to sing in the silence: 2008

toms


I am so stoked.

I am now the proud owner of the shoes shown above.

I just ordered my first pair of Toms Shoes. WOOT!

Last Christmas, my friend Emily (who might I say, is one of the coolest girls I know) sent me a gift certificate for Toms Shoes. I wasn't really familiar with the organizations, but after I read about the organization - that for every pair of shoe purchased, a pair is donated to someone else - I was so unbelievably excited for this gift my friend had given me.

I debated for quite a few weeks, which pair I wanted... I had NO idea which pair to buy. I ended up taking so long, that I eventually forgot about it... Recently, Toms Shoes has come up quite a bit in conversation, and I remembered that I still had a gift certificate. I wondered if it was still good, and indeed, it was.

So, I bought the shoes you see above, displaying one of my absolute favorite quotes.

"You must be the change you want to see in the world." - Gandhi

I'm pretty stoked about the shoes, and think I might even buy another pair (maybe brown, so that I will can wear Toms Shoes to work every day).

Well, that's it for today kiddies... Just thought I'd share my excitement over my new shoes, and the value behind my new shoes. Much thanks to Emily and her creativity in getting me the certificate!

If you're interested in learning more about this organization, please check out:
www.tomsshoes.com

9:42 and thereafter

I woke up at 9:42am. The last train of the morning/early afternoon left at 8:49am. The next train… not until after 6:00pm. It looked like my trip to Chicago would have to wait.

As I drove to work yesterday, I knew in my heart… I need to leave. This happens to me every so often on my way to work in the mornings. It takes everything in me to get off 43, take the Lakefront exit, and actually finish my route to work. There are mornings where the music is too good, the scenery too enticing, and my soul is beckoning to for me to continue driving, letting the V-machine take me where it damn well pleases.

I don’t typically curse in my blogs. Today feels like a cursing day.

As I mentioned, while driving to work yesterday, I knew I needed to leave - that I needed to get away at least for a little while. I find it interesting that nothing of huge consequence happened this week. My car did not break down. Our house didn’t get robbed. I didn’t lose a loved one. I didn’t lose my job. Nothing major happened… And yet, this was probably one of the most emotional weeks I’ve had in a long, long time.

So, 9:42am this morning… I missed the only train I could take, and decided that driving wasn’t really that appealing. The whole point was to have two, uninterrupted hours on the train to read, journal, take photos, and think. I like to think. Most of you know that… But thinking is one of my most favorite past times… and probably one of my sweetest downfalls.

Reminds me of the Regina Spektor song, Samson. “You are my sweetest downfall…” I should put on some Regina Spektor as I write… Mojave 3, which is what is currently tickling my ears (as well as MIA which is currently blaring through the café speakers, and my headphones are failing to drown out) just isn’t cutting it.

Wow... Rabbit trail. Back on track now... no pun intended.

Train to Chicago = not happening.

I got out of bed, wandered downstairs, and while I ate breakfast, I contemplated what my day would behold. After agonizing over a few different options (one of which included staying locked away in my house doing nothing), I finally decided to hop in my car and drive to Madison.

Today was a day that required a fair amount of convincing… I really didn’t want to brave State Street because it seemed as though there may have been a Wisconsin game that had just gotten over as there was a mad swarm of red everywhere. Craziness. After driving around the downtown area of Madison for about a half an hour, I found myself back at the Capitol, with my car sitting in front of a Starbucks. Starbucks? I drove my butt all the way to Madison to go to Starbucks?

After a few minutes of coaxing, I convinced myself to put my car in drive, and continue my quest to find a local coffee shop that had a bit of “flavor” to it. After another 10 minutes of driving, I finally resorted to finding something on State Street. As I pulled into a parking spot and gathered my belongings, I looked up and in front of me I could see “Barriques Coffee Trader.” My heart beamed… I found my place, and it wasn’t on State Street.

I headed inside, and the place could not have provided more delight to my soul. Cast iron artwork all over the place, funky tile, and a girl with dreadlocks serving me my coffee. Could I have asked for a better place to hang out?

