ideal

It has been far too long since I’ve blogged – I’m not quite sure I remember how! In all seriousness though, writing has been a bit of a daunting thing for me over the past year. I think that too often, I avoid writing because I know it’ll be ugly. My words will sounds shallow, or silly, and it won’t flow the way I want it to. Or it won’t make sense. And that makes me never want to pull out a pen and paper, or a computer, ever again.

I don’t practice like I should, and therefore, don’t write like I would like to. But therein lies the problem. I think I have this idealized concept of writing… When I think of different writers I like - Chaim Potok, John Steinbeck, and Anne Lamott – I imagine them sitting down to a desk in the morning, writing until the stars are dancing in the sky, and finishing with a brilliant piece of work they’ve written in one day – a piece that is perfectly constructed, with no errors, and will move people to tears upon reading. However, Anne Lamott in her book Bird By Bird indicates that this is FAR from the truth. In my head, I have idealized the writing process, which has made me petrified of even trying to write. But tonight, I started to think about just how much I idealize not only writing, but other things in my life as well…

IDEAL
–noun
1. a conception of something in its perfection.

2. a standard of perfection or excellence.

3. a person or thing conceived as embodying such a conception or conforming to such a standard, and taken as a model for imitation: Thomas Jefferson was his ideal.

4. an ultimate object or aim of endeavor, esp. one of high or noble character: He refuses to compromise any of his ideals.

5. something that exists only in the imagination: To achieve the ideal is almost hopeless.

(www.dictionary.com)

The word “ideal” has escaped my mouth NUMEROUS times over the past few weeks. I feel as though I have had to wrestle through a lot of my own perceptions about life and its circumstances that I am just now realizing I have completely idealized, and I have also found myself encouraging people around me to do the same – look at situations in their life that they are scared of, avoiding, or refusing to change because of some sort of “idealized” perception.

One of the things I have come to LOVE doing is looking up the definitions to words. Just the other day, I got into a conversation with two of my friends about the use of the word “evil” in the book of Job. Being the nerd that I am, I came home, looked up the Greek word, and found the definition of the word. But what I loved is the reframing and the reshaping the definition did for me as I re-read that passage in scripture.

So tonight, I decided to look up the word “ideal” and see what it means. As I read through the descriptions above, I began to realize just how dangerous it is to idealize things. The 5th definition is what struck me: Something that exists only in the imagination: to achieve the ideal is almost hopeless. Hopeless… Idealization can lead to hopelessness.

It made me realize how much I create an atmosphere of “hopelessness” in my own life when I idealize something. I create a standard of perfection or excellence that will never be reached. I have a skewed conception of something existing only in its perfection.

I can’t help but wonder what my life might look like if I didn’t idealize so many things. I idealize things like living outside of the U.S. – something I have wanted to do for years, and imagine to be a wonderfully romantic and wild adventure. I idealize what being a parent would be like – that even though I’d be a single mom adopting a child who has a lot of baggage, we’d conquer the odds and becoming an amazing family! I idealize relationships – that people will know exactly how and when to encourage me, and will do so in a flawless manner.

But then I find that I am hopeless when that simply isn’t the case. That’s not to say I can’t enjoy living outside the U.S., or that I can’t be a single mom and absolutely enjoy it… But I think I set myself up for something so unrealistic that it only begs for a sense of hopelessness when not achieved.

Is it inherently wrong to dream or hope for things like a life outside the U.S., or being a single, adoptive parent? Is it wrong for me to desire relationships with people who are deeply involved in my life? No, of course not. But in doing so, I need to make sure that I am pursuing healthy perspectives of them. I need to make sure that I’m not looking at just the beautiful, romantic, and whimsical attributes, but also the hard, stressful, draining, and messy parts... I need to make sure I understand the marriage of both.

And in all honesty, who really wants the idealized version? When something is “ideal” I feel as though it lacks the depth and fullness that blood, sweat, and tears bring. There is a richness to experiencing something that is a bit messy, that requires hard work and sacrifice, but in the end is redeemed.

Yet, I find it so easy sometimes to idealize those things that my soul yearns for.

I definitely don’t have the answer on the best way to stop idealizing things. But I do have a heart that no longer wants to experience a sense of hopelessness because of unhealthy perspectives.

May I learn to pursue healthy perspectives, and learn to love dreaming about the marriage of the beautiful and the ugly pieces of life.