piano

Oh how I miss playing the piano.

Even though we got rid of our ugly yet ever-so-loved upright piano when I started college, I still, in almost every area of my life, had access to a piano. When I attended Judson, I'd often spend hours in the practice rooms playing my heart out. I cherished the moments at Ridgewood when I could sneak away during the workday, and spend some time in a dark sanctuary playing any song I could think of, and some that I played only once out of my imagination. Even when I worked at the Mission, there were times I could go down to the chapel and play...

But, where I live now, I have no piano. I do not have a job that has access to a piano. Alverno might have pianos SOMEWHERE, but I have no idea how to access them. I am not currently plugged into a church that provides me access to a piano.

It's been almost a year since I've even touched a piano. Craziness.

I attend a small group on Monday nights, and the house we meet in has a baby grand piano. I really struggle with envy because I would give anything to own a piano... I see this big, beautiful instrument every Monday night, and so desperately wish I had the room all to myself to play for hours...

And yet, I can't help but rip apart that "envy" and see how I don't deserve a piano. I think of all the things I have that I leave by the wayside. I got a guitar for my 21st birthday that I can barely play and rarely touch. I have a djembe that's not even in my possession right now... I felt so guilty for not playing it anymore when it could be used by someone else, that I gave it to my good friend Will for his youth group's worship band. I have a keyboard that sits in the basement collecting dust (and just for the record - a keyboard is no where NEAR the same as playing a piano... it does not suffice). Three different instruments that I do NOTHING with.

I recently emailed a friend of mine, asking her if she'd be willing to teach me how to play the violin. I've always wanted to learn the violin, and never knew anyone who played. So when I met her, my heart was filled with joy - maybe this was my opportunity to learn how to play violin! And yet, I thought about the fact that a) I don't have a violin as of right now, and b) if I got another instrument, it would just end up in the neglected pile like the rest of my instruments.

Piano playing though - not guitar playing, nor djembe playing, nor keyboard playing - was such a key component to my time spent with God. My times playing were some of the sweetest, most dear moments of my time spent with him. One of the things I loved is I'd play whatever my heart lead me to play... Later, when I'd try to "replay" it, I couldn't... It was almost as if the song had been created for that one moment between God and I - a moment that could not be duplicated or repeated, but would forever remain ours...

I miss those moments... and while I really do need to work through my envy and deep desire for the possession of a piano, I also need to spend time finding new ways to enjoy God, and to find those moments that cannot be duplicated... I need to see and experience God in a new way - I'm just not quite sure what that is yet.

(picture taken by gzed on www.sxc.hu)