I got my drink, and headed to a table on the second level. There’s a bi-level coffee shop in Milwaukee, and I love sitting on the second floor and being able to look down on all the hustle and bustle in the store.

I sat down, and pulled out my journal. I put the pen to the paper… nothing. I was stumped. I could not find the words to write, and I found myself in a place of not WANTING to write. I didn’t want to think about it… I didn’t want to write any words except curse words. And I’m not just talking about the word damn. I’m talking about words you’d never hear me use (except for my roommate Brittany who heard me use them a few times, in our old office, behind closed doors.)

I threw the journal back in my bag, and pulled out my laptop. I distracted myself with reading a couple of emails, and checking Twitter updates. Boring. I can do that at home. After a few moments of wasted time, my heart kept nagging at me… “Write.” I yelled back at it, “No, I don’t want to.” I did this all internally of course, otherwise the lovely couple next to me who is nursing a bottle of wine, and sharing a lovely Saturday afternoon together would have looked at me quite strangely. My heart didn’t stop though… “Write.”

So, I did.

I started writing something lame about how I wish my life had a soundtrack… And I do. I have been listening to so many good tunes lately that I wish they’d be playing in the background as I experience certain moments in life.

However, it was a sad excuse for “writing.” Pathetic, really. I needed to write from my heart – not some stupid junk about how life needs a soundtrack. So, I opened a new document, and started writing this piece…

I’m nowhere near where I should be with writing honestly – writing what I’m really feeling/thinking… what I’m going through, why my heart hurts so much, and about how much I just want to run away from it all.

But it’s start… I will continue to write. I will continue to find the words my heart needs to express. I will continue to explore the possibilities of what could grace (or muddy up) the paper before me.

For now… this is what you get. My journey at a coffee shop to write what my heart really wants to say. More to come, I’m sure…

hug

A bear hug.

A “man” hug.

A side hug.

Hugs are an interesting thing to me… When I was in elementary school and junior high, I hated them… Mostly because I thought all the girls around me were just being silly about hugging each other. However, as the years went by, I came to appreciate hugs more and more. And I’m amazed by the fact that there are so many different ways to hug a person, and that HOW you hug someone, or if you choose not to hug someone, can indicate how you feel about them.

A bear hug may indicate you are incredibly comfortable with someone, and love them in almost a familial sort of way. A “man” hug may indicate that you want to show affection, but it’s not necessarily appropriate to give a regular hug. Rather, you stand at a distance, with a handshake in between. A side hug for those who are friends, but just not that comfortable hugging one another. There are so many different ways to show affection, just through something as simple as a hug.

A few years back, I got into a conversation with a few good friends of mine about love languages. We were on a 16 hour van ride, and had pretty much ripped through every other topic of conversation, that we found ourselves on a more serious topic in hour 14 of the drive. As we were talking about our different love languages, I was certain that I knew what mine were: time spent, and words of affirmation. For me, the two went hand in hand. While someone spending time with me means a great deal to me, if there are no words of affirmation to go with it, the time spent with them feels somewhat empty. And the reverse is true… Someone could tell me they think I’m great and tons of fun to be with… but if they never actually spend time with me, then the words seem somewhat hollow. So, at that point in our conversation, I was CONVINCED that those two were my strongest love languages, at least in the way of FEELING loved. Showing love is a whole different story…

However, I’ve just recently learned something about myself. Until last September, I either lived at home or in a dorm room. As most of you know, college life is FILLED with people. I saw good friends of mine – people who were like family – on a daily basis. Hugs were a-plenty. And while living at home, there was always a hug waiting there if I needed one. However, since I moved out, I realized that hugs aren’t always abounding… in fact, there were times this past year that I found myself feeling hug deprived. There are days, even weeks, when I feel like that still.

It is such a strange feeling… I never in a million years thought that “physical touch” was so strong for me. However, in the absence of being hugged or even getting just a pat on the back, I realize how much those small things mean to me and affect me.

