I stepping outside to watch the storm. It was incredibly dark outside for the middle of the day, with crazy amounts of wind. I remember being excited because the sirens HADN'T gone off, and we were able to convince my mom that since they hadn't gone off, we didn't need to go down the basement. I remember standing outside with my dad, looking up at the sky, and talking about how great it felt to be in the middle of it. We talked about the power of storms and what a tornado might feel like. These kinds of moments between my dad and I were kind of rare, and I cherished every one of them... This memory in particular sticks out to me because I felt like we were getting away with something... We were outside in the middle of a storm, when we probably should have been inside taking cover.

4. One of my greatest memories from Judson College is when my crazy roommate and I, along with our two friends Emily and Kristy from the 3rd floor of our dorm, would go out and play during the middle of thunderstorms. Now, I realize, this was not the safest thing in the world, as I have a friend who was struck by lightning, and just barely survived. However, we had SO much fun. We'd run all over campus: we'd run to all the dorms and see if we could find anyone else to join in our rain dance, and we'd run to all the computer labs - drenched - to find any of our friends who might join in... The parking lots had huge pot holes which created for amazing puddles to jump in. There was a spot, right in front of the chapel, where the ground was uneven, and created for a trench of sorts... We would run and slide across this on our backs or stomachs as nature's own slip-n-slide. Sure we'd get grass in places where the sun doesn't shine, but it was well worth it. I loved being out in the rain. Taking walks in the rain is probably one of my most favorite things to do... something I haven't really done since my days at Judson, and something I soon need to resurrect.

5. Another memory from Judson was a tape I received from my friend Colin. We'd gone quite a long period without having any good thunderstorms. Just a bunch of dreary rain. I was lamenting to my friend Colin about it, that I hadn't been able to fall asleep to the sound of rain pounding on the roof, or thunder rumbling in the distance. The next day, he hands me a tape. He'd created an entire tape with thunderstorm sounds on it so that in the absence of thunderstorms, I could listen and fall asleep to the tape and at least PRETEND that there was a thunderstorm outside. How great is that? My friend Colin was amazing... and to this day, I think it's one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received.

6. The last memory I'll share happened the night before my high school graduation. We had a horrible storm. While there weren't actually any tornados per se, there might as well have been. We had 80mph winds, and some pretty violent lightning. Once the storm had subsided, my brother and I somehow convinced my mom to let us go out in the car and survey the damage at like 4:00 in the morning. My brother and I hopped in the car, and found that there were more streets blocked than streets we could drive down. Trees were down everywhere. People were out in their yards, in the streets, surveying the damage. I can't ever remember a time being outside at 4am and seeing so many other people outside at 4am. We drove past a park where we grew up, and there were at least 30 trees split right in half, laying all over the park floor and the surround streets. While this storm created for some sadness in our hearts (our childhood park would never look the same as they had to cut down most of the trees, and there were a lot of people who suffered quite a bit of damage to their house) I remember feeling like my brother and I were on an adventure. We had to try to navigate around the city and find streets that were actually open. We talked about all the people we saw, all the crazy things we saw... It's one of my favorite memories with my brother, actually...

There are so many other memories I could write about... but seeing as how it is the middle of the night, and my brain isn't at full capacity, I thought I'd write about the memories that stuck out to me. I love thunderstorms, and am so grateful I woke up for a half an hour of bliss this evening.

Thanks for reading my fun memories of thunderstorms... my heart is happy right now.

* * * * * * * *

Oh, how I look forward to the summer of 2010 thunderstorms... I hope I get to experience some pretty amazing United States thunderstorms AND Africa thunderstorms!

walks

One of my absolute favorite things to do is to go for walks… especially at night. Tonight was the first night I’ve taken a walk through my neighborhood since the fall, and it was oh-so-lovely. Every now and then, I will take a walk with my iPod plugged into my ears. As someone who absolutely loves music, I rather enjoy having the soundtrack with me. However, as I’ve gotten older, and as I’ve fallen more in love with creation, I’ve found that I take more walks WITHOUT my iPod. I love listening while I’m walking… Obviously during the fall is the best, when you can hear the leaves dancing along the street, dragging their legs and making a soft sweeping noise as they move about. But mostly, I love listening to the wind, even if there are no leaves to dance. There’s something so amazing about the wind, and I just love being out in it…

I have so many memories of fantastic walks… One of my favorite places to walk is on the pier on Lake Michigan. I had the honor of walking that pier this past Saturday with my friend Ms. Rigden, and it reminded me of all the great walks I’ve had on that pier and down by the lake. Another great place to walk is Doctor’s Park – such a beautiful walk down to the beach! I also love walking up Brewer’s Hill. While it isn’t the most fantastic as far as nature is concerned, it does have one of the most amazing views of Milwaukee – I love walking up there, sitting up there, and looking down over the city – especially right around sundown. BRILLIANT! And of course, there are places like Pike’s Peak – a place where you are surrounded by beautiful trees, and the sunshine peeks through the branches every few feet, reminding you of its warm existence.

But while I enjoy all of these places, and they all hold their own special beauty, I have yet to find a place to walk that I like more than the neighborhood where I grew up. I have so many fond memories of so many spots in my neighborhood. So many summer nights spent sitting on the street corner, thinking about life as an adult, and wondering what it would hold. Walks taken with my best friends from high school, sharing pieces of our lives as we dipped in and out of different subdivisions. I love thinking about the many trips to Super America I took with my best friend Leah as a little kid. All the activities that flurried about as we walked through our neighborhood – the smell of moms making dinner, the sound of dogs barking and kids laughing and neighbors setting off firecrackers… I love walking through the neighborhood, and remembering all the amazing conversations and moments I’ve had with people in my life.

Walks are just so great, aren’t they? I don’t know… Maybe I’m easily amused. I once told my friends that I’d be a cheap date – all you’d have to do is go on a great walk with me, and I’d be as happy as can be!

Walks provide an amazing time to converse, to think, to reflect, to pray, and to relish in the beauty of God’s creation. So fantastic.

So with warn weather just around the corner, I know there are more great walks to come… Walks through my neighborhood, walks through other neighborhoods, and walks through places yet to be discovered.

rock-afire

I have to admit... This looks kinda creepy... but I REALLY want to see it.

anthony & raul

I really want to tell you about two gentlemen I know – Anthony and Raul.

I did a Google search to figure out what title best suits them: Service men? Utility workers? My friend Mark even suggested handymen. I am not entirely sure what types of workers they are, or what their actual titles are/should be… All I know is that I love seeing both of them when I go to work!

Anthony is one of the main custodians where I work. I usually see him mopping the floor – during this season especially. Where I work, we have a white and black marble tile floor, and it gets pretty dirty pretty fast. Anthony spends a lot of his time mopping the same areas over and over. My co-worker Kate and I apologize profusely every time we have to walk across it, even though he assures us it’s ok.

But here’s what I love about Anthony…

He always goes beyond his role as a custodian. I remember one morning, I was walking into my building and he was coming down the hallway towards me. He turned to the elevators, and hit the “up” button for me so that the elevator was waiting when I got there. No prompting. No “hey, catch that elevator for me.” He just knew that’s where I was headed, and thought he’d help me out.

I can remember going for months, not knowing his name. We’d always greet each other in the morning with our typical “hellos” but that was about it. Until one morning, I finally said to him, “You know, I see you every morning, and I don’t even know you’re name.” Thus began our “friendship.” Now, I put the word friendship in quotes because it’s not really what I’d consider a friendship, but we definitely aren’t just causal friendly strangers anymore.

My goal as of late has been to get Anthony to smile. He’s usually a pretty serious fella – always friendly, but doesn’t often smile. However lately, we’ve been cracking jokes a bit more and he’s been a lot more light-hearted with my co-workers and me.

He does a job that most of us wouldn’t think of doing, and he does it well. He’s one of the nicest guys in our building, and I love him to pieces! He brightens my day when I see him.

Then there’s Raul…

Raul cracks me up! He is such a funny guy. He’s our building “fix-it” man. He’s been there at least as long as I have, and I always enjoy when there’s something on our floor that needs fixing. The funny thing about Raul is he really likes to talk about things very specific to a person. So, he gets to know one or two things about you, and then that’s ALL he’ll talk about with you. It’s fantastic, though!

For example, my co-workers Beth and Kate and I decided last June that we were going to canoe to work. June 26th is National Canoe Day (in Canada) but we decided that it would be fun to canoe down the Milwaukee River on our way to and from work. So, bright and early one morning, we put the canoe in at Becher & KK in Bay View, and canoed down the Milwaukee River until we arrived at ASQ. Because we work downtown, there aren’t really a whole lot of places to leave a canoe. Therefore, we docked where the Edelweiss docks, carried our canoe across Michigan Avenue, waited until a car scanned into the basement lot, and carried our canoe down to the basement. Raul saw all this go down, and thought it was fascinating that we canoed to work. Now, almost every time we see him, he makes some sort of comment about our canoe adventure, asking us where our paddles are and such.

But Raul is always looking for ways to make us smile and laugh, and he’s always such a delight to see when he comes to our building. He services a TON of buildings in the Milwaukee area, so we don’t get to see him that often, but when we do, it’s a total treat!

Over the past few weeks, he hasn’t been around. We started getting nervous that maybe he didn’t work for the company anymore, and were feeling really sad about his absence. But not more than a half an hour after the conversation I had with my co-workers, there was Raul with his ladder fixing all sorts of things.

I know it may sound silly, but these guys make my day and I’m so honored that they work in my building! Ever since I was little, I’ve loved the sort of “unnoticed” people – the people who do all the jobs most of us wouldn’t want, but make our workplaces such great places to be. When I was little, I had a total soft spot in my heart for the janitor at my school. I’d often make him cookies and I was able to build a fun friendship with him. He was such a sweet man, and cared so much about the students. To this day, I still have a lot of joy in my heart when I see him. He was such a fantastic janitor and friend!

So, if you think about it, try to learn a little bit about the custodians, or the “fix-it” guys where you work. They’re great people with really great stories! And they do more than you realize to make where you work a fantastic environment!

Next person I’d like to get to know: The awesome older guy who works the parking garage gate. He is this SUPER sweet man, and we always wave goodbye to each other at the end of the night. I don’t know his name yet though… Soon enough!

post

A friend of mine posted this on her blog about a week ago... it spoke to my heart, in so many ways.

I want to share it with you.

Thanks Chrissy... for your obedience, your love for the Acholi people, and your honest seeking.

Do you hear?
Do you care?
Do you more than check in once in awhile?
Is your heart tugged?
Do you want to do more?
Are you satisfied?
Can you live like this?
Can you feel anything?
Where is your heart?
What would you die for?
What is it that charges you?
Who do you love?
Why do you love?
Who would you fight?
Who would you fight for?
Is it in your nature to show compassion?
Is it in your nature to be passionate?
Does your blood boil? Flow? Soothe?
Is your soul reflective of where your soles step?
Can you really wake up one more day living this life?
Can you really go to sleep knowing what lies ahead tomorrow?
Can anything provoke you to change?
Can anything provoke you to stay the same?
Do you want new or used?
Can you accept where you are at?
Can you move forward?
How does your heart beat?
Whose heartbeat is it?
Does it belong to you?
Where do you begin and end?
How do you begin and end?
This can’t be all of it, can it?

Questions come so easily when I know the answers to the questions I pose. I wonder if these questions race through minds. I wonder how they each are answered. Journeys are amazing…each day is a question with an answer that excites me more and more; only to go and find more to ask. I can never be the same again…never; from Monday to Tuesday; from last year to this year; from 8 years ago to 8 years from now. No. I know the answers only in snippets. Snippets. I get there by knowing the Voice that speaks so clearly to me.

The Holy Spirit is real.
He speaks.
He is the relationship builder.
He speaks differently to each of us - but He speaks.
Stop being layela (stubborn).
You know what you need to do. Do it.
You've been told.
You know you need to cross that Jordan.

You might think you will drown or get attacked by the crocodiles or maybe you have a different journey to take...but He has this for you....He has you. Trust Him. He wouldn't send you anywhere without anything nor anywhere He didn't want you to be.

Come on now. How much more playing around are you going to do before you do what you are supposed to be doing...who you are supposed to be being?

grace and peace

I love music. No shock there. I am always talking about music, looking for new music, sharing playlists with people, going to concerts… Music holds a very big spot in my heart. But today, it tugged at my heart more than it has in a long time…

A couple of months ago, a friend of mine who currently lives in Sudan sent me a song to encourage me. It was the song “I Will Praise Him, Still” by Fernando Ortega. I was familiar with Fernando Ortega, but not that familiar with his music. I downloaded the song, and as I listened to it, I marveled at the fact that my friend – who is living in a culture completely foreign to most of us, in a land that is so completely torn by violence, pain, and evil – could identify with that song and herself say, “I will praise him still.”

That was the only song I downloaded by Fernando Ortega, and I only did so because it was a song suggested to me by my dear friend. I wasn't immediately drawn to his style, and so I didn’t look into any more of his music. However, this morning, much to my surprise, Fernando Ortega was in the church service I was attending, where he sang a song called “Grace and Peace.” There was something that happened close to where I was sitting that caused me to have a rabbit trail of thoughts… The first thought I had was incredibly selfish, a sort of “woe is me” type moment. However, where I eventually landed in my trail of thoughts, was thinking not only about Haiti, but also all of the other countries in which children are parentless and without family… Individuals who literally have no one in their life telling them they are valuable and loved.

Another situation going on right next to me added to my thinking... I was sitting two seats down from a woman who was holding a baby she nannies for. The baby was absolutely beautiful. Bright eyes. Soft skin. And doing that little “bobbing” thing that all little babies do. I watched as this woman – who was not even the baby’s mother – held this baby close to her chest while stroking the baby’s head. I enjoyed watching the two of them interact (as I absolutely love babies!) and didn’t think much about the fact that this baby not only has parents who love and care for her, but also this woman – someone who is not even blood – who is there to love and protect her.

But as Fernando Ortega played his song “Grace and Peace” I felt my eyes well up with tears. The interesting part was that it wasn’t even that emotional of a song. However, I started to think about my friend who had first introduced me to Fernando Ortega's music, and about all the people she has met and cares for. I thought about the fact that many of them do not know grace and peace – in fact, they may only know the very opposite. I also started thinking about all the babies who do not know the love of their parents, or anyone for that matter. I also thought about all the people in Haiti who must wonder if they will ever experience relief, if they’ll ever experience grace and peace.

I became greatly overwhelmed by these thoughts… But I think what became most overwhelming to me was the fact that while it’s great to have those moments of realization, those moments where I am sensitive to what is going on in the rest of the world, my life does not reflect a great passion or sensitivity towards it on a regular basis. I find that I’m so selfish in my thinking and doing. I am consumed with figuring out my own life, wondering how MY life will unfold, when there are plenty of people who are just trying to hang onto their life, wondering how long they will even have it.

I don’t want to be that way. I don’t want to be so focused on wondering what God has for me that I miss what he has for the rest of the world. I want my heart to beat for others. I want my heart to beat for restoration. I want my heart to yearn so much for what God is doing throughout the world. And through it all, I want to be like my friend and be able to say, “I will praise him still.”

I am not there, and don’t know how to get there just yet…

God, I pray you change the beat of my heart. I pray you guide my focus, my passion, and my desires. May they become molded to what you want them to be. I pray that you show me how to get there… Show me how to love like you do, to give when I don’t have the strength, and to follow you the best I am able.

ross

After declaring my love for Bob Ross, a good friend of mine sent me this picture, and it made me laugh so hard, I almost wet my pants.

Ok, no, not really.

But I do love this picture, and it did indeed give me quite a chuckle.

For your viewing pleasure...