I’ve always heard stories about how children who are born into orphanages, if not touched in any way, will not be able to sustain life. Physical touch – whether it’s being held, having their back rubbed, or their little cheeks kissed – is ESSENTIAL to their survival. How crazy is that? Never would I have thought physical touch – something as simple as a handshake, a back pat, or a hug – would be so significant in life. And yet, we can see from birth, it is essential. Sure, as adults, we won’t necessarily die if we’re not cared for in this way… But I wonder how much it truly effects who we are, how we feel about ourselves, and even our capacity to show love to others.

The other night, I was in the kid’s room at the church I’m a part of. We have a little guy who comes each week who has a bit of an attachment to both is mom and grandma, and has a really hard time being left alone in the children’s ministry. After some assurance to both the mom and grandma that I would be fine with a crying baby, both of them left me and this little guy who was obviously pretty upset he was being left. I held this little guy in my arms – close to my heart – and let him cry for about 10 minutes. I kept whispering in his ear that everything was going to be ok… I walked around the room, rocking him, rubbing his back, and trying to calm him down. Eventually, the little guy got so tuckered out that he reached his arms around my neck, put his head on my shoulder, and fell sound asleep.

And to be honest, I don’t think he was the only one who benefited from our little stroll around the room.

While I walked around the room, rocking my little friend for the next 20 minutes or so after he fell asleep, I thought about how great it felt to have this little guy in my arms – to know that I was providing him with a safe place to lay his head. It was such an amazing feeling to know he trusted me completely, and to know that I, for the moment, was his care.

There’s something so great about hugs – about holding someone you care about close to you. I visited a church a few weekends ago where they are all crazy about hugging. While I don’t know most of them that well, I left that morning feeling more loved than I had in a long time. The other night, I was at church, and was hugged by one of the other members of our church. And I mean, it was one of those good, solid hugs. As this person was hugging me, they said, “I missed you a lot.” I seriously could not have felt more encouraged.

What is it about the combination of words and hugs that are so powerful? Sometimes, I’m amazed that God designed us as physical creatures who desire to be hugged and held. I guess when I think of “being created in God’s image” – that isn’t one of the first things that comes to mind. I don’t think of God as a physical being, or one that is physical with those he loves. Because I cannot stretch out my arms to him, because I can not feel his embrace, it is not an attribute I typically think of.

However, I think it’s awesome that God knew enough to give us other people to satisfy that need. He placed people in our lives to provide us with those “hugs,” even if he is not there to give us one. There are times when I still feel really "hug deprived" but usually, not too far around the corner, there is a hug waiting for me. I think it’s so great that God gave us such a powerful way of feeling loved and cared about…

Hugs are great, aren’t they?

May I be a person who seeks to give hugs, and who loves people as if it is essential to their survival.

kids

As most of you know, I absolutely adore kids. There is something so amazing about being with them - being imaginative, telling stories, being a "hero," taking away fear... I love it... Kids just make my heart so incredibly happy.

Which is why kids are probably my most favorite subject to photograph. They have this joy about them that to me, makes them one of the greatest subjects. I love their smiles, and even their pouts...

Here are a few of my favorites photos... and a few of my favorite kids.

zoo train
Eli Stewart

scared
Ezra Stewart

Lydia
Lydia Stewart

Caleb
Caleb Wilson

Elijah
Elijah Kalbas

dandelions
Meira Kalbas

sneaking
Patrick Guerrero

fro
Angel

Day One Hundred Thirty One
LaQuita

so fun
Danielle Christensen

cheese
Arielle Christensen

mixtape

I don't know about you, but I absolutely love mixtapes. Always have. Probably always will. There's something so great about the tunes someone chooses to lump together. I think you can learn a lot about a person by the songs they choose to put on a mixtape. The sad thing is, I've not really received that many in my lifetime. I'll have to look into changing that status.

I have a friend who has a somewhat long drive this weekend, so I made my friend a few mix CDs for entertainment during the drive.

One of my co-workers and I were talking about the delicate craft of creating a mixtape. We swapped quite a few quotes from the movie High Fidelity, including this one:

"Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art. Many do's and don'ts. First of all you're using someone else's poetry to express how you feel. This is a delicate thing."

I'm not sure I followed the "do's and don'ts." I didn't have much time to create the mix CDs for my friend, so it wasn't done with as much creative energy and thought as I would have liked... But they're just filled with some of my favorite tunes that I know would help make a long car ride more bearable. Some of the songs I'd consider "good songs." Some are just guilty pleasures.

Anyway, here was one of the mixes I created that I myself am actually enjoying listening to:

Merry Happy Mix

"Cross My Heart" - The Rocket Summer
"A-Punk" - Vampire Weekend
"Old Enough" - The Raconteurs
"Hallelujah" - Paramore
"Lazy Eye" - Silversun Pickups
"Merry Happy" - Kate Nash
"Let the Drummer Kick" - Citizen Cope
"Everything is Alright" - Motion City Soundtrack
"Vampire" - Antsy Pants
"I Predict a Riot" - Kaiser Chiefs
"I'll Believe in Anything" - Wolf Parade
"Paper Planes" - M.I.A.
"Pretty Green" - Mark Ronson featuring Santo Gold
"Le Disko" - Shiny Toy Guns
"C'mon C'mon" - The Von Bondies
"Great DJ" - The Ting Tings
"Hide Away" - Rock Kills Kid
"Woke Up in a Car" - Something Corporate

art mail

Recently, I was in Milwaukee for Gallery night, visiting Light Ideas Gallery where my friends Michael, Bob, and Mark were displaying their photography.

As I exited the gallery, I came across an organization titled "Art Mail Milwaukee." The purpose of their organization is to provide individuals once a week with a fresh piece of art from a Wisconsin-based artist. Pretty sweet. Here's the description from their website:

Fresh Art in Your Email Inbox

Imagine receiving a fresh piece of art in your email inbox; a virtual breath of inspiration.

Each week, we’ll quietly email you a painting, sculpture, photograph or other piece of art from a Wisconsin-based artist. It's that simple!


Here's the piece I received in my email box today:




Jayne Reid Jackson | Bio

Born in Milwaukee, Jayne attended both UW-Milwaukee and UW-Madison. She works in intaglio and monotype and is most widely known for her mezzotints. Her work has been accepted into numerous national print shows and she is a member of several print societies and local art organizations.

She is represented by the Grace Chosy Gallery (Madison) and the Peltz Gallery (Milwaukee) and has recently become of member of High Street Gallery in Mineral Point, Wisconsin. She is also a featured artist on www.portalwisconsin.org, the cultural arts website of the State of Wisconsin.

fresh

"The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible." ~Vladimir Nabakov

The pages of Rain of Wonder have been blank for quite some time. The pages of my journal have been blank as well. For months, there has been nothing... I'm reminded of a well. It is as if I have this writing well. I lower the bucket, lower it some more, and when I hoist the bucket up through the well, the bucket returns to me without a drop in it. Empty.

There were times where I would sit and stare at my computer... blank, confused, frustrated, and sad. Any and all words seemed distant, and I couldn't seem to grab hold of anything. To form a coherent sentence seemed an impossible task. I would spend a good hour attempting to craft something resembling an entry, and end up with a page filled with ridiculous ramblings.

However, I've learned that if you continually find the bucket empty in one well, maybe it's time to find a new well.

This, my friends, is my new well.

While I cannot get a new brain, or force inspiration, what I can do is start anew. I can begin with an empty slate. I can put behind me 4 years of blog entries, and seek brand new start. This blog is it. New. Fresh.

Since I started my first blog, Blogger has added some fun new gadgets and gizmos. I may be adding new ones from time to time, so keep an eye out for those. For now, I suggest you check out the YouTube Gallery at the bottom where I will be displaying some of my favorite YouTube videos. Currently playing: So You Think You Can Dance - Joshua and Katee.

So please, come join me as I begin my new writing journey. My desire is that this new well will provide a wealth of water. Sometimes, my entries may just be pictures, or links. Sometimes I may post an entry with music lyrics. Sometimes I may highlight something cool and unique to Milwaukee. And sometimes, I may bear my soul.

Your comments are also most welcome. They both inspire and spur me on to write more regularly. They are ever so encouraging. I have cherished, and will continue to cherish, those comments that I receive both on and apart from this blog.

But most of all, this new blog is designed to help me get back into the art of writing... to discover the words written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible.